The dream is lost.
The flame, extinguished.
All hope of love & companionship
abandoned in one bitter stroke.
A lonely traveler on this rocky road
littered w/broken glass
Shards of future memories,
already forgotten
There is no solace for my heart
in such a desolate, forbidding place
Distant echoes of emotion
reverberate over moors
of discontent
Warmth, affection & nurturing,
all casualties of this inner war
What's left to give
when everything has already been taken?
Any quiet interest in others
remains hidden
The time will never be right to reveal how I truly feel.
The soft touch of another,
a deep embrace
& gentle kiss
All vain afterthoughts
in this heart's dream
Love is a ghost,
haunting my very shadow
in the cold light of day.
I am truly alone.
1/29/08
1/26/08
COPS
So while I was in FL doing the whole Auntie caretaker thing, would every so often drive over the causeway into a little beach town called Indialantic. There's a nice surf shop there called Longboard House & a break right across A1A. First time I went, had a real nice sesh & then got pulled over on the way home right b4 the causeway starts.
Turns out a license plate frame obscured part of the registration sticker, a very polite officer informed me. Explained to him that I was visiting f/out-of-state & helping my ailing Aunt, which he quickly understood. Five minutes later, I was on my merry way.
Several days go by, drive up to Patricks AFB & surf 2d Light. Also hit Sebastian Inlet afterwards. In my last few days there, I decide to surf the Boardwalk again. Headed down & surfed dumpy N chop 4 like an hour, then lay on the beach a while. Leaving, I get pulled over again by the local yocals. WTF now??
A tall stocky patrolman strolls up to the window asking 4 my license/registration. Oblige, & he informs me they (he & his partner) clocked me doing 28 in a 15mph school zone. Honestly, I didn't even notice the signs 4 it whatsoever. Oh well.
Now, when one officer pulls me over my anxiety level is typically zero. Living on Cape Cod, it's a fact of life - especially during the winter. They're bored out of their fucking skulls & will tag anyone on a whim, half the time 4 no good reason. However, when a second cop is present, I tend to get a bit tense. Not anxious, mind u, just in a heightened state of awareness.
Is everything alright?, he asks. You seem kind of nervous.
Nope, just sitting here, I reply.
Give him the visiting caretaker spiel, & then he walks around the back of the cruiser w/his partner to verify my info thru the computer w/dispatch. Now, what I've noticed in 20 years of driving is the police love to watch u squirm while waiting 4 them. This is why they take extra long checking your info, just to see if you'll somehow react Following suit, it took almost 15 minutes 4 this dynamic duo to run my license, etc.
After that psychological test ended, he came back asking me to exit the vehicle. Did so, & he pointed out all the various signage, & flashing lights 4 said school zone. Duly noted. Then, he asks if he can search the car. Now, in said driving experience, I can't remember once when this ever happened b4. So, knowing my complete innocence, I gave him permission.
He burrows around in the SUV 4 a good 10-15 minutes & comes out bearing a single white pill. One side looks like a vitamin C, so when he asks me, I verify it as that. In my carry-on was a plastic bag full of vitamin C & other supplements brought 4 the trip. Didn't bring the whole bottle to maximize suitcase space & 4 TSA restrictions, as well. Explained this to him, but he flips the pill over stating vitamin C doesn't have a serial # on it (which this one does). Only drugs like oxycodone or percocet have those imprinted on individual tabs.
I then inform him about my Aunt's multiple pain medications, including oxycodone, 4 her hip. Figured it must have fallen out of one of her vials in the car. He's kinda grilling me @ this point, & it quickly becomes annoying. Finally, I'm able to convince him that the pill is not mine.
Afterwards, he let's me go w/out a citation, saying drive safely. Yeah, okay Officer Bob Speed - whatthefuckever.
I'm so over small-town cops w/nothing better to do than harass law-abiding citizens (like Anj & I) over such stupid bullshit, rather than looking 4 bona fide crimes in progress instead. What a fucking waste of the taxpayers' money. I have another story to tell about OPD & its own special brand of community justice, but that remains a topic 4 a future post. Just as a teaser, it involves me being handcuffed to a chair for 15 minutes & a bottle of merlot.
I love the police.
That is all.
Turns out a license plate frame obscured part of the registration sticker, a very polite officer informed me. Explained to him that I was visiting f/out-of-state & helping my ailing Aunt, which he quickly understood. Five minutes later, I was on my merry way.
