She lived within
my heart's dream,
lost in a haze
of ancient memory
Distant echoes
of past love and loss -
long since forgotten
then remembered again
They never mattered.
Jaded,
I fearfully clung
to familiar patterns
for any semblance
of stability
It never existed.
Blindfolded,
I wandered
barren wastelands
of an empty heart
and restless soul
There was no quarter.
What purpose
does such
self-evisceration
truly serve?
None.
Finally escaping
this emotional prison,
I cast off heavy shackles
of limiting beliefs
A cold light lingers
as my old self-image
disintegrates
into bones and dust
The winds of change,
leaving no trace
of its former existence
Now I am resurrected
as a trembling child
in an unfamiliar place.
8/3/08
7/23/08
C.O.D.
Found out Lizzie's cause of death last night. Some mighty interesting & fucked up information. Guess it was bound to come out eventually. There isn't much to say other than I'm not surprised. She was a quintessential addict, to the bitter end.
Mind you, I'm not upset by it - just sobered to a great extent.
I remember finally hitting a brick wall w/Jill. After 1.5 yrs of witless enabling, thousands of dollars spent, countless hours of babysitting, 22 detox visits, 4 trips to New Bedford, numerous AA meetings, utter emotional/physical exhaustion & base energetic depletion, I literally had nothing left.
Completely tapped out.
It took all that to realize I couldn't save her. Go fucking figure. Guess the lesson for anyone involved w/an addict (thru friendship, a relationship or family) is to detach as much as possible before it's too late. Also, don't blame yourself for damaging things done w/good intentions. None of us had any bloody clue when signing up for this crap.
Jill has been clean for a while, now. She has a son. Lizzie could never quite get clean. She also had a son. Life circumstances don't always dictate the right choice. It must come f/deep inside & nowhere else.
Lizzie once told my Mom,
"You can't save me. Nobody can."
She was right. The choice was hers & hers alone. I don't know the point of this post, & frankly don't care either. My brain is mush, my body is overtired, & I feel like a goddamn desperate housewife or something.
Totally bizarre.
Where's the plane for Fantasy Island - I'm ready to bail out now. Where's Tattoo, that diminutive exotic motherfucker???
Shit - he died too. Nevermind...
Mind you, I'm not upset by it - just sobered to a great extent.
I remember finally hitting a brick wall w/Jill. After 1.5 yrs of witless enabling, thousands of dollars spent, countless hours of babysitting, 22 detox visits, 4 trips to New Bedford, numerous AA meetings, utter emotional/physical exhaustion & base energetic depletion, I literally had nothing left.
Completely tapped out.
It took all that to realize I couldn't save her. Go fucking figure. Guess the lesson for anyone involved w/an addict (thru friendship, a relationship or family) is to detach as much as possible before it's too late. Also, don't blame yourself for damaging things done w/good intentions. None of us had any bloody clue when signing up for this crap.
Jill has been clean for a while, now. She has a son. Lizzie could never quite get clean. She also had a son. Life circumstances don't always dictate the right choice. It must come f/deep inside & nowhere else.
Lizzie once told my Mom,
"You can't save me. Nobody can."
She was right. The choice was hers & hers alone. I don't know the point of this post, & frankly don't care either. My brain is mush, my body is overtired, & I feel like a goddamn desperate housewife or something.
Totally bizarre.
Where's the plane for Fantasy Island - I'm ready to bail out now. Where's Tattoo, that diminutive exotic motherfucker???
Shit - he died too. Nevermind...
7/18/08
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
Yeah.
Typing this out on the new (to me) $350 PowerBook G4 1.5GHz. Nice machine...glad I finally switched back to a 15.2" screen. Anyway, sitting here w/familiar pangs of worry about health insurance, rent & all that other happy horseshit. What else is new.
It'd really be nice to have some kind of serious financial windfall right now. Maybe I should finally break down & play the lottery. Never was one for gambling - stayed a week in Vegas back in '98 & spent 85 cents on penny/nickel slots @ the Maxim.
Either way, feel as though I'm @ the top of a giant toilet bowl, beginning the gradual whirlpool flush down into god-knows-what. It's like I'm always right on the edge of financial or emotional oblivion, depending on what day it is.
Is anyone else experiencing this recently?
Uncertainty was never my strong point. It's also something I'm now learning how to live w/on a daily basis. All the "peace of mind" fed to us thru advertising by Corporate America is a pipe dream. There is no stability. Everything is in constant flux & won't ever stop changing. Life is unpredictable, no matter how much the ego wants to induce situational coma.
So, how do I resist the urge to simply throw in the towel & apply for a shit job @ Stop & Shop?
Stay in the moment - fuck the rest. No matter how bad things may seem, they really aren't.
Life circumstances = cleverly designed illusion.
That is all.
Typing this out on the new (to me) $350 PowerBook G4 1.5GHz. Nice machine...glad I finally switched back to a 15.2" screen. Anyway, sitting here w/familiar pangs of worry about health insurance, rent & all that other happy horseshit. What else is new.
It'd really be nice to have some kind of serious financial windfall right now. Maybe I should finally break down & play the lottery. Never was one for gambling - stayed a week in Vegas back in '98 & spent 85 cents on penny/nickel slots @ the Maxim.
