Void where prohibited

Let's see...what to write about today. You know, I haven't yet addressed probably my greatest fear & desire: true love. Was discussing this w/my friend Jan a while back, & she observed that it's exactly what I want, even though I always offer such vehement resistance. True enough: while I am the general of the inner wholeness army, one of my deepest wishes is to find true love.

I'll be damned if it didn't come & go already.

Now that I've had a taste w/you-know-who, the feeling cannot be duplicated. There's no substitute for such abiding peace & joy in the simple act of Being together. Therefore, the best I can do is treasure this experience & then file it away.

If only it were that easy.

Having vacillated heavily over allowing myself to move on f/this or not, the obvious truth is that I must. There is no going back. She is gone, & I cannot pretend to control the situation any longer. Let the record show that I never wanted to feel such unconditional love for anyone so soon.

I just wasn't ready.

As all the pain continues to flush out of me, the gaping hole it once inhabited is emptying out. Anything can go there...more grief, anger, guilt, remorse, etc. Or it can remain a silent, still space to eventually be filled w/pure love. The decision is mine how to regulate the emotional diffusion w/in this void.

I choose to preserve it as a sacred place.

Peter Gabriel sums it up quite well in Love to be Loved:

Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved

I have indeed paid the price, but cannot count the cost.

So be it.

That is all.