Pathfinder, part II

so the decision is made - after flying to FL, i'll return to the island for several months to prepare for an imminent exodus by Labor Day. as tempted as i was to just bail, logistics have forced me to stay until the proper exit point. no matter...a few dharmic housekeeping items remain to be addressed anyways.

living here has been a long, painful lesson in self-awareness. the past forced a continuous exposure to virtually every painful episode within a good 15-20 lifetimes to process.

i received no quarter & didn't deserve any.

that, plus a full docket of current life karma to resolve, kept me busy for almost a quarter century. it felt like a full-time job for many years & practically was.

ironically, even though the land still cries for retribution of unresolved trespasses, i cannot comply. the intense anger driving me to defy my puritanical persecutors is no longer in control.

i've actually gained some valuable gifts from Cape Cod too. my deep connection w/Nature was firmly established here. mountain biking & surfing were the means. purgative change was the motive.

of course, i just recently began acknowledging these contributions.

formidable resistance has gradually dissipated into quiet acceptance. the fight was never worth all my suffering simply for some imagined sense of ego satisfaction. it's basically what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object: complete acquiescence on both sides.

truth is, i'm better off leaving than staying somewhere i don't belong.

these next 5-6 months will be spent preparing for a spiritual journey into the west.

my healing path begins now.

that is all.

Pathfinder, part I

pondering an important decision which is fast approaching: whether to leave Cape Cod for good in February or return after my hiatus in FL. this is something i cannot consider lightly, as it has major repercussions on the future.

departing will no doubt improve my overall mental health, as the Cod eventually drives everyone insane. furthermore, i've lost any motivation to socially engage the local clique army reserves - their constant self-adulation & callous douchebaggery just plain suck.

financially, the move makes sense in terms of short-term money savings. no rent, partial board & free use of the aunt's car is a tempting offer for several months. however, uncertainty is king in the long term. FL isn't exactly the land of opportunity these days. plus, there must be steady income somewhere in the quotient or else i'll become nothing more than a mooch.

basically, i can analyze things until i'm blue in the face, or else make contingency plans for either outcome until crunch time. one fact does remain, though: the longer i wait, the harder it will be to leave.

yep, that comfortable complacency beartrap was instantly sprung upon my return f/SF six yrs ago. i walked right into it too...yet another victim of the Cape's quicksand curse. conversely, no matter where i go, the anger which follows will always chain me to this place. so in order to properly leave, i must make peace w/it on an emotional & spiritual level.

problem is, i have no fucking clue how.

perhaps a solution will present itself within the next few weeks.

until then, the fire sale & uncertainty training continues...

that is all.

Puritanical

darkness falls

dense fog
chokes
streetlights

damp pavement
chills bare feet

deserted homes
empty streets

emotional prison

i gave
heart and soul
to live here

and for what?

innocence stolen

love
squandered
by addiction
and insecurity

trust
betrayed
by conceit
and vanity

island of ego
governed
by fear
and desire

disconnected
divorced
deprecated

no farewell,
bon voyage
or well-wishing
at my departure

no afterimage
or fond memory

i arrived
and will depart
unnoticed

while others
remain focused
on their next
means to an end

fuck this place

Redeye

moving towards major rash action @ this point. fall has arrived, & the days are rapidly getting shorter. this place depresses me to no end during the winter. thus, i must leave ASAP. options range f/selling the car, flying west & starting fresh to heading south for 2 months, then returning w/a late spring departure plan. not sure WTF is happening, but it's damn well gonna involve some travel.

pre-exodus fire sale currently in progress...

that is all.

Anger management

nothing like getting so ripshit @ yourself that you can't see straight. oh how i do relish these moments...

BTW, i'm officially a dumbass emeritus

Eclipsed

day and night

darkness
and light

juxtaposed
both
in mood
and tone

she is
both loved
and hated

scorned
and worshiped

the object
of my passion

the target
of my obsession

is there even a difference?

love
long since forgotten

passion
buried deep inside

forgiveness
for sins i cannot pardon

an angel of mercy
to purge my fear
and ego avarice

she is me?

the answer
always
lies within

anger towards her
a reflection
of my own fear

i sit quietly
watching thoughts
struggle with
awareness

heart vs. mind

paradigm shift
on all levels

her quiet vigil
for my inner war
to finally end

as our connection
strengthens,
the separation
diminishes

presence in room

hand on shoulder

i miss you

always

Action

no more fear - this stagnation must stop. now.