Ever get the feeling like you're walking blindfolded in traffic? That's how I feel getting up almost every day since scattering Lizzie's ashes. For some reason, that event set me so far back emotionally, I still haven't been able to catch up. It's not like I didn't try pretending life was normal (when it certainly isn't anymore).
I have this sneaking suspicion something is creeping up on me...which I hate b/c it's almost impossible to identify what. Maybe I've finally cracked under the pressure of such massive internal change. Whatever - it was bound to happen eventually. That, notwithstanding the whole girl #1 scenario, Lizzie dying, potential homelessness, work/money uncertainty, blah blah blah. Everything seems designed to either drive me fucking nuts or instill such Presence that it'll never affect me again.
Have no bloody clue of what I'm doing anymore...am just simply doing it. After running an emotional gauntlet for two straight years, none of this shit really matters now. My sister's death really put things back into crystal clear perspective: life's logistical details mean nothing. What truly matters is your family, friends & time spent w/both.
Fuck money, status, stuff, fake romantic love, etc. It's pretty much a bunch of bullshit & means jack-fucking-squat in the grand scheme.
Upon hitting an emotional wall three weeks ago, my grip on reality was lost for a bit.
After returning to sanity, realized I really could use someone to lean on during trying times. Don't know whether that person even exists or not, tho. Kinda doubt it, @ this point.
All these old karmic ties & patterns are continually being addressed, piece by piece.
Once they're cleared, maybe I'll be able to breathe again.
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