Several days go by, drive up to Patricks AFB & surf 2d Light. Also hit Sebastian Inlet afterwards. In my last few days there, I decide to surf the Boardwalk again. Headed down & surfed dumpy N chop 4 like an hour, then lay on the beach a while. Leaving, I get pulled over again by the local yocals. WTF now??
A tall stocky patrolman strolls up to the window asking 4 my license/registration. Oblige, & he informs me they (he & his partner) clocked me doing 28 in a 15mph school zone. Honestly, I didn't even notice the signs 4 it whatsoever. Oh well.
Now, when one officer pulls me over my anxiety level is typically zero. Living on Cape Cod, it's a fact of life - especially during the winter. They're bored out of their fucking skulls & will tag anyone on a whim, half the time 4 no good reason. However, when a second cop is present, I tend to get a bit tense. Not anxious, mind u, just in a heightened state of awareness.
Is everything alright?, he asks. You seem kind of nervous.
Nope, just sitting here, I reply.
Give him the visiting caretaker spiel, & then he walks around the back of the cruiser w/his partner to verify my info thru the computer w/dispatch. Now, what I've noticed in 20 years of driving is the police love to watch u squirm while waiting 4 them. This is why they take extra long checking your info, just to see if you'll somehow react Following suit, it took almost 15 minutes 4 this dynamic duo to run my license, etc.
After that psychological test ended, he came back asking me to exit the vehicle. Did so, & he pointed out all the various signage, & flashing lights 4 said school zone. Duly noted. Then, he asks if he can search the car. Now, in said driving experience, I can't remember once when this ever happened b4. So, knowing my complete innocence, I gave him permission.
He burrows around in the SUV 4 a good 10-15 minutes & comes out bearing a single white pill. One side looks like a vitamin C, so when he asks me, I verify it as that. In my carry-on was a plastic bag full of vitamin C & other supplements brought 4 the trip. Didn't bring the whole bottle to maximize suitcase space & 4 TSA restrictions, as well. Explained this to him, but he flips the pill over stating vitamin C doesn't have a serial # on it (which this one does). Only drugs like oxycodone or percocet have those imprinted on individual tabs.
I then inform him about my Aunt's multiple pain medications, including oxycodone, 4 her hip. Figured it must have fallen out of one of her vials in the car. He's kinda grilling me @ this point, & it quickly becomes annoying. Finally, I'm able to convince him that the pill is not mine.
Afterwards, he let's me go w/out a citation, saying drive safely. Yeah, okay Officer Bob Speed - whatthefuckever.
I'm so over small-town cops w/nothing better to do than harass law-abiding citizens (like Anj & I) over such stupid bullshit, rather than looking 4 bona fide crimes in progress instead. What a fucking waste of the taxpayers' money. I have another story to tell about OPD & its own special brand of community justice, but that remains a topic 4 a future post. Just as a teaser, it involves me being handcuffed to a chair for 15 minutes & a bottle of merlot.
I love the police.
That is all.
1/18/08
Discontent
Once upon a time, I believed true love was unrequited - the naïveté of youth @ work. This dream has long since passed out of existence.
The other day, I was sitting in my Aunt's condo & suddenly found myself reciting a certain person's cell # silently while holding the phone.
For some reason, it dialed itself automatically, almost like I knew something was wrong. I wanted to reach out to her, but couldn't. One ring, & I quickly hung up. Luckily I used my Aunt's landline, so that number would appear on caller ID & not mine.
This was not something I planned. In fact, she was the furthest away possible f/my thoughts beforehand.
Shortly after meeting her, I had several dreams where we were together hanging out @ my apt. & in other scenarios. I couldn't explain that, & was frustrated b/c it really had no sound basis. To this day, I still don't know why they happened. It was also b4 any real connection developed between us.
There is no attachment now, save a wistful longing for what could've been. Being completely unattached, I feel empty & stagnant, almost like a rotted tree stump slowly deteriorating in the forest.
While interested in a few people, I'm unable to address them just yet.
Fuck. My heart is opening up involuntarily again, & it sucks. What can be done to balance out such base vulnerability? Maybe a massive influx of unconditional love would break down these walls I've so heavily fortified. Truth is, I'm still emotionally raw f/her.
A leather-thick callous of indifference is my first line of defense against falling for someone else. Then comes the undercurrent of fear cleverly disguised as sarcasm & righteous judgment. Finally, the victim clause: I've been so viscerally wounded that nobody else is granted access to hurt me again.
