Flushed cheeks,
racing pulse
and shallow breath
All these,
physical symptoms of love
I have forgotten
To see someone
and be overcome
with sudden,
intense emotion
A breathless reaction
of excitement
and pure innocence
Eyes connect:
a startled stare
of wonder & desire
It’s been so long,
they all seem
utterly foreign
to me now
I’m learning
all over again
how to fall in love.
Is it even possible?
I just don’t know anymore…
8/29/07
8/25/07
St. Elsewhere
Humidity...melting my brain. The weather this late summer has been pretty random. Up until the middle of August, it was typical Cape Cod summer - warm days, cool nights plus some mugginess mixed in for good measure. Then, right around the 15th or so, it suddenly got cool...almost like fall. Stayed like that for over a week. Now, we're back to dog days. Weird.
Anyway, I've started my healing work (practice rounds w/friends & family) & am feeling good about it so far. The most interesting aspect is how people expect you to take notes & have some kind of advice for them afterwards - sorta like a doctor's prescription. For all of my training & the practical info @ hand, this process is completely spontaneous in how it unfolds during a treatment. The stones tell me exactly where they need to go & in what order.
Vibrational medicine is based almost purely on intuition, as opposed to modern medical research & development. The body also has its own way of telling us when something is wrong (e.g., physical symptoms, illness, etc.). That built-in warning system is much more accurate than any diagnosis (read: educated guess) a physician or specialist could offer. Don't get me wrong - western medicine has made great strides in all kinds of physical healing. However, there comes a point after which many seemingly untreatable conditions are "miraculously" remedied thru an alternative modality.
It all works in concert, for the most part. The thing about Crystal Therapy, Reiki or any other vibrationally-based system is this: the body guides energy introduced exactly where it needs to go for optimum healing. There aren't many (if @ all) modern techniques that rely on that intuitive format. Moreover, @ the root of almost any debilitating physical condition is an emotional cause. If said originating factor isn't addressed in a timely manner, it can cause a blockage of the body's energetic pathways, the meridians. This can also develop into symptoms or full-on disease, indicating a serious imbalance.
Vibrational work directly addresses these root causes, thus eliminating any condition & its corresponding symptoms altogether.
Some friends of mine are leery about this sort of treatment for chronic pain they've lived w/for a long time. I've offered to practice on them, but they pretty much keep putting it off. This is perfectly alright. Innately, they know they're not yet ready for the radical emotional (& physical) healing such modalities can facilitate. Maybe they'll change their minds over time.
While I am focused on building up a client base for my own practice, there's also a real element of Life Intelligence @ work, guiding me to people who are truly ready to heal themselves. That's the most basic tenet of vibrational healing: the client heals themselves. All I'm doing (as a practitioner) is helping them along by channeling in higher energies to facilitate this inner process.
And so it goes...
Anyway, I've started my healing work (practice rounds w/friends & family) & am feeling good about it so far. The most interesting aspect is how people expect you to take notes & have some kind of advice for them afterwards - sorta like a doctor's prescription. For all of my training & the practical info @ hand, this process is completely spontaneous in how it unfolds during a treatment. The stones tell me exactly where they need to go & in what order.
Vibrational medicine is based almost purely on intuition, as opposed to modern medical research & development. The body also has its own way of telling us when something is wrong (e.g., physical symptoms, illness, etc.). That built-in warning system is much more accurate than any diagnosis (read: educated guess) a physician or specialist could offer. Don't get me wrong - western medicine has made great strides in all kinds of physical healing. However, there comes a point after which many seemingly untreatable conditions are "miraculously" remedied thru an alternative modality.
It all works in concert, for the most part. The thing about Crystal Therapy, Reiki or any other vibrationally-based system is this: the body guides energy introduced exactly where it needs to go for optimum healing. There aren't many (if @ all) modern techniques that rely on that intuitive format. Moreover, @ the root of almost any debilitating physical condition is an emotional cause. If said originating factor isn't addressed in a timely manner, it can cause a blockage of the body's energetic pathways, the meridians. This can also develop into symptoms or full-on disease, indicating a serious imbalance.
Vibrational work directly addresses these root causes, thus eliminating any condition & its corresponding symptoms altogether.
Some friends of mine are leery about this sort of treatment for chronic pain they've lived w/for a long time. I've offered to practice on them, but they pretty much keep putting it off. This is perfectly alright. Innately, they know they're not yet ready for the radical emotional (& physical) healing such modalities can facilitate. Maybe they'll change their minds over time.
