I went speed hiking in a local park this afternoon (a regular activity that happens weekly if there's no surf). I always relish getting back into the woods. Nature is something I thrive on these days. It helps me to recenter between varying lengths of egocentric existence.
While hiking, I always stop @ this one tree right next to the trail to rest. It's kind of like a rest area on the highway...the branch extends out over you almost like an umbrella. It also yields a beautiful cleansing energy which brings me right into Presence. I'll stand underneath & pause for several minutes, sometimes as long as ten. I always feel recharged vibrationally afterwards for the hike's remainder.
The park is louder this time of year w/all the summer campers in residence. I usually go in the early evening, about 6 - 7PM, to avoid the dogwalking crowd. I really prefer it in the off-season when nobody is around, but can deal w/the noise well enough for a few months. Last summer while hiking on the small lake's backside, I ran across some European man putting on his skivvies at the beachfront. Imagine doing a nice invigorating hike, enjoying nature & then suddenly - whoa! Here's some pasty thin foreign guy pulling up his tighty whities over the twig & berries.
I was like - WTF??? Not exactly the proper circumstances for that being full daylight in a crowded state park & all. Suffice it to say I moved along rather quickly f/this scene.
Anyway, other than scenarios like the above, I love hiking all the trails I used to mountain bike. There's a real sense of liberation f/all the ego trappings of modern society when you're out there. In a sense, it's like my church - a natural cathedral of sorts. Of course Cape Cod scrub brush & pine pales in comparison to the giant Sequoias of Yosemite National Park. I visited there twice while living in the Bay Area two years ago.
Those trees are simply amazing. They have an incredible healing energy. I remember going on the second trip w/a serious muscle pull in my upper back. After two days of hiking among the Sequoias, it was gone - no pain whatsoever. I hope to return again someday. Actually, my Blogger profile pic is a sunset shot taken halfway up the road to Glacier Point.
Get back to nature somehow - go for a walk in the woods, the marsh or @ the beach. It will help anchor you in Stillness, which is true healing for the spirit.
6/20/07
Pissed off
Here's a question: why do we always believe the totally fucking ludicrous stories our egos create for us? This makes no common sense to me, & yet I've been a victim of it countless times. Take, for instance, the whole girl #1 scenario - WTF is that??? Yeah, okay...I'm going to fall head over heels for someone totally unfamiliar who is already involved in another serious relationship. Utter fucking stupidity.
That is what I'm left with - a sense of such total idiocy, I might as well produce a reality show about it or some shit. How can something which seems so emotionally real be based on nothing tangible? Fucking smoke & mirrors, children...the ego's specialty. This woman doesn't even have the common courtesy of saying hello to me when her BF is around. Do I really want to be treated similarly by someone in the long run? Probably not.
An imaginary "possible" relationship based on thin air. How goddamn feeble-minded could I really be? Evidently enough to perpetuate this charade for over a year. I am the poster child for needless crush-based ego misery. It's such a pure act of foolishness that I really feel like flogging myself w/something. Maybe a wet towel...
Then someone says, "oh wait - you need to not focus on the past, but instead on someone in the future." Yeah, that's going to help...I can just look for the next angel-in-waiting to absolve me of all my past sins & give life some ultimate meaning. My emotional savior is just around the corner, hiding underneath a rock or up in a tree. Fucking bullshit.
I'll just manufacture more expectation based in fear & desire - the perfect motivation to launch another useless search for the "One." That is, the soulmate who only exists in my mind as a poor substitute for true spiritual wholeness. No more than a ghost - a figment of my imagination.
The overall point? Don't believe the lie. The ego-controlled mind will always try to deceive you.
End of hypocritical rant.
That is what I'm left with - a sense of such total idiocy, I might as well produce a reality show about it or some shit. How can something which seems so emotionally real be based on nothing tangible? Fucking smoke & mirrors, children...the ego's specialty. This woman doesn't even have the common courtesy of saying hello to me when her BF is around. Do I really want to be treated similarly by someone in the long run? Probably not.
An imaginary "possible" relationship based on thin air. How goddamn feeble-minded could I really be? Evidently enough to perpetuate this charade for over a year. I am the poster child for needless crush-based ego misery. It's such a pure act of foolishness that I really feel like flogging myself w/something. Maybe a wet towel...
