Cult of All-Trac

I've had an ongoing obsession w/Toyota Corolla All-Trac station wagons for a while, now. Having owned four of these vehicles, I can honestly say they are some of the most well-built & versatile cars around. Anyway, after selling my last '90 in February, I searched for a clean '92 to replace it.

Of course, there was nothing to be found regionally. As a compromise, I located a '95 Corolla 2WD DX wagon in NH for $1250. Been driving this blue beast since then. It's a nice car, but lacks the character & usefulness of an All-Trac (esp. in inclement weather). Soooo, recently I had a hankering to find another '92 & began looking again.

This time I widened my search to the entire country. Found a whole bunch in typical shape: either rusted out &/or driven into the ground w/over 200k miles. And then a diamond in the rough appeared - a '92 w/111k miles & no rust in New Mexico. This car seemed to have my name on it. I emailed the owner selling it to ask if he'd be interested in a trade. That's right...an even swap, title for title.

Amazingly, he responded & said yes. We have since talked on the phone several times & exchanged detailed photos of the cars to eachother. Right now, there is about a week's lag time before we can commit to a deal. I have a strong feeling we will agree on the barter. If so, we'll then need to arrange the logistics of meeting halfway in Terre Haute, IN for the vehicle exchange.

The question is: am I completely nuts to consider this?

Either way, I haven't been on a roadtrip in several years. It also really feels like something I could use. But, above & beyond that, is it logically & economically feasible to drive 2200 miles to trade for a car 3 years older than mine? This is a valid question, one worthy of being asked. Well, what the fuck. Sometimes you have to just do something b/c you want to. I don't need to hyper-analyze the situation f/20 different angles in order to make a sound decision.

I'm gonna do it anyway.

Desolation

Autumn begins
days grow shorter
Time stands still
we all grow older.

My perceptions change
like the foliage colors

What used to matter more
now doesn't count
What seemed trivial
is suddenly paramount.

Endless hours spent
thinking about nothing
The mind's ego state:
constantly cycling

All I want is
someone to know
Another soul
(perhaps not a mate)
just a person
with which
to commiserate

So much change
so many years
So much pain
so many tears.

I feel hollow,
a shell of flesh and bone
Almost like a statue
carved from cold,
damp stone.

Everything else
has already been said
All my emotional wounds
sufficiently bled

What is left
in this silent
empty space?

Just an afterimage
of her soft,
golden face.

Anti-dating, reprise

I must officially state a retraction here regarding the previous post about the girl I accused of being a player @ the bars. After careful consideration, it's clear that I reacted to the scenario thru past ego filters instead of perceiving it f/Presence. She is not a bad person & deserves the benefit of the doubt. I fell into a deep well of unconsciousness in writing that post & allowing it remain published for this long.

I am a fucking hypocrite. End of story. There was no reason for me to automatically condemn her based strictly on my past experience of being heavily manipulated. My actions have, once again, proven the strength of my own ego & its malcontent. This is reason enough for me to laugh out loud @ everything I've written in this blog up until now. What a collective contradictory pile of shit.

The lonely traveler on his rocky path has fallen into a big hole of smug, self-righteous quicksand. Somebody please extend me a branch so I can pull myself out of this mind-driven ego reactionary pit. Jesus...

The irony here is immeasurable. I feel soooo small right now it's ridiculous. And you know what? I should. Serves me right for preaching f/my high horse about all this non-ego virtue & then not personally practicing it. What a bloody joke.

Anyway, that is my conclusion after about 2 weeks of truly unconscious behavior in every aspect. The little ego troll has had its fun. Time to shut it the fuck up.

Contention

After all the posturing over whether to let somebody in or not after girl #1, I've finally reached a conclusion: compromise is not possible. As much as I want to believe another could fill her shoes, it's clear to me now that nobody else exists. There are certain people you encounter in life who will forever affect you in an elemental way & cannot be forgotten.

Before meeting her, I was stuck in an ingrained pattern of codependency, emotional attachment & denial. Having tried ever means possible, I saw no way to emancipate myself f/this vicious cycle. By virtue of her awareness alone, girl #1 triggered an energetic shirt & expansion which eventually broke said conditioning altogether. I know that would never be possible w/anyone else.

Her vibrational effect was so great, it literally altered my core energetic structure. Thru our perfect resonance, she shifted my consciousness w/absolutely no effort. That level of synchronicity cannot be duplicated. I doubt there will never be another who could change me so fundamentally again. This is the truth I'm left with.

What I write here comes f/a place of pure detachment. Ten months of intense inner work has afforded me that luxury. I cannot describe the emotional passage any better than pure transformation. No other person has ever subtly instigated such sweeping life changes for me. While still unavailable physically (she has a steady BF), my spirit speaks to her nonetheless offering utter gratitude.

Make no mistake, I haven't totally resigned myself to ignoring any other relationship possibilities on the horizon. I simply understand nobody can replace her. This leads me to the realization of no compromise. I am not afraid to be alone. Life is a path I've traveled, for the most part, in solitude. It doesn't faze me @ all. However, there are moments when I wished for a partner to help navigate thru difficult times. I notice those occur more often recently than before.