While I am focused on building up a client base for my own practice, there's also a real element of Life Intelligence @ work, guiding me to people who are truly ready to heal themselves. That's the most basic tenet of vibrational healing: the client heals themselves. All I'm doing (as a practitioner) is helping them along by channeling in higher energies to facilitate this inner process.
And so it goes...
8/22/07
Penance
As I remember all my past relationships, one aspect seems to stand out the most: neediness. There was always an element of codependency in one form or another. Jill & Kristin are quintessential examples of this. Jill for my ego addiction to her emotional pain generated by a vicious cycle of drugs & alcoholism. Kristin for my ego identification w/her subconscious anger towards men (as mine was w/women).
These both reflected my own subconscious fear of loss. I feared losing what, in each case, I believed was my final chance @ true love. I really felt this way about girl #1, too. Her effect on me was far greater than the other two combined. But now I've come to understand the purpose of meeting her. I've also come to grips w/the fact that we probably won't be together anytime soon.
It was a bitter fucking pill to swallow...but I did.
I've had so many short, intense relationships based purely on infatuation &/or romantic love, it seems like none of them even counted. What good were they if nothing constructive but pain & loneliness was derived afterwards (& during, in some cases)? I have no answer for this. Thus, I've given up searching. People continually accuse me of being lazy. Yeah, you know what? It's an emotional safety thing more than laziness. So shut the fuck up & leave me alone.
I have no apologies for the past. It's over & done with. I can only hope to sufficiently atone for those sins in the present thru some meaningful way. Guilt is a damning feeling that slowly eats away @ you inside, if left unchecked. I've sustained enough for several lifetimes, now. My saturation point has been reached. It's finally time to allow a new relationship...
I've just forgotten how to.
These both reflected my own subconscious fear of loss. I feared losing what, in each case, I believed was my final chance @ true love. I really felt this way about girl #1, too. Her effect on me was far greater than the other two combined. But now I've come to understand the purpose of meeting her. I've also come to grips w/the fact that we probably won't be together anytime soon.
It was a bitter fucking pill to swallow...but I did.
I've had so many short, intense relationships based purely on infatuation &/or romantic love, it seems like none of them even counted. What good were they if nothing constructive but pain & loneliness was derived afterwards (& during, in some cases)? I have no answer for this. Thus, I've given up searching. People continually accuse me of being lazy. Yeah, you know what? It's an emotional safety thing more than laziness. So shut the fuck up & leave me alone.
I have no apologies for the past. It's over & done with. I can only hope to sufficiently atone for those sins in the present thru some meaningful way. Guilt is a damning feeling that slowly eats away @ you inside, if left unchecked. I've sustained enough for several lifetimes, now. My saturation point has been reached. It's finally time to allow a new relationship...
I've just forgotten how to.
8/15/07
Identity crisis
I was @ the office yesterday for a bit before heading out to the beach in the mid-afternoon. I work right next to a healing space owned by my friend Jan & happened to see someone locking up the place as while leaving the premises. We greeted eachother, & I recognized her as another practitioner Jan had given access to to use the space. We talked for a bit, & I learned she's a personal trainer who works on Nantucket a few days a week during the season.
What struck me during the conversation was how similarly uneasy we each feel about starting our respective healing practices. Like me, she's afraid to begin. For almost ten years, life intelligence has subtly (& sometimes overtly) steered me towards metaphysical work. Over time I resisted, then finally resigned myself to the process. Why I was chosen to do it, I really don't know. Nonetheless, I am literally compelled to continue on a path my ego is very uncomfortable identifying with.
What's more, I don't feel like I'm even qualified to do it in the first place. Yes, I've had training...yes, I've been attuned to both Reiki (level III) & CEH (advanced crystal therapy) vibrational frequencies. And yes, I have a stack of support materials f/all the coursework taken. But does any of that give me the basic attributes needed to be a healing practitioner: empathy, compassion, energy awareness, Presence, etc.?
I'd like to say yes...but won't know for sure until starting the work. Which means, I must consciously surrender to it - something I've yet to actually do. I went thru so many phases of ego identification w/different hobbies, occupations, etc. Each time, I was convinced that activity was my life purpose &/or destiny. While I did all of those things for various lengths of time, I was not them inherently. Of course, I just am. Ironically, this healing path has also been both the most physically painful & spiritually purifying life process I've ever experienced.