Then someone says, "oh wait - you need to not focus on the past, but instead on someone in the future." Yeah, that's going to help...I can just look for the next angel-in-waiting to absolve me of all my past sins & give life some ultimate meaning. My emotional savior is just around the corner, hiding underneath a rock or up in a tree. Fucking bullshit.
I'll just manufacture more expectation based in fear & desire - the perfect motivation to launch another useless search for the "One." That is, the soulmate who only exists in my mind as a poor substitute for true spiritual wholeness. No more than a ghost - a figment of my imagination.
The overall point? Don't believe the lie. The ego-controlled mind will always try to deceive you.
End of hypocritical rant.
6/19/07
Detachment, part II
Okay, so I've been instructed by several people to stop hyperfocusing on the individual referred to in Baring the Soul & the last post. Therefore, I decided to post various attributes I'd like to see in someone else to possibly meet. My basic criteria (in random order) are as follows:
A. Honest
B. Straightforward
C. Independent
D. Emotionally whole within herself
E. Drama-free
F. Humble
G. Vulnerable (but not codependent)
H. Caring
That's as far as I've gotten. It's kind of a barebones framework, but I can't really pigeonhole someone into an idealized precast mold. Not only is this unfair, I don't really know what my "type" is in the first place. So...if such a person did exist, where would they be found? Nowhere I wish to look, that's for sure. One thing I've learned thru experience is not to force anything. If I want to meet someone new, the circumstances should present themselves. Life intelligence must dictate it.
Truthfully, I don't expect anything to happen either way...which is probably the most healthy place to operate f/@ this point. Expectation is poison to any relationship. My ideal partner would be someone without expectations who simply wants to be with me - no more & no less. It's that simple. Really.
My last GF could not wrap her mind around this @ all. She asked, "what do you expect f/me in this relationship?"
"Nothing," I replied.
"Come on, you have to want something."
"I don't expect anything f/you - I just want to be w/you, now."
"What does that mean?"
Et cetera...she clearly had expectations & wanted to know mine. That way we could exist strictly w/in her mind structure as a couple w/goals & plans. She couldn't simply be Present w/me. Everything had to pass thru her ego filters of an ideal relationship.
Suffice it to say our "thing" ran its course rather quickly.
Which brings us back to girl #1, my supposed perfect match. Would she really want to exist in that kind of open-ended equal partnership? I have no idea, but it's a moot point anyway. She is living w/her BF (hell, they're probably engaged now, for all I know). I can't affect any change in said situation. It's her life, & her choice. So, I'm done writing about a non-existent connection w/someone I don't even really know who's already in another committed relationship w/somebody else. WTF????
I have no answer - all I want to know is how to fully detach f/her without going batshit.
"If you love someone, set them free."
-- Sting
A. Honest
B. Straightforward
C. Independent
D. Emotionally whole within herself
E. Drama-free
F. Humble
G. Vulnerable (but not codependent)
H. Caring
That's as far as I've gotten. It's kind of a barebones framework, but I can't really pigeonhole someone into an idealized precast mold. Not only is this unfair, I don't really know what my "type" is in the first place. So...if such a person did exist, where would they be found? Nowhere I wish to look, that's for sure. One thing I've learned thru experience is not to force anything. If I want to meet someone new, the circumstances should present themselves. Life intelligence must dictate it.
Truthfully, I don't expect anything to happen either way...which is probably the most healthy place to operate f/@ this point. Expectation is poison to any relationship. My ideal partner would be someone without expectations who simply wants to be with me - no more & no less. It's that simple. Really.
My last GF could not wrap her mind around this @ all. She asked, "what do you expect f/me in this relationship?"
"Nothing," I replied.
"Come on, you have to want something."
"I don't expect anything f/you - I just want to be w/you, now."
"What does that mean?"
Et cetera...she clearly had expectations & wanted to know mine. That way we could exist strictly w/in her mind structure as a couple w/goals & plans. She couldn't simply be Present w/me. Everything had to pass thru her ego filters of an ideal relationship.
Suffice it to say our "thing" ran its course rather quickly.
