Cold fire

Third time starting this post - my head is so full of mucous right now, it's preventing me f/formulating simple sentences (spring cold). Anyway, Just paid into one more month here @ the old homestead so I can actually prepare to move.

It occurs to me recently that I've allowed some people to get too close to me too quickly, & vice versa. I recognize this to be more of a detriment than an asset in terms of relationships (friends or otherwise) & their longterm integrity. To summarize, I'd meet someone & then jump in way over my head w/them personally w/out giving proper time for sheer familiarity.

That gradual informality was sacrificed for a need to be immediately involved w/the innermost workings of their lives. The closest friend status satisfied my ego's need for drama & intimacy. There was no mutual respect built up over an enduring friendship or true trust factor - just a desire to be the one person they'd turn to for help. Codependency @ its finest.

Now this is exposed, & I approach these people w/much trepidation (if @ all). I simply learned too much about them too soon. Thus, I assumed an advanced level of forwardness which could easily overstep acceptable boundaries in the relationship dynamic. Basically, I didn't need to be that close, but suddenly was.

As much for the awkwardness which ensued on their part, I felt the same way...like I didn't deserve to know their secrets (or @ least shouldn't have) so prematurely. Nonetheless, I set myself up for an ugly fall almost every time. Such short intense relationships usually never end well, & these were no different. Whether friendships or more, they typically self-destructed @ some point, burning out f/hidden resentment over time.

Some people just shouldn't become fast friends. Pity we can't learn to pace ourselves before it's too late...

That is all.