So, am I ready to start facilitating healing & personal growth in others? Almost - but not quite yet. I need to acknowledge my role first...& come to grips w/the ego fallout of that not meeting so many failed expectations f/the past. It's totally different. The time is indeed near....but my own emotional healing process must still be completed first.
"Physician, heal thyself"
- Luke 4:23
What struck me during the conversation was how similarly uneasy we each feel about starting our respective healing practices. Like me, she's afraid to begin. For almost ten years, life intelligence has subtly (& sometimes overtly) steered me towards metaphysical work. Over time I resisted, then finally resigned myself to the process. Why I was chosen to do it, I really don't know. Nonetheless, I am literally compelled to continue on a path my ego is very uncomfortable identifying with.
What's more, I don't feel like I'm even qualified to do it in the first place. Yes, I've had training...yes, I've been attuned to both Reiki (level III) & CEH (advanced crystal therapy) vibrational frequencies. And yes, I have a stack of support materials f/all the coursework taken. But does any of that give me the basic attributes needed to be a healing practitioner: empathy, compassion, energy awareness, Presence, etc.?
I'd like to say yes...but won't know for sure until starting the work. Which means, I must consciously surrender to it - something I've yet to actually do. I went thru so many phases of ego identification w/different hobbies, occupations, etc. Each time, I was convinced that activity was my life purpose &/or destiny. While I did all of those things for various lengths of time, I was not them inherently. Of course, I just am. Ironically, this healing path has also been both the most physically painful & spiritually purifying life process I've ever experienced.
So, am I ready to start facilitating healing & personal growth in others? Almost - but not quite yet. I need to acknowledge my role first...& come to grips w/the ego fallout of that not meeting so many failed expectations f/the past. It's totally different. The time is indeed near....but my own emotional healing process must still be completed first.
"Physician, heal thyself"
- Luke 4:23
8/12/07
Resistance
Resistance is futile.
Any pain felt
Any emotional torment
and/or past trauma
None of these can be denied.
They must all be experienced.
Fully.
In them lies
a seed of grace:
the power
of acceptance
Fear of vulnerability -
the jagged edge
of emotional safety
I travel this road,
walking barefoot
on broken glass
and see a vision
of beauty
and unconditional love
in the distance.
The closer
I come to it
the further away
it appears.
I was innocent once.
Whole,
unfractured by ego
or fear
I long for those days again.
She is always
just beyond reach…
she is me?
My own burgeoning
wholeness
casts a shadow
too long to escape.
There is no solace
in anguish;
no joy
in suffering
Once you move through pain,
there is only space
where it once resided.
Inner space
Inner Stillness
Inner peace
Any pain felt
Any emotional torment
and/or past trauma
None of these can be denied.
They must all be experienced.
Fully.
In them lies
a seed of grace:
the power
of acceptance
Fear of vulnerability -
the jagged edge
of emotional safety
I travel this road,
walking barefoot
on broken glass
and see a vision
of beauty
and unconditional love
in the distance.
The closer
I come to it
the further away
it appears.
I was innocent once.
Whole,
unfractured by ego
or fear
I long for those days again.
She is always
just beyond reach…
she is me?
My own burgeoning
wholeness
casts a shadow
too long to escape.
There is no solace
in anguish;
no joy
in suffering
Once you move through pain,
there is only space
where it once resided.
Inner space
Inner Stillness
Inner peace
8/10/07
No Quarter
This song, Armor & Sword, was written by Neil Peart, lyricist & drummer for the band Rush. It utterly depicts my life experience over the last 8 months.
