Guerilla coffeehouse

Earlier tonight, I was sitting @ my favorite coffee haunt w/a friend. It was pretty busy, something we're used to on Cape Cod in the summertime. We were quietly working on our laptops @ a table, when suddenly an employee (someone we both know) came up to us & said,

"John, can you get up & move to the counter?"

"Ummm okay," I replied, kind of perplexed.

"There's a couple who are complaining that you're taking up the tables when you should be up there instead," she explained.

My friend Chris & I looked @ eachother w/blank stares. We then looked @ the counter space: not a single open seat - all taken. Suddenly, the table next to us opened up. The elderly couple who had complained sat down. The woman, glaring @ Chris, started cackling something like:

"You two shouldn't be in here computering. This is a restaurant, not an office. You're taking up all the tables & chairs w/your computers."

Then her husband said, "The girl asked you to move."

I just shook my head.

Chris asked, "Where are you (both) from?"

"Brewster," she curtly answered.

He said, "I've been using my computer in here for three years, & nobody's ever told me to get off it or leave before."

She started to mumble something else, but then stopped.

Please keep in mind these two were clearly snowbirds, wealthy retirees who summer on the Cape & winter in Florida. Basically, they have money to burn. While here, such people (along w/almost everyone f/CT), act like they own the Cape. This is simply not true.

These people firmly believe their shit doesn't stink. In actuality, it fucking reeks.

I was amazed @ their lack of common respect during the whole incident. Plus, their pack of Republican cronies all came over to join them shortly afterwards. Then, they all sat around complaining about the price of someone's cup of coffee: $1.75. Ten minutes was spent debating whether that amount was legitimate or not. The stingiest of the stingy. It was ridiculous.

Now, I'm not one to judge people (for the most part), but these assholes were begging for it. They essentially held imaginary ownership of the cafe, the people inside it & everything else on our beloved little peninsula. Now, I used to work @ a chain store called the Christmas Tree Shops a long time ago - some may recognize it. They sell all kinds of crazy housewares & gifts like wicker furniture, lamps, hummels, dried flowers, etc. for ultra-cheap.

We'd often get uppity Connecticut pricks who came in expecting you to serve on them hand & foot. Their demeanor was inconscienable. They didn't think twice about asking us to load a piece of heavy furniture in the car, carry their shopping bags, give them handjobs, whatever they wanted. They were legends in their own minds, & deserved all kinds of impossible respect as such.

Those fuckers can all kiss my ass.

They have no business demanding the royal treatment with such bad attitudes towards the working people who call Cape Cod home. If you want respect, you have give it. If you won't, you don't deserve it.

Chris & I are locals. We come to the cafe every day, year in & year out. We're regulars & basically know all the staff on a first name basis. We're also friends w/some of them outside of this venue. As paying customers, we have every right to be there...just as much as these tourons clogging our stores, restaurants & roads for three months every summer season do.

One of Chris' favorite sayings is: "I'm not on your vacation."

Don't expect us to pander to your inflated egos - you're all just visitors. We live here. Also, just b/c you own property on the Cape doesn't make you a bona fide Cape Codder. You have to earn that status - which means being respectful to everyone.

Audience of one

Blogging is really a paradox. Essentially, you're airing out your dirty laundry online for all the world to see. The saving grace is the anonymity in this process. Some people choose to reveal themselves fully; others see fit to only give hints of their true identity.

When creating this blog, I had no clue what would happen. It was a pure experiment. AJOC in its original form is actually a bona fide collection of essays & poetry I've written over the years. It resides on my PowerBook in a folder called A Journal of Conscious. While bits & pieces are posted here intermittently, I'm in no rush to publish it as a whole, digitally or otherwise.

The project's goal was to keep its subject matter completely honest & ego-free. For the most part, those standards have been met (w/a few notable exceptions). I've also been accused of being too serious, needing to get stoned (yeah Ang - this means you), browbeating myself, etc. With such lofty benchmarks, what the fuck do you expect? Pomposity & virtuous sermonizing will inevitably creep in @ some point.

Hypercritical thoughts clog my mind about that often: are the posts too heavy & serious? Should I interject more humor or anecdotal material to "lighten the mood?" Et cetera, blah blah blah.

Truth is, I could give a shit what people think of the blog. It's not about satisfying their need for new & more entertaining fodder - it's an outlet for me to exorcise my own demons, acknowledge the sacredness in everything & (try to) make some fucking sense out of this menagerie called life. Besides, who the hell is actually reading? I have no real audience...just my friend Ang & random comment spammers once in a while.

It doesn't bother me. I neither want nor need a collection of readers who expect me to react in certain ways towards everything. Then AJOC suddenly becomes a sitcom, with formulaic plots revolving around recurring themes like girl #1, Presence & whatnot. Comments then turn into a laugh track of ego reinforcement for one type of behavior or another. The whole thing basically becomes a contrived joke.

