Tightrope

Now that the subconscious work has begun, I'm dealing w/the repercussions of long forgotten feelings being reintroduced into my emotional landscape. This may eventually force my hand in certain circumstances where I'd normally remain quiet & not take any action.

My desire for a relationship has taken full center stage. Before, I was able to file it away under the misc. dreams unfulfilled category - not anymore.

There isn't much left to do but roll w/the new paradigm & see where it goes. God knows I've been held captive emotionally for long enough. My fortress of solitude is finally breached.

Perhaps all the noise I'm making to the Universe & other various powers-that-be will amount to something tangible soon. What I do know is some sort of intimate connection must be made for my healing process to finish. I can't progress any further sequestered inside a protective shell.

The opposite side of this coin is how to facilitate action. Life has definitively taught me to not force a resolution or scenario too much. The end result of such stubborn ignorance is almost always a backfire of massive proportions. Thus, I can't push too hard for something to happen in the physical sense. Sounds counter-productive, but it's true.

Said intentional communication & small real-world steps are a much more effective way.

Recently met someone who I could possibly like, but she's too buried in her thoughts to realize our potential together, so am letting sleeping dogs lie for now.

Time will tell if anything pans out before the summer ends. Whatever happens, a relationship will likely be my catalyst for some serious change...

That is all.

Automaton

Recently realized I have some subconscious programming which may very well be sabotaging me. This is related to money & my longstanding difficulty in obtaining/saving any. It most likely pertains to relationships too. The pattern is as follows: I make some progress in either area, then suddenly run into a brick wall.

There isn't a real formula for exposing such underlying negative conditioning. God knows I've attempted every conscious method imaginable w/little or no palpable results. Fact is, it's really too close to me for an effective outcome trying on my own. I need a third party to intervene - someone who can objectively observe, investigate & act accordingly in my best interests.

It's amazing how the ego-identified mind seeks to "protect" us from our true potential thru the use of subtle control like this. What gross manipulation disguised as self-altruism.

Feels like I've been held back since childhood by this shit - time to wipe the subconscious hard drive clean.

I bloody well deserve better.

That is all.

Fear, reprise

Fear -
the greatest enemy

Fear of being alone
of failure
of love
of emotions

of vulnerability
of relationships
of change

Fear of evolution

Fear of spirit,
soul
light
healing
unity
ease
abundance

Fear of giving
(and receiving)

All these,
by-products of the ego

And then, perhaps,
the greatest threat of all

Fear...

of our true selves

Sanctuary

I've just been reminded of how truly valuable silence is. The goal now is to remain as quiet as possible.

Ghost

I've loved someone my whole life & don't even know who she is. Her face resembles others, but nobody else could ever hold a candle. Though, after lifetimes of tireless searching, I did finally yield. Thus her identity remains a mystery, buried deep beneath old fear & painful memories.

And yet I know she's nearby, now...her energy is stronger than ever before.

Step out of the shadows & reveal yourself.

My trust in intimacy must be fully restored.

This is the only way.

White Noise

Been extremely distracted lately. Ego's doing a real number on my focus & concentration. Tangents, OCD, the whole nine yards...total pain in the ass.

Today I've finally regained some ground. Enough is too much. This useless thought treadmill I've logged ten thousand miles on over the last two weeks is officially sabotaged. How, you may ask?

Last night I surrendered all ego control to the Universe.

Sounds kinda stupid, right?

It's not.

A deeper knowing exists which goes beyond the thinking mind. It's called Life Intelligence. I simply substituted that for the ego madness of imaginary control. Looking around me now, I notice a lack of real physical clutter. The mind now demands a similar sort of maintenance. Been strictly eliminating excess crap on the physical & emotional level for a while - now it's time for the mental.

The first step is acknowledging that everything is exactly as it should be. Secondly, I must recognize the intrinsic utility & value of my current possessions to stop the incessant ego obsession of upgrading. Third, I need to stop any habitual nervous activities & just leave everything the hell alone.

This is my process.

Let's hope it works.

That is all.

Release

Some things are better left alone.

Case in point: my "karmic option" to help girl #1. The whole thing was a lie - a story created to suck me back into that vicious cycle again. She programmed the crystal, gave it to me, & I fell under her spell almost immediately.

These events happened a long time ago.

Now I understand her modus operandi f/day one. This is a deception stone, designed to cloud someone's judgment & weaken their will for the purpose of manipulation/control. A cold, calculated weapon for betrayal & sabotage. Words cannot describe my reaction upon discovering its true purpose.

It's also gone.

I cast it into the ocean earlier today. It represented the last vestige of her influence on me, karma or otherwise. That act symbolizes my final release f/this energy altogether. Returning the crystal to its liquid form also completes a long cycle of emotional death & renewal.

She's all on her own.