I need to start over. This path leads to nothing but despair & misery. My lament is complete, & there is still no solace 4 what could have been. This heartache cannot be mended...but will instead be locked away to fester in the catacombs of my mind. There is no hope or expectation anymore - just emptiness where it once dwelled w/in me. And yet I must still ask why did I have to meet her now? Why did this attachment have to form so quickly, & why is she still unavailable to me? This, after we've endured so much together in past lives.
No answer - just silence.
I am utterly spent & will dwell in darkness, never finding such unconditional love again.
Thus begins the long, bitter winter of my discontent.
6 comments:
My friend, there are some things that we never truly get closure on. People talk about "getting over" someone but the reality is that there are rare special people that you never truly do. I have found that it's just something you have to live with. You put that person in a place in your heart and that's where she has to stay because she meant that much to you. I never want to truly let go of my girl #1. The rest of this lifetime is a test. A lesson for me to learn to live without her. Because she let me go. If you doubt there are others with your pain, trust me when I tell you this... 15 years after she exited my life, I still wonder what might have been. I feel like a part of me died back then. A few years ago when I found out that she had gotten married, it crushed me... selfishly. Earlier this year when I found out that she had a little boy, once again it hurt so deeply. Selfish, I know. I truly wish her nothing but happiness because that is what unconditional love is. Still, I was filled with old the same emotions of emptiness and sadness... that I couldn't have her love any longer and someone else does. It cuts like a sharp blade. You know that nobody else could love her like you. There are no words to describe the empty feeling that leaves a lump in your throat and an ache in your heart. It's the lonely road of life and you must go on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eELB6NxrZ7A
And So It Goes
Billy Joel
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along
I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break
And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows
Jim,
Thanks for your insight into this. I now know we both share the same pain. It's good to not be alone in such suffering...
I need more time to heal - going for an extended trip to FL in January. My Aunt is having surgery tomorrow & will need help for the next few months. I'm taking care of her until the beginning of March.
It's something I must do for my own sanity, if nothing else. Realized tonight that I cannot linger here over the winter. Change must occur...
Well, how bout this?
You're not alone in your misery.
At least you didn't fuck shit up intentionally and are spending all your time either crying like a little bitch, sleeping, or vomiting from nerves.
Could be much much worse.
I'm here for you buddy, once I get my head outta my ass that is.
Either way, I'm here for you
John,
I mean this with all the love my cold angry black heart can muster.
SNAP THE FUCK OUTTA IT. SOMEONE in this lil outfit needs to be coherent n functioning.
Help a sister out here.
Okay Ang,
I get the point. Promise that I'm working hard on this too - one GD good reason 4 the Florida trip. All is not lost...
Thanks for your continued support, my friend. It is greatly appreciated.
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