Ashes to ashes

Ankle deep, I reached into the plastic bag full of Lizzie's remains. Hesitated, then fanned them out over the water, hoping the north wind wouldn't blow any back @ me. My parents & Linus stood on shore, quietly sobbing in grief. This was our closest facsimile to closure, considering the medical examiner still hasn't declared a cause of death.

For the last two weeks, I've actually been okay. For some reason, it didn't hurt so much. Someone mentioned to me the grief comes in two waves. The first hit me immediately after finding out. I suffered intensely those three days, channeling the grief out thru pure physical exertion. Then there was a period of numbness followed by partial acceptance.

By the funeral, I knew it was truly for the best that she died.

Following this, I settled back into a semi-normal routine, probably a coping mechanism in itself. Then, the 'rents called last night around 11PM saying today was the day. I knew it was coming, but had conveniently forgotten anyway. Driving over there, I realized what was about to transpire: I would be casting human dust f/my curly haired little sister into the sea.

Jesus H. Christ

Upon arriving, we all piled into my Dad's Saab 9000 for the three minute trip to the site. Conditions were perfect - clear sunny skies, light NW breeze, outgoing tide and an empty beach. After choosing a suitable spot on the hard sandy shoreline, we all recited a prayer Mom composed (very well-written), & I read the Hopi prayer out loud. Since nobody was around, I then waded out & began scattering Lizzie's ashes in the water. This took almost five solid minutes, as the bag was both full & heavy.

Afterwards, everyone stumbled back to the car & then parted ways @ the house like 15 minutes later. Sensing subtle panic, I realized my need to surf. So, went to the office, picked up a board & headed straight to Coast Guard. Almost three hours later, I was @ home in the shower & suddenly started weeping uncontrollably. All my leftover base grief/anger gushed out like blood f/a mortal wound. Like the previous ones, this was a guttural, primeval release of emotions...unchecked and elementally intense.

There's no easy method for mourning. Sometimes, all you can do is grit your teeth & start moving thru the pain. Fortunately, everyone develops their own unique coping mechanism(s). Mine is going into Nature. Whatever works best, utilize it. Fuck anyone who doesn't approve - they have neither the reason or right to judge you.

Am now operating step by step again, focusing intently on the present moment & not much else. It's amazing how much losing a loved one can promote either complete madness or awareness.

Guess I'm finally @ the point of becoming insanely aware.