These are carefully placed countermeasures to prevent emotional attachment. They're typically very effective, but not foolproof.
I am dissatisfied w/the current state of loneliness & ambivalence. It's been the rule 4 far too long. Even tho she may have been the zenith of my relationship potential, I can't just resign myself to languish in a constant cycle of either lackluster comparison or no-compromise solitude. This is unfair to both myself & anyone I meet after the fact.
Now comes the cancellation statement: realizing I probably won't peak anyone else's interest, there are no expectations of those who've peaked mine. Thus, they remain figments of my romantic imagination. No illusions or hidden hopes exist here.
My bitterness is all that remains.
The other day, I was sitting in my Aunt's condo & suddenly found myself reciting a certain person's cell # silently while holding the phone.
For some reason, it dialed itself automatically, almost like I knew something was wrong. I wanted to reach out to her, but couldn't. One ring, & I quickly hung up. Luckily I used my Aunt's landline, so that number would appear on caller ID & not mine.
This was not something I planned. In fact, she was the furthest away possible f/my thoughts beforehand.
Shortly after meeting her, I had several dreams where we were together hanging out @ my apt. & in other scenarios. I couldn't explain that, & was frustrated b/c it really had no sound basis. To this day, I still don't know why they happened. It was also b4 any real connection developed between us.
There is no attachment now, save a wistful longing for what could've been. Being completely unattached, I feel empty & stagnant, almost like a rotted tree stump slowly deteriorating in the forest.
While interested in a few people, I'm unable to address them just yet.
Fuck. My heart is opening up involuntarily again, & it sucks. What can be done to balance out such base vulnerability? Maybe a massive influx of unconditional love would break down these walls I've so heavily fortified. Truth is, I'm still emotionally raw f/her.
A leather-thick callous of indifference is my first line of defense against falling for someone else. Then comes the undercurrent of fear cleverly disguised as sarcasm & righteous judgment. Finally, the victim clause: I've been so viscerally wounded that nobody else is granted access to hurt me again.
These are carefully placed countermeasures to prevent emotional attachment. They're typically very effective, but not foolproof.
I am dissatisfied w/the current state of loneliness & ambivalence. It's been the rule 4 far too long. Even tho she may have been the zenith of my relationship potential, I can't just resign myself to languish in a constant cycle of either lackluster comparison or no-compromise solitude. This is unfair to both myself & anyone I meet after the fact.
Now comes the cancellation statement: realizing I probably won't peak anyone else's interest, there are no expectations of those who've peaked mine. Thus, they remain figments of my romantic imagination. No illusions or hidden hopes exist here.
My bitterness is all that remains.
1/14/08
Prince or pauper?
Am currently staying in FL, condo-sitting 4 my Aunt while she recovers f/a hip operation.
Meanwhile, just discovered the clutch in my Corolla wgn is going (according to a very reliable friend) - certainly not something I wanted, but evidently Life Intelligence feels it's necessary right now. Of course I basically have no money, as all my funds were tapped out f/xmas & paying 4 this trip. CA may just have to wait...
C'est la ger - everything is par 4 the course by now. Am so used to shit going wrong recently, I often wonder if it'll ever go right again. Seems like the karmic pendulum has swung so far to one side, it's about to break clean off.
Life has been engineered to either grind me down to a fine powder or else purge all excess emotional baggage out of my system. I honestly don't know which could happen. One thing's 4 sure: not much fazes me anymore these days.
I have 2 grand in bills to pay, & not nearly enough money to do it. No solutions exist 4 this w/in the thinking mind...
Scarcity & lack have been major issues 4 me since high school. For some reason, I could never keep money in the bank. Always ended up a little short, no matter what the scenario. Then college came along, & it got worse. Somehow, I slipped into a permanent poor student's mindset.
Two things:
1. I must make more money.
2. I fully deserve it. Period.
In the past, there was an subconscious element of unworthiness which dominated my financial landscape for years. I just automatically acquiesced to ego-imposed poverty, w/out question.
This is unacceptable.
I'm over being a pauper @ the whim of a controlling, manipulative child - fuck that. I never truly earned such a punishment. It was administered w/impunity by an imaginary judge full of nihilistic fear. Ego is not my fiscal executioner. Furthermore, I won't let it pass judgment on me any longer.
Now is the time to claim the abundance I've always been entitled to.