The snakes and arrows a child is heir to
Are enough to leave a thousand cuts
We build our defenses, a place of safety
And leave the darker places unexplored
Sometimes the fortress is too strong
Or the love is too weak
What should have been our armor
Becomes a sharp and angry sword
Our better natures seek elevation
A refuge for the coming night
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
We hold beliefs as a consolation
A way to take us out of ourselves
Meditation or medication
A comfort, or a promised reward
Sometimes the spirit is too strong
Or the flesh is too weak
Sometimes the need is just too great
For the solace we seek
The suit of shining armor
Becomes a keen and bloody sword
A refuge for the coming night
A future of eternal light
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
Confused alarms of struggle and flight
Blood is drained of color
By the flashes of artillery light
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
The battle flags are flown
At the feet of a god unknown
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
Sometimes the damage is too great
Or the will is too weak
What should have been our armor
Becomes a sharp and burning sword
Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
The snakes and arrows a child is heir to
Are enough to leave a thousand cuts
We build our defenses, a place of safety
And leave the darker places unexplored
Sometimes the fortress is too strong
Or the love is too weak
What should have been our armor
Becomes a sharp and angry sword
Our better natures seek elevation
A refuge for the coming night
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
We hold beliefs as a consolation
A way to take us out of ourselves
Meditation or medication
A comfort, or a promised reward
Sometimes the spirit is too strong
Or the flesh is too weak
Sometimes the need is just too great
For the solace we seek
The suit of shining armor
Becomes a keen and bloody sword
A refuge for the coming night
A future of eternal light
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
Confused alarms of struggle and flight
Blood is drained of color
By the flashes of artillery light
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
The battle flags are flown
At the feet of a god unknown
No one gets to their heaven without a fight
Sometimes the damage is too great
Or the will is too weak
What should have been our armor
Becomes a sharp and burning sword
Yup, that pretty much sums it up.
8/9/07
Solo or tandem, part II
This post is about something. I'm just not sure what yet. Been writing alot about relationships lately & lamenting that I don't have one. And yet I've also been intermittently trashing them @ the same time. What gives? The current issue in my life story is allowing a relationship to manifest or not. Then again, after all the debate, nail-spitting & ego analysis is over, one simple fact remains - I really do need one. It's been so long, I've almost forgotten how to relate to someone on a purely interpersonal level.
The few major relationships I had were so damaging, years were spent recovering f/them emotionally, physically & financially. There have been precious few benign, semi-normal ones in my canon. Something like this is what I wish for now.
Another fact is I've only loved maybe two people. The others were all varying levels of ego infatuation. And, of those two, neither were real love...well, maybe one was (for a little bit). Ironically, I would have married Jill even though she dragged me face down (naked) thru fields of barbed wire every day for a year & a half. Romantic love is truly blind.
Most important, I've never loved anyone to the core of my Being. Having pursued this since childhood, it seems like the desire was instilled in me before birth. You know what, I take that back - I did actually love one person unconditionally: girl #1. She's the closest I ever came to pure bliss. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be for us.
Am I unreasonable in wanting true love? Is it so unrealistic to desire a relationship of such peaceful simplicity? Of course not...I have every right. God knows I've paid enough dues to bloody well earn it. Question is, will this be presented to me? Life intelligence has a way of providing not necessarily what you want, but exactly what you need. Right now, I'd just settle for someone to hang out with - no false pretenses, expectations or bullshit.
I can guarantee one thing: whoever obliges will gain the most loyal & supportive partner she's ever had. That's just how I'm built.
Guess I finally am ready for another relationship...just not in the traditional ego sense.
Bring it on.
The few major relationships I had were so damaging, years were spent recovering f/them emotionally, physically & financially. There have been precious few benign, semi-normal ones in my canon. Something like this is what I wish for now.
Another fact is I've only loved maybe two people. The others were all varying levels of ego infatuation. And, of those two, neither were real love...well, maybe one was (for a little bit). Ironically, I would have married Jill even though she dragged me face down (naked) thru fields of barbed wire every day for a year & a half. Romantic love is truly blind.
Most important, I've never loved anyone to the core of my Being. Having pursued this since childhood, it seems like the desire was instilled in me before birth. You know what, I take that back - I did actually love one person unconditionally: girl #1. She's the closest I ever came to pure bliss. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be for us.
Am I unreasonable in wanting true love? Is it so unrealistic to desire a relationship of such peaceful simplicity? Of course not...I have every right. God knows I've paid enough dues to bloody well earn it. Question is, will this be presented to me? Life intelligence has a way of providing not necessarily what you want, but exactly what you need. Right now, I'd just settle for someone to hang out with - no false pretenses, expectations or bullshit.
I can guarantee one thing: whoever obliges will gain the most loyal & supportive partner she's ever had. That's just how I'm built.
Guess I finally am ready for another relationship...just not in the traditional ego sense.
Bring it on.
8/6/07
Dating Game
My friend Brendan has a thing for one of the foreign workers @ Shaws. Every time he goes in there, he gets all whipped after seeing this Romanian chick behind the deli counter. I can fully relate. Before, I'd get all gooey inside & crap whenever girl #1 came into the coffee shop - same difference. Anyway, he's been talking about her for a couple of weeks now. The latest news is that she evidently lives across the street f/him.
