Cardboard mansion

Been looking @ apartments over the last 3.5 weeks, now. The trend is that people want $650 - 1000 for places which really aren't worth this much. It's funny to see how much they trump a place over the phone, & then how unimpressive the space is in person.

One classic example is a 2BR cottage near the coffee shop where I hang out. Went to look there the other day after hearing how nice & renovated it was according to the owner, a chainsmoking overweight woman w/bleached blond butch hair & a braided pigtail on one side (no lie). This place was a dump. Their backyard was full of trash & misc. paraphernalia, an outside waterstained hot tub, & the unit itself.

Probably built in the '70s, the cottage was a mishmash of interior styles cobbled in a hurry to "renovate" in years past before each season started. Every successive eyesore was built to hide damage left by the previous tenants - pretty bad. You also know it's a no-win situation when the bedroom doors have locks on them to keep roommates f/stealing your stuff.

Anyway, the lady wanted $560/mo per room in this white trash palace. So, for $1120 a month, you could live w/someone you probably never even wanted to know in a setting which could best be described as Alabama NASCAR fans meets trailer park meets COPS set on a rundown Cape Cod property destined for the bulldozer.

Suffice it to say I didn't call them back. Have two places in mind right now, but they're both @ least $150 more than what I'm paying now. This is gonna hurt the bank account, I fear. One apt. is attached to a house which is going on the market in about 2 weeks. The other is a nice studio setup, but $200 more than my current rent. I'm kinda in a quandary about how to proceed.

The real estate market here sucks right now, so could possibly stay in that one place for a while (if it doesn't sell in Sept. after the owner moves to FL). The other place isn't going anywhere, but I don't know how the hell I can afford a $200 increase in monthly expenses. This is like adding a car payment to the $700 in monthly bills I already pay.

Whatever the case, I need to decide something in the next 2-3 days. The choice is either to pay into my current place one more month or put that money towards a new apt., also effectively going into hoc w/my boss to cover the rest. Maybe something more reasonable will show up, but I can't expect this. Plus, the rental market pretty much dries up after about mid-April w/summer kids returning to work.

What I now realize is that it's getting harder & harder to survive here financially. If nothing else, the pure economics of the place alone may force me out whether I want to stay or not.

That is all.

Blah blah blah

Still don't have much to say...recently remembered that less is more when it comes to truly elegant writing. Brevity is key, & I'm now moving out of the guttural rant phase. Anyway, it's getting down to the wire for finding an apartment...have less than a week until April 1 & no solid offers yet. I'm not really worried, tho - something will materialize.

Been mainly focusing on biz development for Crystal Guidance lately. This was something I avoided like the plague w/SDT b/c of the whole selling myself aspect. It's just not my bag. But CG is different. There's a true sense of authenticity here which was missing f/the consulting gig - maybe b/c I'm actually meant to do it. Anyway, have a list of about 25 places for distributing cards/brochures, & am developing a partnership w/a local massage studio to boot.

We'll see how everything goes...

BTW, it's nice to finally have some closure.

That is all.

MOFW Dept.

Not much to say today. Just wanted to express gratitude for the many gifts I continually receive in this moment. Happy Easter to all.

Departure, part II

Got my passport photos yesterday. Been making much noise about moving away, & am finally taking steps to follow thru if the circumstances demand it. I'm giving the Cape until fall to yield some kind of quantifiable improvement in my life situation, financially & otherwise. If nothing changes by then, I'm basically gone. Have wasted enough time waiting around for shit to happen which never will.

Don't get me wrong, this place isn't all bad...although I was def. over it w/the last post. Nevertheless, there are good people here, & they would be sorely missed. Have lived in New England for so goddamn long tho, it feels like I'm turning into one of those puritanical hardasses I always loathed - not good.

When you approach life f/a perspective of no expectation & everyone comes back @ you w/nothing but that, it eventually gets frustrating. Hence, my beef w/society in general these days. People are selfish as fuck & always will be while under ego control. My perceptions have changed so much over the last two years, I now see everything & just want to puke.

