A seemingly endless quest
reaches its end
Running an emotional gauntlet
of hidden passion
and restless yearning
I collapse on the rocky path,
exhausted
There is no prize,
brass ring or trophy
of unconditional love
to be claimed
No soulmate to meet anew
or finally reunite with
She will not reveal
her true identity
For all my searching,
suffering and growth,
you still refuse to yield
This
now to be over
I shall not submit
to foolish pretension
any longer
Utterly forgotten,
never again
to be considered,
she remains hidden
behind a one-way mirror
of poorly imagined safety
Keep watching...
keep trying
to capture my attention
through such vain,
useless subterfuge
I will ignore you
no matter what
Done.
1/29/10
1/15/10
Hit & run
surprise emotional assaults are always fun. yesterday i was working on a video adaptation of The Road, a sample poem f/the book. after finishing up & posting the clip, i watched it on YouTube:
that was the trigger.
then proceeded to suddenly lose it for a good half an hr or so. between Lizzie, all the baggage i processed over time & just plain heartache, i cried like a baby.
i miss my little sister. i also miss having someone (anyone) around to lean on under such duress. this was never a pre-existing condition. why is that? why have i been subjected to years of a continuous emotional onslaught w/no intimate support system to fall back on whatsoever?
why indeed.
the fear i traditionally held towards relationships is basically gone. i'm so vulnerable now, so exposed, that my naked skin has developed a protective full-body callous. furthermore, the whole Universal timing thing for meeting someone sucks - it sucks ass. i'm sick of waiting, tired of putting myself out there & getting no response.
a piece of straw is needed to break this camel's back.
Cape Cod is one of the toughest places on earth to meet someone in the dead of winter. last night i was @ the coffee shop & met a young woman who was reading in the corner seat across f/me. she was probably in her late 20s, attractive & quiet. we talked for a bit, & i grabbed a copy of the book out of my car to lend her for a read.
she finished it in record time & then gave me her seal of approval.
afterwards, we spoke a bit longer & exchanged basic personal background info, etc. when it came time for her to leave, i asked if she came to the coffee shop much. she said not too often, but once in a while.
felt like i should do something, so offered her my business card saying please let me know if she ever wanted to hang out.
it wasn't really a play or anything, just an honest offer to spend quality time & commiserate. i can't run offense on girls like some other people i know - not how i roll. guess i'm just too subtle for my own good. either way, she said thx & left soon after.
i really wanted to ask her on a date, but didn't feel like it was approporiate under the circumstances. besides, that reeked of cheesiness & desperation to me.
whatever...@ least i did something. there are few chances to meet people on the Cod during wintertime. when you see one, it behooves you to take advantage.
maybe she'll call, maybe not. i was simply glad for an opportunity to talk w/her for a little while. it also made me wonder: when will a relationship actually materialize? how long must i linger in a place which seems to breed loneliness & separation before the tide finally changes?
these questions needed to be asked & still remain unaddressed.
i demand answers - now.
that is all.
that was the trigger.
then proceeded to suddenly lose it for a good half an hr or so. between Lizzie, all the baggage i processed over time & just plain heartache, i cried like a baby.
i miss my little sister. i also miss having someone (anyone) around to lean on under such duress. this was never a pre-existing condition. why is that? why have i been subjected to years of a continuous emotional onslaught w/no intimate support system to fall back on whatsoever?
why indeed.
the fear i traditionally held towards relationships is basically gone. i'm so vulnerable now, so exposed, that my naked skin has developed a protective full-body callous. furthermore, the whole Universal timing thing for meeting someone sucks - it sucks ass. i'm sick of waiting, tired of putting myself out there & getting no response.
a piece of straw is needed to break this camel's back.
