Recap

New Year's Eve - It's been a long 365 days 4 me...seems like much longer. Let's review the highlights f/this year: 2 car accidents, numerous muscle strains f/said wrecks, three cars purchased & found to be lemons (God bless the motherfucking All-Tracs), mounting tax payments (last one due Jan. 19th after 2 extensions), & such emotional turmoil that I've never experienced b4 (save during adolescence).

Yup, that's it in a nutshell.

And yet after all this bullshit - all the logisitcal/financial obstacles, constant overwhelming emotional onslaught, etc., I'm somehow still standing. How the fuck did that happen?

No bloody clue.

My heart's capacity was stretched way beyond its normal limits in 2007. I've never experienced such a purging year of elemental change. Ever. It's like several lifetimes were magically crammed into 365 days. I had to sever all connections to my one true love, settle karma w/her in multiple past lives, process intense deeply buried childhood baggage, & then release everything in some constructive way w/out going fucking nuts.

What a rapacious year.

All this, notwithstanding my pure, unconditional love for girl #1 which still remains unspoken & unresolved.

So be it.

And now I must take my leave: a temporary exile to a warm place 4 rest & rejuvenation. Long overdue...

Oops, forgot about the culmination of my Crystal Therapy training & trying to establish a practice afterwards - an important footnote.

I can't predict the outcome of anything right now, nor will I allow my ego the indulgence. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other & focus on this moment. Because, truthfully, that's all there ever is.

Expectation is gone. Hope is an afterthought. All I have left is sitting here alone in this apartment, listening to the winter wind blowing across Nauset Inlet over open marshland & empty vacation homes.

All I have left is now.

Void where prohibited

Let's see...what to write about today. You know, I haven't yet addressed probably my greatest fear & desire: true love. Was discussing this w/my friend Jan a while back, & she observed that it's exactly what I want, even though I always offer such vehement resistance. True enough: while I am the general of the inner wholeness army, one of my deepest wishes is to find true love.

I'll be damned if it didn't come & go already.

Now that I've had a taste w/you-know-who, the feeling cannot be duplicated. There's no substitute for such abiding peace & joy in the simple act of Being together. Therefore, the best I can do is treasure this experience & then file it away.

If only it were that easy.

Having vacillated heavily over allowing myself to move on f/this or not, the obvious truth is that I must. There is no going back. She is gone, & I cannot pretend to control the situation any longer. Let the record show that I never wanted to feel such unconditional love for anyone so soon.

I just wasn't ready.

As all the pain continues to flush out of me, the gaping hole it once inhabited is emptying out. Anything can go there...more grief, anger, guilt, remorse, etc. Or it can remain a silent, still space to eventually be filled w/pure love. The decision is mine how to regulate the emotional diffusion w/in this void.

I choose to preserve it as a sacred place.

Peter Gabriel sums it up quite well in Love to be Loved:

Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved

I have indeed paid the price, but cannot count the cost.

So be it.

That is all.

Splotchy's Story (meme)

Okay, Lib - sorry this took so long...

I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIAm)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad. (Zaius Nation)

A feeling of dread washed over me as I thought about this turn of events. Frozen applesauce, chicken, eyeballs with legs looking horrified; can such things be? Especially the chicken! The eyeball, now, that was something to consider as well. "I must still be dreaming," I muttered aloud to no one in particular. I sounded awake but one could never tell for sure if truly dreaming.

Remembering the old Carlos Castaneda books I read back in the 70s gave me an idea, to look and see if I had hands. Before I could deliberately look for my hands though another thought shook me to the core and I felt myself gasp in amazement. If I am dreaming, and if I can see my hands, then it follows that the eyeball is real but from another realm; and it, poor thing, was as startled as I! (Liberality)


As I focused on the hands, I noticed a buzzing f/them. It was the inner body! I continued to just feel the energy in my hands & fingertips. Before I knew it, the eye was standing in front of me, quizzically peering up @ what I was doing. Then it walked forward & curled itself inbetween my big & second toe. Five more minutes went by, & it was now asleep - snoring quietly in this podiatric fleshy bed. I was afraid to move my foot, but still had to clean up the applesauce mess in the kitchen & start the wings cooking.


Unsure of my next move, I slowly shuffled towards the kitchen, careful to not disturb the eye's gentle rest. "What am I going to do? I thought. Suddenly an idea popped into my head. I went to my mini-stereo on the table & fired up the iPod. Browsing thru the songs, I cued Eye of the Tiger to play. Once it began, the eye immediately awoke, startled by the noise. Then, it slowly started swaying to the music back & forth. Within thirty seconds it was full-on air guitar riffing to the song... (John)

This is an installment of Splotchy's Story Meme. According to Splotchy, "Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out." You can read all of the details here.

Okay, who's next? Ang & Chris, you're the lucky victims!