I'll kill it before that happens.

Ironically, my very first post contains an analogy to Seinfeld. Guess we've come full circle now. This blog is not reality TV...it's a means to an end. The means is ineffectual language & mediocre prose. The end is greater awareness & less clutter in my overstimulated, paranoid little mind.

Have a nice day.

Backlash, reprise

The post I wrote yesterday sucked. After re-reading it like five times, I deleted the damn thing. Today is a fresh start. Woke up @ 7AM, cleaned my apt., came to work & am staying cool in the shade. I'm on a pretty even keel right now.

AJOC has quickly become an effective outlet for processing/releasing my long-buried emotional demons. We all have our own ways of dealing w/such base fears - this blog is part of my toolbox, & I am truly thankful for its existence.

And now, a total non sequitur...

Talking w/my friend Ang yesterday afternoon, I suddenly realized something: I haven't begun my chosen healing work yet for two different reasons:

1. My own healing is incomplete...there's a bit more to do here.

2. I'm kinda afraid to start the actual work itself. The last time I did a treatment on someone, I got into a car accident five minutes after leaving the appointment. That was a bit unnerving.

Anyway, I'm now lining up some practice clients, basically family & friends who need help on physical/emotional issues & the like. We'll see how things go. Hopefully everyone gets something positive out of it. I'd also like to gain some good experience & valuable feedback in the process.

Prior to deletion, last night's topic was something I seriously debated not addressing @ all. It's a pretty private subject, one I've traditionally avoided. Guess sometimes you just have to put things out there to make any progress in dealing w/them. In the end, I'm glad I did (even if only for a day)...this forced me to meet the emotions head on.

Reliving your childhood sexual abuse later in life is, to say the least, unsettling. Having blocked out the memories since I was six, there was no real frame of reference for the onslaught of emotions & images that poured over me all @ once. There are so many layers of anger, fear & hurt, it really constitutes a mind fuck. For six months, I've done intensive energy work to both cope & process everything. Seems like it's worked, for the most part.

You pay a high price for such willingness, though. My fear exhibited itself thru physical symptoms triggered by the accident. I was partially incapacitated for about 4 months afterwards w/multiple muscle strains & a major structural imbalance. Had to get two straight weeks of muscular therapy just to regain my bodily equilibrium.

Notwithstanding all the uncertainty, anger, helplessness & bitterness I felt before, I'm a stronger person for the experience. This was all supposed to happen.

The past is leaving me now, & I'm finally ready to let it go - for good.

Transformers & my official disclaimer

I need to take myself soooo much less seriously. All this heavy writing about Presence, ego & the like is totally frying my brain. On a lighter note, saw Transformers Tuesday night w/my friend Ang. That was a damn good movie. We arrived a bit late & missed maybe 10-15 min., but the rest was the shit. I kinda grew up w/the cartoon, but not really. Watched some old eps the other night on YouTube as a refresher. Also found a clip f/the 1986 film, too.

Interestingly enough, Optimus Prime's voice was the same actor f/the original series. There are also some lines recycled f/the '86 movie in this version:

"One shall stand, one shall fall."

Prime says this towards the end (sorry, won't give any spoilers) in both films. There are so many references in the movie, it was almost impossible to keep up. Hence my need to see it again a second time. The effects were fucking amazing. I've never seen such good CGI. It was better than the Star Wars prequels or LOTR (except Gollum). They really did an excellent job.

Anyway, there's my mini pseudo-review of Transformers. Go see the film, for God's sake - if Ang liked it, guaranteed almost anybody else will (BTW, thanks for going w/me dear...your company is always a pleasure).

And, for the record, I mostly speak straight f/my ass when writing this blog.

Thank you & good night.

Misc. Ramblings

In all the cacophony of summer madness, a quiet voice speaks inside me. It says: slow down, enjoy the moment. My ego wants to be filled w/useless crap & expectation, but I truly have no need for such things. A seemingly endless list of activities, chores, goals, desires & standards demanding to be met in order to justify a "full" life. In reality, no justification is needed. The self-important ego identity is nothing more than a collection of paranoid thoughts & superiority-based bullshit.

I've seen both sides of this coin: a juxtaposition between deafening noise & utter quiet. Ultimately, everything begins & ends in silence. The content filling it is nothing more than empty cultural structures, entertainment, political doctrine & religious dogma, all aspects of our collective ego conditioning. The mass media is its mouthpiece. I stopped watching TV two years ago. It was the best choice I ever made.

The societal standards we all aspire to, no matter our places in life, are just imaginary. All that matters is this moment: the Presence in which everyone dwells. Everything else is an abstraction...mind-based judgments of our own life stories (relationships, careers, wealth & success) compared to others. There is no separation here, except for a conditioned illusion of ego duality. I have experienced Stillness, on a subtle scale, w/several people who can effectively operate w/in its realm of Being. Girl #1 is one of them. I miss that interaction w/her...

