C.O.D.

Found out Lizzie's cause of death last night. Some mighty interesting & fucked up information. Guess it was bound to come out eventually. There isn't much to say other than I'm not surprised. She was a quintessential addict, to the bitter end.

Mind you, I'm not upset by it - just sobered to a great extent.

I remember finally hitting a brick wall w/Jill. After 1.5 yrs of witless enabling, thousands of dollars spent, countless hours of babysitting, 22 detox visits, 4 trips to New Bedford, numerous AA meetings, utter emotional/physical exhaustion & base energetic depletion, I literally had nothing left.

Completely tapped out.

It took all that to realize I couldn't save her. Go fucking figure. Guess the lesson for anyone involved w/an addict (thru friendship, a relationship or family) is to detach as much as possible before it's too late. Also, don't blame yourself for damaging things done w/good intentions. None of us had any bloody clue when signing up for this crap.

Jill has been clean for a while, now. She has a son. Lizzie could never quite get clean. She also had a son. Life circumstances don't always dictate the right choice. It must come f/deep inside & nowhere else.

Lizzie once told my Mom,

"You can't save me. Nobody can."

She was right. The choice was hers & hers alone. I don't know the point of this post, & frankly don't care either. My brain is mush, my body is overtired, & I feel like a goddamn desperate housewife or something.

Totally bizarre.

Where's the plane for Fantasy Island - I'm ready to bail out now. Where's Tattoo, that diminutive exotic motherfucker???

Shit - he died too. Nevermind...