Brendan is the type of guy who'll fixate on a chick for a while & then half the time never act on it. He's 24, gainfully employed & has his own apt. right in town. IOW, he's ready to rock & roll. Thing is, he always seems to either drop the ball once someone shows interest in him or else completely crash & burn w/such winning pickup lines as:
"I'd love to swim in your hair."
"You seem like the runt of your litter."
This is a man of few (& choice) words. He can sometimes have trouble expressing himself around the females, as well.
While not the most eloquent person, Brendan is still fairly bright. He's basically just lazy - another trait we both share. I'm incredibly lackadaisical & could care less about dating or any of that other contrived bullshit. It's all a waste of time. You're better off just meeting someone naturally & hanging out over time thru happenstance rather than some carefully orchestrated series of dates. Can we say rehearsed scenes while hiding behind our ego facades??? All together now...
And relationships? Another fucking joke. Let's label ourselves a couple so we can both buy matching leather jackets, walk in public holding hands & give PDAs when nobody wants to see this. Yeah!!!! Expectation, drama & disappointment culminating w/the utterly meaningless institution called marriage. Then, a messy divorce & all of its own special emotional torture.
Fuck that - stay single, stay sane.
But I (totally) digress...Brendan is trying to gather enough guts to ask this girl out on a real date. He already asked her to the movies once, & she said yes. Problem is, she hardly speaks any English. Therefore, she could have just said it due to a poor command of the language. He needs to investigate a bit further & discover her true status. I even gave him a decent segueway to break the ice a second time - make the observation that he saw her leaving a house right across the street f/his place.
Whether or not he actually carries this out remains to be seen. Even I now have someone who wants to go to dinner. Will I oblige her? Probably so - she seems genuine & can carry an intelligent conversation. Both things are rare as hens teeth these days. I have no expectations about anything, that's for goddamn sure. I've been trapped inside my sleepy little world of single status so long things really don't seem to ever want to change. Not sure why, but that's the deal.
I wish Brendan all the best in his quest. May his cup runneth over.
Mine's completely dry.
Brendan is the type of guy who'll fixate on a chick for a while & then half the time never act on it. He's 24, gainfully employed & has his own apt. right in town. IOW, he's ready to rock & roll. Thing is, he always seems to either drop the ball once someone shows interest in him or else completely crash & burn w/such winning pickup lines as:
"I'd love to swim in your hair."
"You seem like the runt of your litter."
This is a man of few (& choice) words. He can sometimes have trouble expressing himself around the females, as well.
While not the most eloquent person, Brendan is still fairly bright. He's basically just lazy - another trait we both share. I'm incredibly lackadaisical & could care less about dating or any of that other contrived bullshit. It's all a waste of time. You're better off just meeting someone naturally & hanging out over time thru happenstance rather than some carefully orchestrated series of dates. Can we say rehearsed scenes while hiding behind our ego facades??? All together now...
And relationships? Another fucking joke. Let's label ourselves a couple so we can both buy matching leather jackets, walk in public holding hands & give PDAs when nobody wants to see this. Yeah!!!! Expectation, drama & disappointment culminating w/the utterly meaningless institution called marriage. Then, a messy divorce & all of its own special emotional torture.
Fuck that - stay single, stay sane.
But I (totally) digress...Brendan is trying to gather enough guts to ask this girl out on a real date. He already asked her to the movies once, & she said yes. Problem is, she hardly speaks any English. Therefore, she could have just said it due to a poor command of the language. He needs to investigate a bit further & discover her true status. I even gave him a decent segueway to break the ice a second time - make the observation that he saw her leaving a house right across the street f/his place.
Whether or not he actually carries this out remains to be seen. Even I now have someone who wants to go to dinner. Will I oblige her? Probably so - she seems genuine & can carry an intelligent conversation. Both things are rare as hens teeth these days. I have no expectations about anything, that's for goddamn sure. I've been trapped inside my sleepy little world of single status so long things really don't seem to ever want to change. Not sure why, but that's the deal.
I wish Brendan all the best in his quest. May his cup runneth over.
Mine's completely dry.
8/5/07
Lock & key
What would you do if there were no chance of ever loving someone again? That is, you had such a string of failed relationships & just decided to scrap the whole goddamn thing. Or maybe you just have core intimacy issues (like me). This question I pose now b/c it consumes my thoughts lately.
For the most part, I can ignore the mindstream in all of its useless frivolity.
Not this time, though.