Maybe we'll have it again sometime.

Trilogy

Winding paths
of stone and clay

Each whispering stories
of a uniquely trodden way

Every road has a history...

Traveling
cross-country,
I saw many roads
less traveled

And I wondered -
where do they lead?
Who lives at the end
of these long,
silent streets?

Thoroughfares of pavement or dirt
leading to our hearts
and homes

Forgotten neighbors,
friends, lost
in the haze of
ancient memories

Where did they all go?

----

An impersonal world
full of cold, cordial people
greets us every day.

Compassion,
caring and love

All sacrificed
for corporate demeanor

Human interaction -
a lost art

What's left?

An emotionless script
of feigned concern
and false comfort

My firm handshake,
your genuine smile.
His heartfelt goodbye,
the tear in her eye.

These, scattered remnants of true humanity.

Then again...
who gives a damn, anyway?

I do.

----

Fear -
the greatest enemy

Fear of being alone
of faliure
of love
of emotions
of vulnerability
of relationships
of change

Fear of evolution.

Fear of spirit,
soul
light
healing
unity
ease
abundance

Fear of giving

(and receiving)

All these,
by-products of the ego

And then, perhaps,
the greatest threat of all

Fear...

of our true selves.

Solo or tandem?

Question of the day: is it better to be in a relationship or alone? For some reason, everyone has been asking me about this lately. My old friend Chris on the phone last week:

"Sooo, been on any dates lately?"

He never asks questions like that. Totally fucking random. Anyway, it has occupied my thoughts for a while now, so here goes...

I am perfectly content being alone in the cerebral sense. As far as my logic goes, relationships are nothing but a royal pain in the ass. The last few I was in pretty much sucked. To wit - a bipolar OCD egocentric time management fanatic, a bipolar heroin addict/alcoholic, etc. You get the point. Anyway, the common theme here was drama - mountains of it. So, after these several failed attempts @ coupled bliss, I decided to withdraw for a while.

And of course, we can't forget the venerable girl #1. She managed to somehow weasel her way into my heart without us even having a relationship. I'm still amazed that ever happened. What a motherfucking joke.

Having been in hiatus for just over a year now, I'm now actually contemplating something new. Don't know if this is really a wise move or not, but WTFE.

Summer is here, & the women are everywhere. I simply can't ignore this visual stimulus as it surrounds me @ the coffee shop, beach, grocery store, etc. Enter my emotional aspect...the tender little heart in all its infinite stupidity. This is what lands me in these dumbass damaging relationships, every bloody time.

I can't hide f/the feelings forever. Eventually, they always leak out thru emotional fissures to the surface. Guess it's just the curse of being human. Chris accuses me of being too lazy about women. Yeah, well consider this: I cannot force anything to happen in this life situation. That is something I learned a long time ago. It's a key piece of wisdom, too. If I am supposed to meet someone, the circumstances must present themselves. I won't force a contrived circumstance. To do so goes against the flow of life intelligence - an intrinsically bad idea.

In terms of love & relationships, I can basically take it or leave it. Ironically, I've had this internal debate happening for about a month now on whether to invite the possibility back into my life or not. Expectation I despise the most...it kills relationships (& also friendships). I would rather be w/someone than participate in some ego charade as part of a "couple." That's a total waste of time. If it isn't possible to hang out w/somebody while avoiding all the ego trappings of a relationship, I choose to be alone.

Wholeness is something I sought for a long time. Thankfully, there's a true element of it in this attitude towards relationships. I feel fairly comfortable in my own skin & don't really need a girlfriend, partner, mate, whatever the fuck they call it. So, back to the drawing board again: do I allow space for someone else to enter, or just keep the door shut?

Well...?

Beach Lot Crime Story

So there I was, changing out of my wetsuit @ a local beach after surfing knee high bombers for like an hour. Standing next to the car, I'm wriggling out of my Rip Curl Ultimate 3/2 under a towel. Suddenly, I noticed a longboard tail moving straight up in the air about 20yds away beyond the next row of cars. It was my surfboard...someone was carrying it off!! I strolled over to see this chubby 20-something white trash chick holding my stick & walking towards a black F-150 stepside.

"Excuse me...my board," I said.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes it is."

"Ummm okay," she said.

She gingerly handed it over to me, got into the truck (driven by her shitbag boyfriend) & left the parking lot. I had put the board down on a bench to dry after rinsing it under the shower & was just about to bag it after putting my trunks on.

Now, these stupid fuckers had taken it upon themselves to try & rip off a board during the day in a crowded public beach parking lot. Not exactly ace diamond thieves in the making.