Which brings us back to girl #1, my supposed perfect match. Would she really want to exist in that kind of open-ended equal partnership? I have no idea, but it's a moot point anyway. She is living w/her BF (hell, they're probably engaged now, for all I know). I can't affect any change in said situation. It's her life, & her choice. So, I'm done writing about a non-existent connection w/someone I don't even really know who's already in another committed relationship w/somebody else. WTF????
I have no answer - all I want to know is how to fully detach f/her without going batshit.
"If you love someone, set them free."
-- Sting
6/15/07
Exuming old ghosts & common sense
Todays topic is detachment. My own, specifically, f/another person & a set of painful childhood memories. When we're young, we tend to internalize much that happens (especially the bad stuff). I was no different. Something terrible happened to me @ a very tender age. My unique survival mechanisms were selective memory & emotional concealment of all traces.
Fast forwarding 30 years, the person whom Baring the Soul refers to somehow triggered those long-buried feelings. Thus, the initial reaction was to shut down emotionally again & repress them a second time. What I realized , though, is that her Presence brought them into the light for me to process & release now. I must meet them head-on.
And, @ the same time, for me to completely release her too. I was so focused on the grief about not being able to be w/her, that it completely blocked any chance of meeting someone new. I feel like this pattern may finally be coming to a close, especially since I've become fully aware of it. From a practical perspective, she is physically unavailable to me.
Therefore, I have no recourse here but to totally detach. Why did I meet her? Why did she have to be so goddamn perfect for me? In the end, some people are just meant to help accelerate one's own self-healing process. I can see now this was her purpose. I must accept & surrender to that fact, along w/our indefinite separation as it stands.
My mind cannot fathom Life's reasons for this chain of events occurring. It is beyond intellect - Life Intelligence is @ work here. So, once again, full detachment is necessary. I continually request help in the process, & hope it will come soon. In the interim, guess I'll just keep pretending...
Not hard, considering I've had so much practice already.
Fast forwarding 30 years, the person whom Baring the Soul refers to somehow triggered those long-buried feelings. Thus, the initial reaction was to shut down emotionally again & repress them a second time. What I realized , though, is that her Presence brought them into the light for me to process & release now. I must meet them head-on.
And, @ the same time, for me to completely release her too. I was so focused on the grief about not being able to be w/her, that it completely blocked any chance of meeting someone new. I feel like this pattern may finally be coming to a close, especially since I've become fully aware of it. From a practical perspective, she is physically unavailable to me.
Therefore, I have no recourse here but to totally detach. Why did I meet her? Why did she have to be so goddamn perfect for me? In the end, some people are just meant to help accelerate one's own self-healing process. I can see now this was her purpose. I must accept & surrender to that fact, along w/our indefinite separation as it stands.
My mind cannot fathom Life's reasons for this chain of events occurring. It is beyond intellect - Life Intelligence is @ work here. So, once again, full detachment is necessary. I continually request help in the process, & hope it will come soon. In the interim, guess I'll just keep pretending...
Not hard, considering I've had so much practice already.
6/12/07
Chasing chickens as a spiritual practice
Well, after all these heavy posts about consciousness, ego & all that crap...let's discuss something a bit lighter, eh? How about chickens? During my late teens (back in the dark ages), my friend Jim worked one summer @ a farm on Chappaquiddick. So, my other friend Chris & I took the ferry to visit him. While we were there, I discovered this farm had a big flock of chickens. Now, I have been known to imitate animals f/time to time (one of my many useless talents) & can actually do an okay chicken.
Basically, I started chasing the chickens all around the barnyard clucking like a hen on speed. This went on for about 10 minutes until they suddenly realized their own strength in numbers & then chased me instead. So, here I was being pursued by about 30 very antagonized cluckers. Every once in a while I'd do a rooster crow, & they'd stop for a minute to look around for one. But alas, the distraction would wear off, & our heated pursuit continued.
Hadn't had that much fun in years, I must admit. After about half an hour of freeze tag w/the chix, I called it quits. The chickens were substantially discombobulated, & I was just plain tired. So what's the point, you ask? Nothing - that's the beauty of it. The simple act of chasing chickens can be just as fulfilling as anything else more "constructive" or "frivolous" we're always told to do. It's pure play - which many people have forgotten how to engage in.
Do something silly once in a while. put your glasses on upside down, imitate an animal, make funny faces in the mirror (one of my personal favorites), whatever...