Please don't misunderstand - this isn't a head trip...I'm just as guilty @ times. My episodes are just less frequent than before. This is a species-wide epidemic of egocentrism, people. We're getting entirely too arrogant for our own good. It could easily kill the planet in the process, as well. Whatever...serves us right for imagining that we're the superior beings - what a pile of shit.

Anyway, we'll see what happens over the next 6-8 months. Perhaps things may change for the better.

If not, time to leave.

Self Excavation

We all pretend
to not care

Like it doesn't matter

But it does.

The facade of indifference,
our thinly veiled
emotional defense

Feigned ignorance
may appease the mind
but not the heart

There is no escape
from base feelings
and their impact

Relationships end,
running their course,
but the backlash
remains

No one is totally immune

Nobody.

Each time we let go,
that hole inside us
grows a little bigger
Its inner echo,
a little louder

Until the noise
becomes deafening

But don't
let it bother you -
It doesn't bother me.

Reflection

girl before the mirror
appraises her disguise
child become a mother
tries to fix her eyes
no more of his excuses
it has to be today
she can keep her fantasy
if she can get away

paint her name on a one-way street
painted cheeks with angry heat
wounded pride on painted eyes
paint the night with battlecries

all puffed up with vanity
we see what we want to see
to the beautiful and the wise
the mirror always lies

boy before the mirror
checks his camouflage
polishes his armor
and the charger in the garage
no more lame excuses
it has to be tonight
he can take the princess
if he can take the fight

pound the drums with martial beat
pound the streets with marching feet
wounded pride, distorted eyes
paint the night with battlecries

all puffed up with vanity
we see what we want to see
to the powerful and the wise
the mirror always lies

boys and girls together
mistake conceit for pride
ambition for illusion
dreams for self-delusion
girls and boys together
see what it is we lack
boys and girls together
let's paint the mirror black
paint it black

Medal of dishonor

Been whining about reciprocation for a while, now. Certainly can't expect full emotional support f/everyone I've ever loved - that's unrealistic & selfish to boot. Where did this stupid entitlement issue come from, anyway? It's caused the lion's share of anger & regret throughout my short relationship history. No coincidence, considering I always had expectation carefully disguised as unconditional love going into them.

Even a savior needs something in return, right?

What an egocentric pile of horseshit.

If I was truly selfless, there'd be no emotional backlash @ all. No grudge, no anger - nothing. Either way, Jill & Kristin could never have effectively reciprocated. They were both way too lost inside their own respective dysfunction. I basically chose the most hurting units possible to help, setting myself up for codependent failure each time.

Talk about self sabotage.

I deserve nothing. The idealized emotional prize I supposedly earned was never mine to demand. It was simply an imaginary reward invented to perpetuate ego manipulation. Nobody owes me for investing myself in them, emotionally or otherwise.

Then there's girl #1. Am I finally detached f/her? Yes, but was I detached f/the process of detaching f/her? Don't laugh - as usual, I turned it into an ego story. The soap opera of my continuing painful separation saga, complete w/episode guides for every installment (see 3/4 of AJOC's 2007 blog archives).

This shit is fucking ridiculous.

But wait, there's more: a bonus spin-off series based on passing thru my own emotional darkness of sexual abuse PTSD & codependent emotional shrapnel (plus leftover past life/girl #1 grief). Kinda like 90210 yields Melrose Place yields the Vietnam War.

Yes, kids...ego drama self-propagates exponentially. Question is, does it ever end?

Everything stops when I recognize how utterly useless it is - not as much an epiphany as a hard slap to my own head.

Consider this my dishonorable discharge f/codependent emotional prison.

That is all.

Of bearded women, eco-politics & feminism

So in my continuing hunt for a new place, received a VM f/this woman about an apt. in Brewster. After playing phone tag 4 several days, we finally connected yesterday afternoon. Went over to check it out shortly afterwards. Pulling into the drive, everything seemed fairly normal @ first. I wandered around the property for a few minutes looking for her. Suddenly heard a distinctively female voice call out.