BDIC (meme)

Sorry 4 the belated post, Ang...& yeah, I know I'm a fucking slowpoke.

Alright, five classes I'd like to take if I could create my own curriculum 4 each. Here goes nothing...

1. Surfboard shaping for dummies - This course is designed for kooks wanting to shape without having to practice for years on end going thru the shop rat to sander to finish shaper apprenticeship process. It involves an intensive shaping practicum w/master shapers Jim Phillips, Donald Takayama & Dick Brewer. Students get to keep the finished product f/their final exam: a self-designed noserider glassed w/volan cloth by Shoreline in Hermosa Beach.

2. Schizophrenic cat defense - For those who have the unfortunate scenario of owning or dealing w/a Pet Sematary cast member, this course offers proven techniques for fending off said devil felines. Spray bottles, water guns, loud noises & advanced foot defense theory are all covered. Class materials include one pair of kevlar socks, plastic spray bottle, & koosh balls (distractionary tool). Super soakers also available upon request.

3. Emotional detachment 101 - An introductory course in the art of codependence/soulmate syndrome identification & avoidance. Emotional protection techniques such as mental wall placement, heart strongbox construction (welding exp. necessary) & daily isolation maintenance will be addressed. A special intensive on anger defensive/offensive strategies is also offered as an extra credit opportunity.

4. Life lessons practicum - An AP course designed to promote wisdom in all matters of life & love. Curriculum is individually tailored to fit each student's life path & lessons contracted to be learned along it. Prerequisites for this class include both Life 101 & Emotional Detachment 101 (see above). Note: ego suffering/attachment portfolio is also required for enrollment consideration.

5. Getting Even 101 - Anger management, suburban vigilante-style. Advanced non-lethal revenge techniques are discussed, along w/the basics of evil pranks, setups & booby traps. No remorse is permitted in this course - any students found possessing a sense of regret will be dropped f/the class immediately. Required viewing are Lethal Weapon 1-4, any Arnold Schwarzenegger film released between 1984 & 2003 (except The Jewel of the Nile, Junior, Last Action Hero & Twins), Rambo 1-3 & Missing in Action 1-3.

K, that does it...now guess the only two I can tag w/impunity are Lib & Chris. Remember that one of your courses must be f/my list. Go for it, guys!

Chrysalis

Greetings to all. Please forgive the belated nature of this post - I've been very busy the last 4-5 days planning an escape f/my current locale to points south & west. A recent epiphany was that I cannot stay on Cape all winter, pining over someone I have no chance of being with. My emotional & energetic temperament also both fluctuate on a daily basis. This place is no longer a stable foundation for these changes can occur.

It is time to go.

Am leaving for about six weeks...a month in Florida & then two weeks in California afterwards. There perhaps I can regain some semblance of equilibrium & peace after this unrelenting onslaught of fear has passed. Until such time, I am not safe here.

With all these powerful feelings thundering inside, I don't expect anyone else to understand the depth of change occurring. Hell, I can't even comprehend it. What I can say is an elemental shift in my emotional/energetic system is happening.

I'm transforming into someone completely different. And it scares the fuck out of me.

Voices f/long ago are calling me back to something...I don't yet know what.

AJOC will continue, as my PowerBook is traveling w/me on this extended respite. A heartfelt thanks goes out to the few dedicated souls who continue reading these senile ramblings & musings of a lovestruck crystal-wearing idiot. I deeply appreciate your loyalty & truly value your feedback.

Lib & Ang, apologies for not posting the memes yet. I promise to complete them in the next few days.

That is all.

Clean slate

I need to start over. This path leads to nothing but despair & misery. My lament is complete, & there is still no solace 4 what could have been. This heartache cannot be mended...but will instead be locked away to fester in the catacombs of my mind. There is no hope or expectation anymore - just emptiness where it once dwelled w/in me. And yet I must still ask why did I have to meet her now? Why did this attachment have to form so quickly, & why is she still unavailable to me? This, after we've endured so much together in past lives.

No answer - just silence.

I am utterly spent & will dwell in darkness, never finding such unconditional love again.

Thus begins the long, bitter winter of my discontent.

Requiem

I have traveled a long, lonely road of physcial & emotional attachment to a life story that essentially means nothing. There is no happy ending, no convenient plot wrap-up or magical elixir to appease this deep sense of loss. Having tasted the bliss of a resonance which cannot be duplicated, a love so pure it transcends anything else.

I surrendered everything I was @ once in that state.

Every moment in life led me up to the moment of experiencing it. And everything since has led down a path towards reclaiming its source.

Attachment, detachment, forgiveness & surrender - these are the recurring themes w/in all my life lessons. So intensely I've felt them lately, it seems like I'm running an emotional gauntlet or something. Their purging effects are almost too much to bear. It's a wonder I can even function, considering the sheer volume of elemental emotional & energetic change occurring in such a short time.