Cape Cod is one of the toughest places on earth to meet someone in the dead of winter. last night i was @ the coffee shop & met a young woman who was reading in the corner seat across f/me. she was probably in her late 20s, attractive & quiet. we talked for a bit, & i grabbed a copy of the book out of my car to lend her for a read.
she finished it in record time & then gave me her seal of approval.
afterwards, we spoke a bit longer & exchanged basic personal background info, etc. when it came time for her to leave, i asked if she came to the coffee shop much. she said not too often, but once in a while.
felt like i should do something, so offered her my business card saying please let me know if she ever wanted to hang out.
it wasn't really a play or anything, just an honest offer to spend quality time & commiserate. i can't run offense on girls like some other people i know - not how i roll. guess i'm just too subtle for my own good. either way, she said thx & left soon after.
i really wanted to ask her on a date, but didn't feel like it was approporiate under the circumstances. besides, that reeked of cheesiness & desperation to me.
whatever...@ least i did something. there are few chances to meet people on the Cod during wintertime. when you see one, it behooves you to take advantage.
maybe she'll call, maybe not. i was simply glad for an opportunity to talk w/her for a little while. it also made me wonder: when will a relationship actually materialize? how long must i linger in a place which seems to breed loneliness & separation before the tide finally changes?
these questions needed to be asked & still remain unaddressed.
i demand answers - now.
that is all.
12/14/09
Illogical progression
The more I dwell in Stillness, the more I realize how insignificant everything else is. The old familiar pattern of worry & anxiety is basically gone. All the useless crap I cared about before means nothing now.
Have had issues w/this Costa Rica trip f/the start, & it's really starting to bug me. First I was scared to go b/c I'd never been anywhere abroad. Then, I didn't know whether the whole plan would fall apart b/c I basically lost all faith in the project & my ability to finish it. Now, I'm hedging on whether to even go b/c of the politics going on between parties w/in the organization. Notwithstanding their lack of any timely effort in getting me content.
I don't need that fucking stress.
Tomorrow I'm posting what I have, & they can figure out what to do afterwards. The whole affair wreaks of disorganization & bullshit.
I'm ready to bail & probably will.
Otherwise, I'd just as soon stay here, focus on the business until Feb. & fly to FL for a few weeks. No BS or drama there...
We'll see what happens.
Meanwhile, I'm really pushing hard on the book promotion front. This is where my interest really lies. I could care less about the web stuff compared to it. Another interesting development is the unearthing of old pics w/girl #1 & I f/Sept. 07. Ed recently found & emailed them to me. Why, you may ask?
I needed to know they wouldn't affect me & had to face the real fear of re-attachment w/her. Having studied them closely for a few days now, there is no residual threat. She's a model liar - just another conniving pretty face like Jill...so be it.
My whole life paradigm is changing rapidly. Cape Cod has lost all its emotional heaviness. The stay is temporary, & I'll be leaving shortly for good. My 22 yr self-repair exile is almost finished. The Cape now has no residual value anymore except for a few good friends & my family.
Otherwise, it represents a seasonal prison of suffering. People live on the island b/c they love to struggle. Goddamn puritanical New England attitude: hunker down & endure whatever comes, no matter what - even to the ruination of all.
Madness.
Nature & Stillness have kept me @ least halfway sane the whole time. Once you get past all the hardship, Cape Cod's true gifts are purgative healing & transformation. Both have occurred for me, & the cycle is nearly over.
Pain is a gift...if it yields growth.
Have had issues w/this Costa Rica trip f/the start, & it's really starting to bug me. First I was scared to go b/c I'd never been anywhere abroad. Then, I didn't know whether the whole plan would fall apart b/c I basically lost all faith in the project & my ability to finish it. Now, I'm hedging on whether to even go b/c of the politics going on between parties w/in the organization. Notwithstanding their lack of any timely effort in getting me content.
I don't need that fucking stress.
Tomorrow I'm posting what I have, & they can figure out what to do afterwards. The whole affair wreaks of disorganization & bullshit.
I'm ready to bail & probably will.
Otherwise, I'd just as soon stay here, focus on the business until Feb. & fly to FL for a few weeks. No BS or drama there...