Looked up ahead & saw a person pushing a wheelbarrow headed towards me. Walking up to her, I suddenly noticed something unusual: facial hair. Chick had a full-on goatee going. She was prolly 5'5", stocky & dressed like a landscaper. I was officially being interviewed for this rental by a bearded lady. Not only did she sport the Jack Sparrow signature soul patch, she then began grilling me about eco-this & green-that. Somewhere in there she also mentioned feminism, asking if I subscribed it.

Welll sure, I answered, - am all for women's rights & such. She basically wanted 2 know if I was an activist of any type. Yeah, I kinda do my own thing & keep out of politics & other issues beyond voting my conscious. What I quickly realized was that she's a GLB pride Lesbian eco-feminist, which is perfectly fine - shit, my sister's gay...have absolutely no issues w/it.

The overall impression I got was that whoever moved into this place (a kinda unfinished basement), would be subject to her militant eco-friendly political dogma @ all times - especially a man. I'd be under a microscope living there. There's no way I could deal w/such blatant ideology being imposed on me every day.

So, thanked her for her time & went on my merry way (prolly left a patch leaving the driveway & didn't even realize), never to return.

This housing search is gonna be interesting...

Open Secrets

It went right by me -
At the time it went over my head
I was looking out the window
I should have looked
At your face instead

It went right by me -
Just another wall
There should have been a moment
When we let our barriers fall
I never meant
What you're thinking -
That is not what I meant at all...

Well I guess we all
Have these feelings
We can't leave unreconciled
Some of them burned on our ceilings
Some of them learned as a child

The things that we're concealing
Will never let us grow
Time will do its healing
You've got to let it go

I find no absolution
In my rational point of view
Maybe some things are instinctive
But there's one thing you could do
You could try to understand me -
I could try to understand you...

Stone & Ash

Who pays
attention?
Who really cares?

No response -
just blank,
empty stares.

I've passed through
an abyss
of guilt, remorse
and hate

It never mattered.

All this change,
all these years.

So much punishment
driven by fear

Silently screaming,
I stand on a cliff

Ready to step
into this purifying fire

All my hopes
and dreams,
now utterly gone

Purging flames
burn away skin and bone
leaving nothing but
spirit.

To dwell alone
in caverns
of uncertainty.

Where I have traveled
none can follow

Days carved of stone
Nights veiled in sorrow.

I am finally done.

Departure

The longer I stay here, the more I realize how much people really just don't care anymore. I've seen soo much fall by the wayside in friends' lives that nobody even gave a second thought to offer condolences or support for. Cape Cod is such a selfish fucking place, it's amazing. I now realize that I'm almost ready to leave here for good.

Why struggle just to survive in a place that breeds unfriendliness & sucks your wallet/bank account dry? Why scrape along in some half-assed fashion just to survive - b/c you feel obligated to an aging family? Bullshit. They're just fine w/out me, & I know it. Besides, what practical help have I ever offered them before to really be useful?

Just realized this AM that I've been languishing here for the last 3 years, ever since getting back f/SF. The fucking place is sucking me dry - financially, emotionally & logistically. It's a joke. Why perpetuate a losing scenario? There's no reason to stay. Most of my friends here are acquaintances. They don't give a shit about me, really.

They're too busy being wrapped up in their own existences to look up for five minutes & pay attention to what's happenening right in front of them. Can you see that this slowly eroding sandbar is turning into an economic shitter?? There's no point in living such a pauper-local-connection-barely-subsisting existence anymore - so totally killed.

Fuck it - I'm out.

Deja Vu

Last Sunday, I got a knock @ the door around noontime. It was my landlord, delivering some rather unceremonious news: her daughter is planning to move back home on June 1 & wants the apt. Therefore, I now have 2.5 months to find a new place. Sooo, off I went to the office in a flurry of activity printing up pull-tab flyers & making phone calls. A few days later my sister sent me a Facebook message saying she has a friend living somewhere nearby & knew of another open unit in the same zone.

So, tonight I drove over to check the place out. Upon pulling into the lot, I felt a pit in my stomach. This was the same exact apt. I used to rescue Jill f/all the time back in '04/05. Place was a serious drug den, complete w/angry blackout drunk who rented there & various other denizens who regularly visited. I stood in the middle of this bldg. about an hour ago w/chills going down my spine. I had to get the fuck out of there ASAP. That shit hit waaay too close to home.