Just play around - life is a game, after all. The whole deadly serious egocentric vision of the physical world is so insane it's laughable, anyway.
Have fun...that's why we're here.
Basically, I started chasing the chickens all around the barnyard clucking like a hen on speed. This went on for about 10 minutes until they suddenly realized their own strength in numbers & then chased me instead. So, here I was being pursued by about 30 very antagonized cluckers. Every once in a while I'd do a rooster crow, & they'd stop for a minute to look around for one. But alas, the distraction would wear off, & our heated pursuit continued.
Hadn't had that much fun in years, I must admit. After about half an hour of freeze tag w/the chix, I called it quits. The chickens were substantially discombobulated, & I was just plain tired. So what's the point, you ask? Nothing - that's the beauty of it. The simple act of chasing chickens can be just as fulfilling as anything else more "constructive" or "frivolous" we're always told to do. It's pure play - which many people have forgotten how to engage in.
Do something silly once in a while. put your glasses on upside down, imitate an animal, make funny faces in the mirror (one of my personal favorites), whatever...
Just play around - life is a game, after all. The whole deadly serious egocentric vision of the physical world is so insane it's laughable, anyway.
Have fun...that's why we're here.
6/9/07
Post #3
The Stillness I felt as a child while hiking the Appalachian Trail has come back to me now. It’s the same sense of Presence calling me to abandon all things rooted in ego.
There is no greater purpose than to always be totally aware. My path of service is to simply resonate in Presence. To notice the space between thoughts, emotions, memories…all those ego-manufactured objects designed to distract attention from Being. To simplify in such a way that everything is filtered down to its purest, most basic form: its essence, if you will.
To cut through the mind-made complexity of egocentric perception & bring all experiences into this moment of pure experiential synthesis. A state where past, future, problems, judgments & crises cannot exist. A place beyond linear time in quiet contentment & joy. To feel this space around everyone, everything, around my entire physical reality & know its true nature. To completely detach f/the mind & base every decision, every action on intuition – ultimate intelligence arising thru life itself.
Everything comes back to the Stillness I felt as a child. To maintain it @ all times is my highest calling. It reminds me that everything begins & ends in Presence.
There is no greater purpose than to always be totally aware. My path of service is to simply resonate in Presence. To notice the space between thoughts, emotions, memories…all those ego-manufactured objects designed to distract attention from Being. To simplify in such a way that everything is filtered down to its purest, most basic form: its essence, if you will.
To cut through the mind-made complexity of egocentric perception & bring all experiences into this moment of pure experiential synthesis. A state where past, future, problems, judgments & crises cannot exist. A place beyond linear time in quiet contentment & joy. To feel this space around everyone, everything, around my entire physical reality & know its true nature. To completely detach f/the mind & base every decision, every action on intuition – ultimate intelligence arising thru life itself.
Everything comes back to the Stillness I felt as a child. To maintain it @ all times is my highest calling. It reminds me that everything begins & ends in Presence.
6/7/07
Baring the Soul
So I started this post probably three times yesterday, then just gave up the ghost. Here I am again, intending to finish it...the subject is someone I met last year who pretty much leveled me both energetically & emotionally. Still feel like I wasn't ready to meet her when it happened.
We had a chance encounter @ this coffee shop I often frequent in April 2006. I swear it was out of a dream or something. You know those times when you can see the planets are in perfect alignment, & universal timing is king? This was one of them - we ran into eachother @ this cafe & hung out for an hour - the most perfect hour I've ever spent w/anyone. Ever.
She has golden blond hair, the deepest blue eyes & a body to die for. I'd met her briefly the night before out @ a bar w/another friend. When she came in the door, I said hello - she immediately came over & sat down w/me. We then spent the next hour together quietly talking & working on our respective projects. She was a chef & needed to finalize her summer menu for the season. I needed to continue some updates on our company's website.
There can be no more powerful an indicator of positive chemistry than comfortable silence. We hardly talked - because we didn't need to. It was the most simple resonance possible - pure conscious awareness. I have never met someone who was so Present. Her Being was so intense that it brought me straight into Presence w/no effort. That had never happened before, & it actually scared the crap out of me.