We'll see what happens.
Meanwhile, I'm really pushing hard on the book promotion front. This is where my interest really lies. I could care less about the web stuff compared to it. Another interesting development is the unearthing of old pics w/girl #1 & I f/Sept. 07. Ed recently found & emailed them to me. Why, you may ask?
I needed to know they wouldn't affect me & had to face the real fear of re-attachment w/her. Having studied them closely for a few days now, there is no residual threat. She's a model liar - just another conniving pretty face like Jill...so be it.
My whole life paradigm is changing rapidly. Cape Cod has lost all its emotional heaviness. The stay is temporary, & I'll be leaving shortly for good. My 22 yr self-repair exile is almost finished. The Cape now has no residual value anymore except for a few good friends & my family.
Otherwise, it represents a seasonal prison of suffering. People live on the island b/c they love to struggle. Goddamn puritanical New England attitude: hunker down & endure whatever comes, no matter what - even to the ruination of all.
Madness.
Nature & Stillness have kept me @ least halfway sane the whole time. Once you get past all the hardship, Cape Cod's true gifts are purgative healing & transformation. Both have occurred for me, & the cycle is nearly over.
Pain is a gift...if it yields growth.
11/13/09
Antithesis
How can I balance
something
so emotionally
skewed?
How can I reconcile
echos of feelings,
seemingly forgotten,
but still visceral?
How can I ignore anger
only able to escape
through fissures
of pressurized
discontent?
How can I face
the truth
that I loved you
with no quarter?
unchecked
unchallenged
unconditionally
This,
the backlash
of my silence
and your decision
to walk away
No closure
no resolution
no validation
of such
elemental loss
Not even a word
or glance;
no tears shed
for all my suffering
You simply
turned your back
on the one person
who truly loved you
You can live with it
I cannot
something
so emotionally
skewed?
How can I reconcile
echos of feelings,
seemingly forgotten,
but still visceral?
How can I ignore anger
only able to escape
through fissures
of pressurized
discontent?
How can I face
the truth
that I loved you
with no quarter?
unchecked
unchallenged
unconditionally
This,
the backlash
of my silence
and your decision
to walk away
No closure
no resolution
no validation
of such
elemental loss
Not even a word
or glance;
no tears shed
for all my suffering
You simply
turned your back
on the one person
who truly loved you
You can live with it
I cannot
11/6/09
Dartboad, part II
Been pondering when I should post here again. Guess now is the time...
I'm flying to Costa Rica this winter for a respite in late January. Never done anything like it before, so should be an interesting experience. Never traveled abroad, for that matter.
I don't really know what to expect, & was pretty apprehensive the first week or so after booking the ticket. My anxiety was eventually assuaged upon speaking w/some good friends who will be down there @ the same time.
For a while I've known my time on Cape Cod is limited. The place just isn't cutting it anymore, socially or otherwise. In terms of work, I'm somewhat busy here...but don't feel like that's enough to keep me for the duration.
Personally, I've had less than stellar results. Just feel like I don't belong in New England - never really did. Ever since returning f/CO, I feel disconnected f/this place. It's like all my past emotional cords to it were just severed @ once.
While this is not a bad thing, it does beg the question: WTF is my reason for being here (beyond mere subsistence)?
My quest of path & purpose has led me to some strange places in (not so) recent history: California, Upstate NY, Denver, etc. These locations in & of themselves were neither good or bad. They exist indepedently of my ego filters judging them as worthy homes. My connection must be with the land - the trees, earth & ocean. One destination I've never visited is the Pacific Northwest. Another is the Southwest. These are both on my list...
Trying to carve out a personal life on Cape Cod is like chiseling a hole thru granite w/a nail file. It takes (interminably) too long & becomes a war of attrition. This social scene is so inbred, so utterly killed, even associating w/the usual suspects is an act of pure futility.
Obviously, I gave up a while back.
The next step is reaching out to people in other places & investigating those options. That's what this winter will be about for me.