Either way, feel as though I'm @ the top of a giant toilet bowl, beginning the gradual whirlpool flush down into god-knows-what. It's like I'm always right on the edge of financial or emotional oblivion, depending on what day it is.
Is anyone else experiencing this recently?
Uncertainty was never my strong point. It's also something I'm now learning how to live w/on a daily basis. All the "peace of mind" fed to us thru advertising by Corporate America is a pipe dream. There is no stability. Everything is in constant flux & won't ever stop changing. Life is unpredictable, no matter how much the ego wants to induce situational coma.
So, how do I resist the urge to simply throw in the towel & apply for a shit job @ Stop & Shop?
Stay in the moment - fuck the rest. No matter how bad things may seem, they really aren't.
Life circumstances = cleverly designed illusion.
That is all.
7/7/08
Doldrums
Ever feel like you're just going thru the motions w/physical life? That's me right now - get up, Cheerios, drive to 'fleet, surf lesson(s), maybe surfing, drive to the office, work on SDT, go to the bird, drive back to office, more SDT updates, drive home, carbohydrate binge before bed, crash. Repeat.
My daily routine in a nutshell.
I am in such need of a summer fling or some goddamn thing it's stupid. Bored out of my skull right now. Shouldn't be, but am. Oh well...
Finally ready for the R word, I guess. God forbid. Anyone interested? (rhetorical question, of course).
Definitely nearing my critical mass for alone time. Not sure how to facilitate something, either. Whatever - too bloody busy to squeeze it in anyways.
Happy 4th & all that shit.
Later.
My daily routine in a nutshell.
I am in such need of a summer fling or some goddamn thing it's stupid. Bored out of my skull right now. Shouldn't be, but am. Oh well...
Finally ready for the R word, I guess. God forbid. Anyone interested? (rhetorical question, of course).
Definitely nearing my critical mass for alone time. Not sure how to facilitate something, either. Whatever - too bloody busy to squeeze it in anyways.
Happy 4th & all that shit.
Later.
7/1/08
Dead presidents
Sitting here @ the office, waiting for a phone call about work. Shit - here comes fear mode again...will they call, will I be able to make rent next month, will I be able to afford all my other bills, will I end up living in a cardboard box, is the pattern of scarcity/lack really broken, etc.?
This has been my primary nemesis lately.
In the present moment, no fear can exist. That's where I must dwell, & nowhere else. Been a while since I last visited, having been so caught up in such tumultuous life change, pain/loss/emotional bulimia, running a continuous gauntlet of grief/fear/doubt/remorse/anger. Fucked up & unnecessary - all of it.
My operating mode for over 20 years was punishment thru financial stress. This cannot be any longer.
There is no reason be afraid now. I'm doing whatever I feel like & allowing the Universe to provide. Fuck it.
Economic fears be damned...nothing more than by-products of the ego.
I am.
That is all.
This has been my primary nemesis lately.
In the present moment, no fear can exist. That's where I must dwell, & nowhere else. Been a while since I last visited, having been so caught up in such tumultuous life change, pain/loss/emotional bulimia, running a continuous gauntlet of grief/fear/doubt/remorse/anger. Fucked up & unnecessary - all of it.
My operating mode for over 20 years was punishment thru financial stress. This cannot be any longer.
There is no reason be afraid now. I'm doing whatever I feel like & allowing the Universe to provide. Fuck it.
Economic fears be damned...nothing more than by-products of the ego.
I am.
That is all.
6/28/08
Gridlock
Haven't posted for a while - too busy w/summer life adjustment madness. Fuck, I need about $5 grand & a case of BCS.
More later...
More later...
6/14/08
Post Mortem
Some relationships were never meant to be. People meet, facilitate life lessons, & then part ways just as quickly. Such was the case w/girl #1 & I. Our connection, while so elementally core in its energetic effect, only served a purpose to activate/expand my own consciousness - a primary & singular function.
Feeling so grateful for this precious gift, I inadvertently fell in love w/her (which couldn't be avoided).
Then there was the past life history. Our karma was so heavy, I was almost crushed under that weight. My sister's death gave me the courage to finally cast it away - thanks Lizzie...I miss you.
While we all have codependent patterns & emotional addictions, I choose to not engage them any longer. There was a real danger of this in wishing for a relationship w/her. It would have been based in smoke & mirrors, a wistful dream of romantic bliss w/no solid foundation of trust or mutual respect. Our reciprocal effect was transient & has officially ended. The karma is cleared.
What space she occupied inside my heart is now cold, dark & empty.
Closure achieved.
I am truly done.
Feeling so grateful for this precious gift, I inadvertently fell in love w/her (which couldn't be avoided).
Then there was the past life history. Our karma was so heavy, I was almost crushed under that weight. My sister's death gave me the courage to finally cast it away - thanks Lizzie...I miss you.
While we all have codependent patterns & emotional addictions, I choose to not engage them any longer. There was a real danger of this in wishing for a relationship w/her. It would have been based in smoke & mirrors, a wistful dream of romantic bliss w/no solid foundation of trust or mutual respect. Our reciprocal effect was transient & has officially ended. The karma is cleared.
What space she occupied inside my heart is now cold, dark & empty.
Closure achieved.
I am truly done.
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