Whatever - I know crooks are out there, but please be a little more tactful when attempting to steal someone's surfboard. This was just plain bloody dumb. Moral #1 of the story is this, kids: watch your shit...opportunistic assholes are out there, waiting to take it @ the drop of a hat.

Of course, everyone I talked to afterwards kept saying stuff like:

"What, you didn't do anything?"

"Jesus, I would've bitch-slapped her!"

"You didn't get the plate number?"

Et cetera...

Now, keep in mind that I was standing there in nothing but a towel w/no handy pen & paper in hand to record said license plate #. And, for whatever reason, I simply didn't react to the situation. Instead, I responded calmly f/a state of Presence. Granted, I was indeed very surprised, but not freaked out by any means. Suppose I could have thrown a huge fit & beat the crap out of her, verbally assaulted both of them, or whatever else.

Fact is, it wasn't necessary. I responded appropriately to the situation as I saw fit. My board was safe & sound, no harm, no foul. It still pissed me off afterwards (for a little while) & made a pretty good story to tell, but that's about the extent of any drama involved.

Guess the point is this: it's not necessary to always react under duress. You can choose to respond & still yield positive results w/out appeasing the ego's sense of dramatic judgment.

Maybe this Presence stuff is actually working, after all...

Random Musings...

After all the nervous energy of youth has passed - all the delusions of grandeur, the arrogance of self-importance, the poisonous sexual tension, the darkness of adolescence, the killing fields of young love, the addiction to material status, the steady drowning of the soul in a shallow and socially acceptable pool of conceited lies, comes the realization of an egocentric life's intrinsic emptiness...

Emptiness only pre-empted by a loneliness. The kind of solitude achieved only after one has finally severed all ties with what is false and meaningless in his or her life. A level of understanding where your loved ones, family & closest friends, become the most valuable things to honestly cherish. Because they will not live forever. Because they, like you, are all on loan to one another in this life.

And then you hope to make a true difference within your own narrow scope of influence. That you might somehow positively affect other people in some fruitful & constructive way, representing a means to some greater humane & compassionate end. That you somehow played a part in something more meaningful - than just yourself.

It is all any of us can wish for in this life, & comprises much of the hope within myself, as well.

Evolution

I have faced her fire
and emerged unscathed;
a smoldering inferno
of vain, useless emotions

The story, ended

There is no attachment
left here.

No imaginary
boundless love
I once imagined

This transformation,
a baptism under fire

Her function:
initiation,
activation
and expansion
of my own awareness

Our connection
has run its course

No more ego dreams
based in empty promises
of a love
too impossible to exist

To be over.

I stand here
at the edge of dark chasm
looking down
into the abyss
of my own destiny

An unknown state
of utter
spiritual change
and transformation

Fear resists,
but I step forward
and plunge
into the darkness.

Alone.

Alone on the Fourth of July

The 4th of July has always been one of those inbetween holidays where you feel like you should have plans, but usually don't. Christmas, Easter & Thanksgiving are easy - family dinners, church, etc. But Independence Day is a bit more ambiguous. Up until recently, I tried really hard to make plans for such days...especially living on Cape Cod during the summer. Society dictates that if you don't have somewhere to go w/other people, you must be a social ingrate or something.

This is a cultural judgment, just like being alone on Christmas or Thanksgiving. On TV, holiday episodes often center around the one outcast or poor soul who doesn't have anyone to spend said "special day" with & how the rest of the show's cast arranges some kind of surrogate family gathering to compensate for that. Truth is, it's perfectly fine to not have anywhere to go for any of the aforementioned holidays. It's okay to spend time maybe w/one good friend or even alone if you enjoy your own company (which everyone should, but not many people truly can).

I could give a fuck about society's determination of an acceptable social life & calendar. It's a collective ego abstraction which means absolutely nothing. Before the onslaught of mass media soapboxes like TV & movies, it was common to have many hours of time to oneself. This is actually a good thing...not the socially dysfunctional picture of "no life" popular culture portrays. Who gives a shit? Any time I spend alone is time well spent. Whether it's on a speed hike, in the water or @ home first thing in the AM or right before bed, I enjoy that quiet. It is sacred to me.

Society can bugger off w/all its caste system of cultural taboos - this is a completely skewed ego perspective, anyways. Be alone - & enjoy that moment - it's probably the most constructive time you'll spend all day.

Happy Fourth to everyone.

Disguise

Nervous laughter
masks
tears of pain

Sarcastic wit -
a poor disguise
for deep insecurity

With every step
into this
emotional darkness,
another
door unlocked.

Another veil,
removed.

Subtle energy
permeates
the physical self
mending old wounds

Purging
the etheric
and chakra systems

with brilliant light

Fear
becomes
self-knowledge.

Pain
becomes
experience.

Anger
becomes
compassion.

Ego fades away...

only love remains.