Back in the day, I prolly picked Jill up f/there like 6 or 8 times - maybe more. She once called me in a panic b/c the angry drunk started threatening her. Actually listened to him start assaulting her over the phone. Of course I immediately called the cops. This is the type of crap I was mixed up in. Had no fucking business being there, much less in New Bedford four times to bail her out of another similar scenario either. Drugs, guns & me - the Crystal Therapist? WTF???

Long story short, tonight scared me shitless. Talk about PTSD...

Suffice it to say I won't likely move into the apt. across the way. Such a total buzzkill.

And people wonder why I hid f/relationships for so long after Jill. She was like five years' worth of drama crammed into a year & a half. Don't need anymore, thank you. I'm all set.

Word to the wise: don't ever get involved w/an actively using addict - just don't.

That is all.

Vultures, addendum

Post-Expo summary: mentally/physically exhausted, overworked & under appreciated. Forgotten how much of a fucking drag tradeshows are...last one I did was in '06. Anyway, there was some genuine interest, but not enough to make the lack of profit worth my initial investment. It was good to get some (very small) public exposure, but no more than that.

Lesson learned - get your own booth & sell stones...fuck the freebie therapeutic sample bullshit. Tradeshow attendees are like vultures: they'll keep circling around & taking advantage of free stuff. No appreciation for your efforts whatsoever. Fuckers.

It's highly unlikely I'll ever do one of these again. They're way the fuck overrated.

Okay, I'm finally done - gonna go shave & then greet the world or whatever.

Vultures

So I did the Expo today, having put much time, energy & funds into my presence there. Now, there was a controversy about people charging for services last year, so decided to do a suggested $20 donation instead of outright payment. This seemed to work for the first two clients, who gladly paid for services rendered (kudos 2 them). However, that's where the generosity ended. The next five people didn't donate - not one dime. What I quickly realized is that if you give people an inch, they'll take a fucking mile.

The whole give and ye shall receive axiom has officially been refuted - once & for all. These motherfuckers just figured they'd let the next person pay. Now, I've been volunteering my time free to friends & family for prolly 10 months - something I wanted to do. Am all about pro bono when it's appropriate. What pisses me off to no end is when you put forth precious time & energy only to get nothing back. Idiots wouldn't know a gift horse if it bit them in the fucking ass.

What this taught me ( a valuable lesson, BTW) is that you must expect something for your efforts. I approach most everything f/the position of gratitude & no expectation. Now I know people will totally take advantage & give nothing in return for anything offered. Our society is so based in ego selfishness & personal gain, it makes me fucking sick. WTF does it take for an honorable exchange to occur between practitioner & client? My newly revised sign demanding payment for services rendered. A sad commentary, to say the least.

Of course there's also the pragmatic you-should-have-known-people-will-take-advantage-how-could-you-be-so-naive contingency who would chide me for such ignorance. Do yourself a favor & fuck off if you think I care about this, b/c I don't.

Valuable lesson aside, it just plain sucks to feel like I've been disrespected thru a lack of even minimal gratuity for my efforts. Maybe if you gave head or ate them out it might make a difference - yeah, that's totally worth the twenty bucks. Whatever...a moot point anyways. They don't care, & I'm (not really) over it.

Somehow I still always end up giving myself away w/no equal reciprocation - same scenario, different circumstances. Why is that????

Guess it was bound to happen no matter what. Once again, I can't expect anything in return 4 an honest investment, emotional or otherwise. Everyone just fucking takes, takes, takes.

Until there's nothing left to give - or receive.

End of self-righteous borderline rant.

Expo bound

Headed over to the CC Whole Health Expo today (was setting up last night until like 10PM). Somehow thru all this tradeshow-related madness, I got a fucking cold (it's been @ least a year since the last). Feel okay, tho...just a bit congested. Anyway, we'll see if all the work pays off or not over the next two days.

More to report later...

That is all.

Journey

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongues of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Well, yes I'm still running

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for

Paraphrased, but close enough.

The rocky path beckons yet again...