When I was young, the abuse I suffered left an indelible mark...one that still affects me today. Essentially, I'm afraid to be intimate w/a woman. I mean truly intimate...like I'll tell you my innermost secrets, dreams & desires intimate. This & the trust which endears it are both things I was robbed of a long time ago. They have yet to be restored, either.
I've made attempts @ being close to people before - telling secrets I never should have divulged & allowing them into a space usually more well protected than a bomb shelter. You know what? They never deserved it. They never earned the respect to give me just cause in offering them any access. I wanted so badly to trust someone that I left the doors wide open for anyone to enter.
And, in the process, I was maliciously betrayed & hurt. Multiple times.
I see no reason to let anyone else in again. There are a few precious people who qualify as candidates for access, but they're either unavailable or not interested. This is fine - I'm much better off staying alone & protected than allowing further infiltration by hostiles, anyway. It's purely an emotional safety & security thing.
Wish I could find someone truly worth trusting to share these secrets with.
I wonder if that time may ever come @ all.
For the most part, I can ignore the mindstream in all of its useless frivolity.
Not this time, though.
When I was young, the abuse I suffered left an indelible mark...one that still affects me today. Essentially, I'm afraid to be intimate w/a woman. I mean truly intimate...like I'll tell you my innermost secrets, dreams & desires intimate. This & the trust which endears it are both things I was robbed of a long time ago. They have yet to be restored, either.
I've made attempts @ being close to people before - telling secrets I never should have divulged & allowing them into a space usually more well protected than a bomb shelter. You know what? They never deserved it. They never earned the respect to give me just cause in offering them any access. I wanted so badly to trust someone that I left the doors wide open for anyone to enter.
And, in the process, I was maliciously betrayed & hurt. Multiple times.
I see no reason to let anyone else in again. There are a few precious people who qualify as candidates for access, but they're either unavailable or not interested. This is fine - I'm much better off staying alone & protected than allowing further infiltration by hostiles, anyway. It's purely an emotional safety & security thing.
Wish I could find someone truly worth trusting to share these secrets with.
I wonder if that time may ever come @ all.
8/3/07
Soulmate or Soul Mate?
What is it about soulmates? Why is there a preconceived notion of that "perfect match" for everyone? Many people tend to externalize their internal ego lack through some type of dysfunctional intimacy. Happiness lies in someone else, not ourselves! This is the fallacy we're trained to believe. Truth is, the learning curve for wholeness is steep & usually requires a painful chain of broken relationships to be fully realized.
My own experience eventually taught me oneness - I'm just now beginning to embrace it.
For many years I suffered f/the soulmate complex, believing she would restore me & solve all my problems. That, of course, never happened. I desperately sought this emotional savior, assigning the title periodically to females I met in passing or knew as friends. It became a vicious cycle of expectation, disappointment & anger.
Then I started practicing Presence. Thankfully, this awareness allowed me to recognize my true innate wholeness & gradually break the pattern. It was an arduous process though. The impasse was a 1.5 year relationship w/a heroin addict/alcoholic which ultimately exhausted me on every level...spent over two years recovering f/that.
But, I also finally learned the lesson. Now, I'm single & fairly comfortable in my own skin. Granted, there are times when I wish for someone to confide in, share intimacy & hang out with. Guess this is just part of being human. So, the questions remains: does my soulmate actually exist? I have a feeling she may be out there - I just don't feel the need to eviscerate myself anymore to find her. Perhaps she'll pop up sometime soon.
It sure as hell would be nice.
My own experience eventually taught me oneness - I'm just now beginning to embrace it.
For many years I suffered f/the soulmate complex, believing she would restore me & solve all my problems. That, of course, never happened. I desperately sought this emotional savior, assigning the title periodically to females I met in passing or knew as friends. It became a vicious cycle of expectation, disappointment & anger.
Then I started practicing Presence. Thankfully, this awareness allowed me to recognize my true innate wholeness & gradually break the pattern. It was an arduous process though. The impasse was a 1.5 year relationship w/a heroin addict/alcoholic which ultimately exhausted me on every level...spent over two years recovering f/that.
But, I also finally learned the lesson. Now, I'm single & fairly comfortable in my own skin. Granted, there are times when I wish for someone to confide in, share intimacy & hang out with. Guess this is just part of being human. So, the questions remains: does my soulmate actually exist? I have a feeling she may be out there - I just don't feel the need to eviscerate myself anymore to find her. Perhaps she'll pop up sometime soon.
It sure as hell would be nice.
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