Having faced things so far alone, I continue to blindly navigate deep caverns of fear w/no support but my own intuition & dwindling sanity. Any promise of boundless love or wholeness at the end of this dark journey is all but spent. Nothing exists here but icy bitter winds blowing over a forlorn landscape of emptiness & discontent.

Any core beliefs I once protected are also completely gone. There is nothing left but guilt, anger & sorrow. It permeates me like acid eating thru skin, leaving nothing left but a festering mass of energetic cords to be severed @ their emotional roots. That is my cancerous body of attachment. One by one, I continue to identify and cut each cord, leaving none untouched. It's a slow & painstaking process, but necessary for both my survival & spiritual growth.

I feel utterly unqualified to perform such delicate & dangerous vibrational surgery, but there is no other way. Nobody else can.

Wandering in a barren wasteland of lost dreams & forgotten memories, I run barefoot along a trail of razor sharp broken glass. A cold light ever diminishes in the distance, robbing any chance of love or peace...

This all,
to be over.

Silent noise

I wish she knew how I feel. It fucking sucks 4 all those emotions to just go unsaid. She should know...& I should be able tell her. There is no karmic balance here - just quixotically paradoxical circumstances forcing me to quietly scream my feelings instead of clearly voicing them.

Pure, unadulterated bullshit.

That is all.

Losing it

Been working on this post 4 several days, now. Obviously there was too much thought going into it to take that long. Just nuked everything & am now re-writing it from scratch. My fear of loss regarding girl #1 goes back a long way - like several lifetimes long. But the actual fear pattern itself is rooted in the present relationship history, starting about 12 years ago. Then I was dating this man hater named Kristin who basically stole my innocence (second time) & betrayed my trust on all levels. She was a real piece of work, this one.

Kristin & I decided to get engaged after only two months together (massive naïveté @ work there). During our nine months together, we shared every emotion possible f/love to laughter to absolute hatred. She was the most self-absorbed person I've ever known. Her ego was so in love w/itself, I became an afterthought. It's a really bad sign when you're more lonely in a relationship than while single. That's exactly how I felt.

In the end, I ultimately recognized the sheer dysfunction of the whole thing & broke the engagement off.

During that emotional tour of duty, an intrinsic fear of loss was established w/in me. Like if I found someone, I'd lose any future chance of love by letting them go. It was completely irrational & yet very real f/an ego perspective. This also tied in quite nicely w/my then active soulmate complex. A virtual package deal of codependent misery.

Fast forward to 2004, the year I met Jill, my relationship pièce de résistance. She was a friend of my sister, & a raving alcoholic/heroin addict to boot. Now, I had never dealt w/a truly addictive person b4, save Lizzie in a very peripheral way. Jill was cute as hell, very charming & a master manipulator. Reeling me in was like shooting fish in a barrel. Long story short - never knew what the fuck hit me. Suddenly I was an indentured servant, buying her food/cigarettes, transporting her everywhere & acting as her emotional counselor all @ once.

This enabling madness lasted almost two years. Oh, did I also mention the twenty-odd detox drop-offs, three emergency room visits, numerous AA meetings & several court dates we attended together? Notwithstanding four trips to New Bedford & multiple rescues f/a local drug den. It was like I was on COPS or something. Un-fucking-real.

After all the time, money, & emotional/mental energy spent, I was an empty shell. There was nothing left to give, or 4 her to take. I actually ended up leaving the state to escape the whole goddamn thing. Got on a plane & flew to CA for six months, just to regain some sanity.

Words cannot describe what I felt during those 18 months. It was pure emotional torture. However, I cannot place all the blame on Jill for it. I had a choice too & could have left @ any point...but didn't. Why? Because I still feared losing her more than walking away. My downfall was complete.

What I learned f/these relationships were the truly damning emotions heavily ego-bound & addictive people feel. The pain associated w/those feelings based in past memory was so powerful that both Kristin & Jill became essentially prisoners of their own minds. This is an important lesson in Presence.

Now, cue girl #1. Even after all the bullshit I endured previously, there was no warning w/her. She showed up out of nowhere & energetically turned me on my ear. But they'll be no more ego storytelling about her here. She floored me, plain & simple. I immediately fell so deeply in love w/her, it scared the fuck out of me. Instant unrequited love??? WTF are the directions for that recipe - add water & boil?

Then the whole detachment process became an odyssey. I've said this b4 & will say it again: letting her go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. Period. So, the fear of loss issue has finally come to a head: I can either fully release her or remain trapped inside this emotional prison of unrealistic expectation & misery. Obviously, the rational choice is detachment. Ahhh, but not so fast: now the past life component comes into play. Not only am I severing an ego attachment f/this lifetime, I'm also cutting cords f/two past lifetimes.

Holy shit - the solution just presented itself. How the fuck about that.

I knew there was a reason for writing everything out.