The most terrifying part was I fell for her right away. Ironically, she was (& still is) involved in a longterm relationship. This is the most frustrating scenario I have ever faced in 37 years of life. My mental detachment skills now are so refined it's ridiculous (still working on the emotional aspect). I've truly never been broadsided by such pure unconditional love so suddenly. The clencher is that there's nothing I can do to affect the situation. It's totally out of my hands.
This really is my ultimate lesson in Presence & detachment on all levels. It has also grinded me down to the raw nerve endings emotionally for a long while. But I press on - ever determined to stay in the moment. Hardest challenge I've ever faced. And, finally, someone else knows about it...
About bloody time.
We had a chance encounter @ this coffee shop I often frequent in April 2006. I swear it was out of a dream or something. You know those times when you can see the planets are in perfect alignment, & universal timing is king? This was one of them - we ran into eachother @ this cafe & hung out for an hour - the most perfect hour I've ever spent w/anyone. Ever.
She has golden blond hair, the deepest blue eyes & a body to die for. I'd met her briefly the night before out @ a bar w/another friend. When she came in the door, I said hello - she immediately came over & sat down w/me. We then spent the next hour together quietly talking & working on our respective projects. She was a chef & needed to finalize her summer menu for the season. I needed to continue some updates on our company's website.
There can be no more powerful an indicator of positive chemistry than comfortable silence. We hardly talked - because we didn't need to. It was the most simple resonance possible - pure conscious awareness. I have never met someone who was so Present. Her Being was so intense that it brought me straight into Presence w/no effort. That had never happened before, & it actually scared the crap out of me.
The most terrifying part was I fell for her right away. Ironically, she was (& still is) involved in a longterm relationship. This is the most frustrating scenario I have ever faced in 37 years of life. My mental detachment skills now are so refined it's ridiculous (still working on the emotional aspect). I've truly never been broadsided by such pure unconditional love so suddenly. The clencher is that there's nothing I can do to affect the situation. It's totally out of my hands.
This really is my ultimate lesson in Presence & detachment on all levels. It has also grinded me down to the raw nerve endings emotionally for a long while. But I press on - ever determined to stay in the moment. Hardest challenge I've ever faced. And, finally, someone else knows about it...
About bloody time.
6/3/07
Post #1
Well here I am, writing about basically nothing...but it's @ least something in terms of nothing. Kind of like Seinfeld, in blog form. My good friend Angela can be thanked for the impetus to actually do this. Blogging is not something I'd normally gravitate towards. But I must admit I've been tempted recently to try it out. She offered some good encouragement, so here it is.
I'm sitting in an empty office @ 11PM on a Sunday night. Not exactly an exciting scene, but it's quiet here. That's the best part. I can't get enough silence these days. It is somewhat of an addiction for me. Guess that's because I can step into Presence thru it so easily. What is Presence, you ask? It's basically living in the moment - being conscious w/out thought. This is not an easy thing...especially since we've been trained to do the opposite for thousands of years by our egos.
The ego is a funny thing - it has kind of outlived its usefulness anymore. People rely so heavily on it give their lives meaning, that they forget their essential nature: Stillness. Some of my vocabulary may be recognizable as it is borrowed directly f/Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now. My ego was a very strong driving force in life for many years...until I realized it was trying to externalize what already lies deep within: inner wholeness.
Inner wholeness is one of many phrases used to describe a very simple state of Being: present moment awareness. To most people, this is a fairly foreign concept. They are so caught up in the past or future that there's no room for the present, no space in a mind full of mostly useless & unnecessary thoughts. We've all been conditioned by our individual egos & the collective ego (aka the mass media) to focus on the outer as opposed to the inner. What we identify with in the external world (our stuff, our job, our worldly identity) is strictly temporary & cannot give us truly lasting peace.
Peace is found in the simplest aspects of physical life: a flower, leaves rustling in the wind, rain, sunsets, etc. If you pay true attention to any of those things, you may notice a gap in your thoughts...a small break in the ego-driven mindstream. All that matters in life, essentially, is that spaciousness. It is an opening (or gateway) into the vast realm of inner space.
My life was so filled w/crap before waking up to this, I had to pare down both physcially & mentally to regain any perspective. Many of my possessions & just about all the useless knowledge I had accumulated over the years suddenly became a giant nuisance. The many ego phases I went through career-wise, hobby-wise, relationship-wise. etc. lost all their imagined meaning. I saw thru everything & recognized that none of it really mattered.