As far as the current scenario goes, I see Aunt Hazel & the excruciating pain she had to endure during/after surgery. This provides ultimate perspective regarding my life situation. She already had back surgery earlier last year, then the hip replacement on Dec. 14th. Yesterday, they had 2 remove it b/c of complications f/a staph infection. Then, they'll go back in again & replace it w/another prosthetic.
I've got absolutely nothing to complain about.
Time to go visit her & bring by lunch. More later...
Meanwhile, just discovered the clutch in my Corolla wgn is going (according to a very reliable friend) - certainly not something I wanted, but evidently Life Intelligence feels it's necessary right now. Of course I basically have no money, as all my funds were tapped out f/xmas & paying 4 this trip. CA may just have to wait...
C'est la ger - everything is par 4 the course by now. Am so used to shit going wrong recently, I often wonder if it'll ever go right again. Seems like the karmic pendulum has swung so far to one side, it's about to break clean off.
Life has been engineered to either grind me down to a fine powder or else purge all excess emotional baggage out of my system. I honestly don't know which could happen. One thing's 4 sure: not much fazes me anymore these days.
I have 2 grand in bills to pay, & not nearly enough money to do it. No solutions exist 4 this w/in the thinking mind...
Scarcity & lack have been major issues 4 me since high school. For some reason, I could never keep money in the bank. Always ended up a little short, no matter what the scenario. Then college came along, & it got worse. Somehow, I slipped into a permanent poor student's mindset.
Two things:
1. I must make more money.
2. I fully deserve it. Period.
In the past, there was an subconscious element of unworthiness which dominated my financial landscape for years. I just automatically acquiesced to ego-imposed poverty, w/out question.
This is unacceptable.
I'm over being a pauper @ the whim of a controlling, manipulative child - fuck that. I never truly earned such a punishment. It was administered w/impunity by an imaginary judge full of nihilistic fear. Ego is not my fiscal executioner. Furthermore, I won't let it pass judgment on me any longer.
Now is the time to claim the abundance I've always been entitled to.
As far as the current scenario goes, I see Aunt Hazel & the excruciating pain she had to endure during/after surgery. This provides ultimate perspective regarding my life situation. She already had back surgery earlier last year, then the hip replacement on Dec. 14th. Yesterday, they had 2 remove it b/c of complications f/a staph infection. Then, they'll go back in again & replace it w/another prosthetic.
I've got absolutely nothing to complain about.
Time to go visit her & bring by lunch. More later...
1/5/08
Wholeness
Sitting here, I'm reminded of my own ego-addictive self & its greatest vice: a lack of wholeness. Ever since childhood, I've felt a void inside. Consequently, this prompted a lifelong search for someone to fill it. Who, of course, doesn’t truly exist. She is a figment of my imagination – a thought form brought to life thru intense ego energy & focus.
No greater threat exists to my well-being. Hyperfocused, I compromised my own health, safety & financial salience just to perpetuate its existence. Jill is a perfect example. She was needy, just like me. We also had an extensive past-life history together, precipitating a solid present-life connection as far as ego is concerned. I never planned on becoming so deeply involved w/her. It just happened on its own.
I must accept all resistance to Being within the my whole self. It's central to this entire experience. The disconnection f/Source is a deeply conditioned part of my ego’s basic programming. It controlled me for years thru a fear of self-inadequacy sans any purpose or an external future goal attached to that purpose. Whether I was finding a soulmate, discovering my path of service, whatever – everything resonated w/a lack of full self identity in form, which cannot happen b/c physical life is temporary. Forms don't last.
This returns me to the awareness of my own fleeting ego-identified self. Stillness is the key to spiritual freedom.
I must return to it once again.
No greater threat exists to my well-being. Hyperfocused, I compromised my own health, safety & financial salience just to perpetuate its existence. Jill is a perfect example. She was needy, just like me. We also had an extensive past-life history together, precipitating a solid present-life connection as far as ego is concerned. I never planned on becoming so deeply involved w/her. It just happened on its own.
I must accept all resistance to Being within the my whole self. It's central to this entire experience. The disconnection f/Source is a deeply conditioned part of my ego’s basic programming. It controlled me for years thru a fear of self-inadequacy sans any purpose or an external future goal attached to that purpose. Whether I was finding a soulmate, discovering my path of service, whatever – everything resonated w/a lack of full self identity in form, which cannot happen b/c physical life is temporary. Forms don't last.
This returns me to the awareness of my own fleeting ego-identified self. Stillness is the key to spiritual freedom.
I must return to it once again.
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