Penance

As I remember all my past relationships, one aspect seems to stand out the most: neediness. There was always an element of codependency in one form or another. Jill & Kristin are quintessential examples of this. Jill for my ego addiction to her emotional pain generated by a vicious cycle of drugs & alcoholism. Kristin for my ego identification w/her subconscious anger towards men (as mine was w/women).

These both reflected my own subconscious fear of loss. I feared losing what, in each case, I believed was my final chance @ true love. I really felt this way about girl #1, too. Her effect on me was far greater than the other two combined. But now I've come to understand the purpose of meeting her. I've also come to grips w/the fact that we probably won't be together anytime soon.

It was a bitter fucking pill to swallow...but I did.

I've had so many short, intense relationships based purely on infatuation &/or romantic love, it seems like none of them even counted. What good were they if nothing constructive but pain & loneliness was derived afterwards (& during, in some cases)? I have no answer for this. Thus, I've given up searching. People continually accuse me of being lazy. Yeah, you know what? It's an emotional safety thing more than laziness. So shut the fuck up & leave me alone.

I have no apologies for the past. It's over & done with. I can only hope to sufficiently atone for those sins in the present thru some meaningful way. Guilt is a damning feeling that slowly eats away @ you inside, if left unchecked. I've sustained enough for several lifetimes, now. My saturation point has been reached. It's finally time to allow a new relationship...

I've just forgotten how to.