Losing it

Been working on this post 4 several days, now. Obviously there was too much thought going into it to take that long. Just nuked everything & am now re-writing it from scratch. My fear of loss regarding girl #1 goes back a long way - like several lifetimes long. But the actual fear pattern itself is rooted in the present relationship history, starting about 12 years ago. Then I was dating this man hater named Kristin who basically stole my innocence (second time) & betrayed my trust on all levels. She was a real piece of work, this one.

Kristin & I decided to get engaged after only two months together (massive naïveté @ work there). During our nine months together, we shared every emotion possible f/love to laughter to absolute hatred. She was the most self-absorbed person I've ever known. Her ego was so in love w/itself, I became an afterthought. It's a really bad sign when you're more lonely in a relationship than while single. That's exactly how I felt.

In the end, I ultimately recognized the sheer dysfunction of the whole thing & broke the engagement off.

During that emotional tour of duty, an intrinsic fear of loss was established w/in me. Like if I found someone, I'd lose any future chance of love by letting them go. It was completely irrational & yet very real f/an ego perspective. This also tied in quite nicely w/my then active soulmate complex. A virtual package deal of codependent misery.

Fast forward to 2004, the year I met Jill, my relationship pièce de résistance. She was a friend of my sister, & a raving alcoholic/heroin addict to boot. Now, I had never dealt w/a truly addictive person b4, save Lizzie in a very peripheral way. Jill was cute as hell, very charming & a master manipulator. Reeling me in was like shooting fish in a barrel. Long story short - never knew what the fuck hit me. Suddenly I was an indentured servant, buying her food/cigarettes, transporting her everywhere & acting as her emotional counselor all @ once.

This enabling madness lasted almost two years. Oh, did I also mention the twenty-odd detox drop-offs, three emergency room visits, numerous AA meetings & several court dates we attended together? Notwithstanding four trips to New Bedford & multiple rescues f/a local drug den. It was like I was on COPS or something. Un-fucking-real.

After all the time, money, & emotional/mental energy spent, I was an empty shell. There was nothing left to give, or 4 her to take. I actually ended up leaving the state to escape the whole goddamn thing. Got on a plane & flew to CA for six months, just to regain some sanity.

Words cannot describe what I felt during those 18 months. It was pure emotional torture. However, I cannot place all the blame on Jill for it. I had a choice too & could have left @ any point...but didn't. Why? Because I still feared losing her more than walking away. My downfall was complete.

What I learned f/these relationships were the truly damning emotions heavily ego-bound & addictive people feel. The pain associated w/those feelings based in past memory was so powerful that both Kristin & Jill became essentially prisoners of their own minds. This is an important lesson in Presence.

Now, cue girl #1. Even after all the bullshit I endured previously, there was no warning w/her. She showed up out of nowhere & energetically turned me on my ear. But they'll be no more ego storytelling about her here. She floored me, plain & simple. I immediately fell so deeply in love w/her, it scared the fuck out of me. Instant unrequited love??? WTF are the directions for that recipe - add water & boil?

Then the whole detachment process became an odyssey. I've said this b4 & will say it again: letting her go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. Period. So, the fear of loss issue has finally come to a head: I can either fully release her or remain trapped inside this emotional prison of unrealistic expectation & misery. Obviously, the rational choice is detachment. Ahhh, but not so fast: now the past life component comes into play. Not only am I severing an ego attachment f/this lifetime, I'm also cutting cords f/two past lifetimes.

Holy shit - the solution just presented itself. How the fuck about that.

I knew there was a reason for writing everything out.