If not here, then where?
Let the darts fly.
I'm flying to Costa Rica this winter for a respite in late January. Never done anything like it before, so should be an interesting experience. Never traveled abroad, for that matter.
I don't really know what to expect, & was pretty apprehensive the first week or so after booking the ticket. My anxiety was eventually assuaged upon speaking w/some good friends who will be down there @ the same time.
For a while I've known my time on Cape Cod is limited. The place just isn't cutting it anymore, socially or otherwise. In terms of work, I'm somewhat busy here...but don't feel like that's enough to keep me for the duration.
Personally, I've had less than stellar results. Just feel like I don't belong in New England - never really did. Ever since returning f/CO, I feel disconnected f/this place. It's like all my past emotional cords to it were just severed @ once.
While this is not a bad thing, it does beg the question: WTF is my reason for being here (beyond mere subsistence)?
My quest of path & purpose has led me to some strange places in (not so) recent history: California, Upstate NY, Denver, etc. These locations in & of themselves were neither good or bad. They exist indepedently of my ego filters judging them as worthy homes. My connection must be with the land - the trees, earth & ocean. One destination I've never visited is the Pacific Northwest. Another is the Southwest. These are both on my list...
Trying to carve out a personal life on Cape Cod is like chiseling a hole thru granite w/a nail file. It takes (interminably) too long & becomes a war of attrition. This social scene is so inbred, so utterly killed, even associating w/the usual suspects is an act of pure futility.
Obviously, I gave up a while back.
The next step is reaching out to people in other places & investigating those options. That's what this winter will be about for me.
If not here, then where?
Let the darts fly.
10/11/09
Signpost
What is my purpose, other than to observe & record? I feel stagnant, almost like a stick in dried mud. There is no forward motion here - just the same old stasis of familiar daily routine. My whole paradigm of complacent waiting & watching has finally outlasted its own expiration date.
Can't see any sort of impasse or resolution in the near future w/out rocking the boat. What makes more sense - staying in a safe, sheltered environment where everything is predictable & comfortable, or taking action?
Time to move on.
So, next question - where to go & what to do?
This is where things get hazy: my life has no clear path or purpose.
Never has.
With no bearings or compass to guide me, it's difficult to know how to proceed.
Direction: unknown
That is all.
Can't see any sort of impasse or resolution in the near future w/out rocking the boat. What makes more sense - staying in a safe, sheltered environment where everything is predictable & comfortable, or taking action?
Time to move on.
So, next question - where to go & what to do?
This is where things get hazy: my life has no clear path or purpose.
Never has.
With no bearings or compass to guide me, it's difficult to know how to proceed.
Direction: unknown
That is all.
9/29/09
Filler
Haven't posted anything in a while...been pretty busy w/a (seemingly) expanding web biz, final book revisions & other misc. stuff. Why is SDT growing in the face of a bleak economy? Why do I feel tied to this place even tho I wanna bail out half the time? Why should I stay when it seems to yield nothing but emotional dysfunction & painful lessons?
No fucking clue.
Seems as if I'm dwelling in a paradox - business success & personal mediocrity, all @ once. That's pretty damn bizarre, but par for the course. Such is the inanity of physical life. My intention is manifesting a relationship to balance everything out. It may just yet be the key to my survival here.
As for winter, undecided yet. I'm watching how things pan out this fall to determine a proper course of action. Everything remains to be seen...
Feels like great change is imminent & will sneak up on me when I least expect.
Let it come.
No fucking clue.
Seems as if I'm dwelling in a paradox - business success & personal mediocrity, all @ once. That's pretty damn bizarre, but par for the course. Such is the inanity of physical life. My intention is manifesting a relationship to balance everything out. It may just yet be the key to my survival here.
As for winter, undecided yet. I'm watching how things pan out this fall to determine a proper course of action. Everything remains to be seen...
Feels like great change is imminent & will sneak up on me when I least expect.
Let it come.
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