It was a sobering realization, but also a freeing one. To be emancipated f/all the mind-manufactured worry, doubt, stress & anxiety is the greatest event I ever experienced. Now, please note I'm still deprogramming my mind f/its ego-dictated madness. That is a lifelong process for anyone on such a path. I've been actively practicing Presence for about four years. It is not an effortless thing. I probably have about a 50 percent success rate @ any given time.
The biggest obstacle is automatic reactivity programmed by the ego towards little things. Basic stuff like a pen running out of ink, bad drivers, running out of TP, et cetera. These are minor inconveniences that really shouldn't affect our daily lives, but do. We're trained to resist everything that happens in the present moment, when the secret is accepting & surrendering to it all.
Mastery in life is the opposite of control. It's a hard pill to swallow, & many refuse to, which is why their lives become so miserable they can hardly function.
I guess the point of this whole tangent is to illuminate the subtle transformation of consciousness now occuring. Presence is so ephemeral that it's almost impossible to verbally describe...words can only point to awareness. Don't know if I've actually made any sense here - all I can guarantee is the truth of my observations & experiences.
Thanks for reading.
I'm sitting in an empty office @ 11PM on a Sunday night. Not exactly an exciting scene, but it's quiet here. That's the best part. I can't get enough silence these days. It is somewhat of an addiction for me. Guess that's because I can step into Presence thru it so easily. What is Presence, you ask? It's basically living in the moment - being conscious w/out thought. This is not an easy thing...especially since we've been trained to do the opposite for thousands of years by our egos.
The ego is a funny thing - it has kind of outlived its usefulness anymore. People rely so heavily on it give their lives meaning, that they forget their essential nature: Stillness. Some of my vocabulary may be recognizable as it is borrowed directly f/Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now. My ego was a very strong driving force in life for many years...until I realized it was trying to externalize what already lies deep within: inner wholeness.
Inner wholeness is one of many phrases used to describe a very simple state of Being: present moment awareness. To most people, this is a fairly foreign concept. They are so caught up in the past or future that there's no room for the present, no space in a mind full of mostly useless & unnecessary thoughts. We've all been conditioned by our individual egos & the collective ego (aka the mass media) to focus on the outer as opposed to the inner. What we identify with in the external world (our stuff, our job, our worldly identity) is strictly temporary & cannot give us truly lasting peace.
Peace is found in the simplest aspects of physical life: a flower, leaves rustling in the wind, rain, sunsets, etc. If you pay true attention to any of those things, you may notice a gap in your thoughts...a small break in the ego-driven mindstream. All that matters in life, essentially, is that spaciousness. It is an opening (or gateway) into the vast realm of inner space.
My life was so filled w/crap before waking up to this, I had to pare down both physcially & mentally to regain any perspective. Many of my possessions & just about all the useless knowledge I had accumulated over the years suddenly became a giant nuisance. The many ego phases I went through career-wise, hobby-wise, relationship-wise. etc. lost all their imagined meaning. I saw thru everything & recognized that none of it really mattered.
It was a sobering realization, but also a freeing one. To be emancipated f/all the mind-manufactured worry, doubt, stress & anxiety is the greatest event I ever experienced. Now, please note I'm still deprogramming my mind f/its ego-dictated madness. That is a lifelong process for anyone on such a path. I've been actively practicing Presence for about four years. It is not an effortless thing. I probably have about a 50 percent success rate @ any given time.
The biggest obstacle is automatic reactivity programmed by the ego towards little things. Basic stuff like a pen running out of ink, bad drivers, running out of TP, et cetera. These are minor inconveniences that really shouldn't affect our daily lives, but do. We're trained to resist everything that happens in the present moment, when the secret is accepting & surrendering to it all.
Mastery in life is the opposite of control. It's a hard pill to swallow, & many refuse to, which is why their lives become so miserable they can hardly function.
I guess the point of this whole tangent is to illuminate the subtle transformation of consciousness now occuring. Presence is so ephemeral that it's almost impossible to verbally describe...words can only point to awareness. Don't know if I've actually made any sense here - all I can guarantee is the truth of my observations & experiences.
Thanks for reading.
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