Nevertheless, wholeness is far more important to me than settling...codependent relationships & expectation be damned.

That is all.

Anti-dating, epilogue

Well, I just had a very interesting revelation. Turns out the new girl is a full-on flirt & likes working the bar for free drinks, attention, etc. This was closely observed by me in person the other night.

As much as I wanted to spend quality time, she seemed to more enjoy playing cat & mouse mind games w/other guys. That is something I have no time for or interest in. Basically, I practice zero tolerance regarding such shit. And, after expressing initial interest & following up w/a few voicemails, I'm now over the whole bloody thing.

Individuals who manipulate people are cast f/a totally different mold than me. Furthermore, I am unwilling to waste any time on them.

It's too bad, really...she seemed to have potential. Notwithstanding, I do wish her good luck & all the best in life.

Here's a little tidbit of wisdom I've learned thru intense experience, kids: don't ever allow yourself to be used. Whoever she/he is, no matter how much your ego convinced you they were worth compromising your own self-integrity for, they aren't. Again, don't waste the fucking time.

Eyes wide open, people. Always pay attention to your gut level & what it tells you about others...

End of lesson.

Anti-dating, part I

Well, I finally did it - I asked someone else out. That's right, somebody other than girl #1. Not that this is any earth-shattering news, but for me it was a pretty big deal. Am I finally moving on? Let's bloody hope so (cue collective groan f/all close friends). They were soooo sick of hearing me rattle on about her, it was ridiculous.

Can't really blame them, either. God knows I was sick of the whole thing & being wedded to such a useless attachment for so long anyway.

Ironically, I saw girl #1 earlier the same night I asked this other person out. I can't help but feel like that was meant to happen for some reason...won't ever be able to fathom it, tho. She came in w/the BF & paid me no attention whatsoever. This was fine - I neither wanted nor expected it. Mind you, I'm not angry w/her - just used to being ignored when he's around. Stupid, but whatever.

This new person is a bit younger than she is & different in all respects. Taller, brunette w/a light complexion & pretty quiet. She kinda resembles Liv Tyler in a way. Anyway, I called her earlier tonight (maybe 6:45PM) to possibly make plans in the next few nights. No answer, so left a voicemail.

That is all so weird for me to actually do...I'm just really out of practice. So I tried calling a second time in several hours to see if she wanted to grab dinner. Again, no answer. Didn't leave voicemail this time. Figured it would be both redundant & annoying.

So now I'm in post-initial phone call limbo. Such a wonderful place to be.

Of course the ego always likes to cast doubt in these situations, so it throws a what if statement out to see if I'll bite:

"Wonder if she'll even call back @ all. Maybe I shouldn't have tried a second time."

Blah, blah blah...WTFE you stupid child. There could be a million reasons why she didn't call. Too tired, busy, still @ work, etc. Relax. I'm totally over babysitting my ego & its insecure, fear-based perception of everything - such a pain in the ass.

I could sit around & concoct innumerable scenarios as to what might happen, yadda yadda yadda. What I've chosen to do is allowing it to be - the safest (& hardest) attitude to maintain regarding such things.

Whatever happens will. I'm constantly reminded that I have little control (if any @ all) over life in the first place. Que sera sera (god, I hate that bloody song).

The anti-dating madness continues...

Attrition & Surrender

Dear ________,

This letter is to forgive you for all your countless transgressions against me. The list includes lying, adultery, manipulation of all types, physical/sexual abuse, et cetera. You chose to continuously ruin my life for 30 years, until I grew enough to finally heal in some way. I put all my trust in you, only to have it utterly destroyed by personal violation & deception. I gave my heart to you, only to find it nailed, bloody & limp, on my front door.

Your twisted perceptions of right & wrong caused me more pain than is measurable in human terms. My anger was so intense it branded itself into the subconscious, unwilling to be processed or released. How could you do any of this? How could you commit such malevolent acts against someone who loved you unconditionally?

So many times I wanted to leave but couldn't b/c the addiction to your drama & hurt was too strong. You ripped my innocence away like a psychic surgeon, promoting continuous emotional evisceration. And yet I still wanted that...in fact couldn't get enough of it. Moreover, my morality was severely impaired by said trespasses. Right & wrong became a hazy shade of grey.

Your smug self-adoration (read: massive insecurity) isolated me to the point I was utterly alone during our relationships. There was no us, just you & your egocentric sense of betrayal, subtle hatred & distrust. You enjoyed your own company more than mine. I could never satisfy those needs. Ever.

Then there was the manipulation - using both my undying love & raw desire as weapons, you wielded complete control over me. I felt powerless to act, except to be your unwitting servant. This was my choice, as much as your intention. That much is clear to me now.

In the end, none of it served me any useful purpose except to teach true forgiveness. Now, after lifetimes of anger, suspicion, denial, fear, guilt & loneliness, I'm finally ready to let everything go. You reincarnated in so many consecutive forms of love & betrayal, how could I not finally learn the lesson? I have...& do forgive you, along w/myself, for reliving the pain in each ensuing instance.

Go in peace, knowing that I have reached ultimate saturation w/this pain & the truth it so carefully conceals.

Thank you...