Instant karma

Taking stock of my leftover karmic patterns, only two major pieces remain: forgiving Kristin & my unspoken feelings towards girl #1. Both are pretty stubborn, considering the two-plus years of inner work it's taken to finally reach them.

Did a Facebook search last night for some people I haven't seen or spoken w/in a long time. It's been @ least 10 years since I saw any of them (closer to 13 for Kristin). Even tho we've fallen out of touch, most I'd like to contact again in the interest of old camaraderie.

Kristin, however, traditionally falls into another category - those I never want to see again.

In the wake of Lizzie's death, Jill & I actually started talking again...something completely unexpected. Lizzie was a friend of hers, & how I met Jilly in the first place. Anyway, called to tell her the untimely news last week. Jill is currently straight, in a committed relationship & has a baby son. She looks & sounds 100% better than when I last saw her.

Any anger I held towards her is gone now. That relationship was four years & a lifetime ago, emotionally speaking. She's simply making her way thru life, just like the rest of us. Jill is a good person & deserves the benefit of the doubt. We'll talk more, mostly via email b/c she's so busy w/her son.

But I digress. Somehow I found myself typing Kristin's name during that Facebook session last night. Still don't know why, but it happened nevertheless. Low & behold - a childhood pic popped up w/her name in the search results. Seems she's still in Boston (Somerville, I last heard) & has friends in that area.

Suddenly I had this morbid desire to write her, but didn't really want to. It's kinda hard to explain. While I could initiate contact, what difference would it make? She's probably not married (not surprising, considering how much she hates men). Wonder if she has any kids...

Jesus, why should I even fucking care?

We're in two totally different places now. I see no reason to open a dialogue w/her. The conversation would be so veiled & bitter, nothing constructive could come f/it anyways. Simply put, this is not a good idea.

The recent tying up of loose ends was my only motivation to ever consider it in the first place.

Okay, so the anger remains & is slowly dissipating - a work in progress.

Girl #1 is the second issue. Specifically, my unresolved emotions towards her. Now, some believe I shouldn't tell her how I feel @ all. I generally agree w/this sentiment. So, have kept my mouth shut for the last two years. In the meantime, said feelings have festered & effectively blocked me f/meeting anyone else worthwhile - not good.

Please understand: I have no attachment to her & am fully ready to move on. Want unrefutable proof? Here it is: went to the restaurant a few nights ago w/Jared & ate dinner. Yes, she was there. No, I didn't have any kind of energetic or emotional reaction. Said nothing to her, either.

I'm officially over it.

If telling her is the only way to sever our karmic ties, fine - whatever. The whole thing is a bloody nuisance @ this point. Our work together is done. If the Universe says otherwise, then play that out - whatever is necessary. Maybe it doesn't involve telling her. I don't know & frankly don't care anymore.

Cleaning out the emotional catacombs. After clearly stating these intentions, perhaps Life Intelligence will take a hint & follow suit.

That is all.