Almost stepped into one the last few days...courtesy of the ego. This is not happening on my watch. Karma? I'm not forcing that, either - it'll present itself if need be. Otherwise, am just going w/the flow & observing everything.
We'll see where it takes me.
That is all.
4/30/08
4/29/08
Dust in the wind
This week we plan to scatter Lizzie's ashes. While the ME still hasn't declared a cause of death, this is our one tangible act of final closure on the whole ordeal. My parents originally wanted to bury her in the church garden so she could be nearby them @ work. I strongly disagreed, suggesting her ashes instead be released @ an open, natural location.
They eventually agreed, & it was settled to scatter them @ a local beach where she loved to walk w/Kaleb.
The ashes, of course, don't really represent her - they're just detritus leftover f/her physical form.
A few weeks ago, I watched a movie called Elizabethtown. Ironically, we saw it almost right after the funeral (then there's the title too). The premise is that a son (Orlando Bloom) travels to Elizabethtown, KY to collect his father's remains & bring them to Oregon.
A running debate exists on whether he should be cremated or not, & this eventually happens. While the film is pretty convoluted & hard to follow, its theme was undeniably familiar. We knew Lizzie was going to be cremated, but couldn't agree on how to deal w/the remains afterwards. My sister had this idea of everyone getting portions of the ashes & wading out into Cape Cod Bay @ the beach to let them go wearing (my) wetsuits.
This was, by far, the most complicated & useless way to address a truly simple act.
Kate was always one to want her way, but now circumstances dictated otherwise. She had to return home before the cremation could even happen. That made things a hell of a lot easier, f/my perspective. No offense to her, but my older younger sister can be a stubborn PITA sometimes. I still love her, tho.
So, we must choose a convenient day & time (when it isn't pouring out) to let Lizzie's dust fly into the wind. I don't know how everyone will react during said event, but it's more of a celebration to me than anything else. She's free f/form - no more dense physical boundaries or ego identity to deal with. I've longed for that ever since incarnating here again.
I'm over this multiple lifetimes shit.
Anyway, it'll definitely be hard on Mom & (especially) Dad. His anger towards Lizzie for allowing herself to deteriorate into such a languished state runs deep. That's his burden to bear until forgiveness is eventually reached. He's working on it, tho...every day.
We all are, in some way.
And will be for a while.
They eventually agreed, & it was settled to scatter them @ a local beach where she loved to walk w/Kaleb.
The ashes, of course, don't really represent her - they're just detritus leftover f/her physical form.
A few weeks ago, I watched a movie called Elizabethtown. Ironically, we saw it almost right after the funeral (then there's the title too). The premise is that a son (Orlando Bloom) travels to Elizabethtown, KY to collect his father's remains & bring them to Oregon.
A running debate exists on whether he should be cremated or not, & this eventually happens. While the film is pretty convoluted & hard to follow, its theme was undeniably familiar. We knew Lizzie was going to be cremated, but couldn't agree on how to deal w/the remains afterwards. My sister had this idea of everyone getting portions of the ashes & wading out into Cape Cod Bay @ the beach to let them go wearing (my) wetsuits.
This was, by far, the most complicated & useless way to address a truly simple act.
Kate was always one to want her way, but now circumstances dictated otherwise. She had to return home before the cremation could even happen. That made things a hell of a lot easier, f/my perspective. No offense to her, but my older younger sister can be a stubborn PITA sometimes. I still love her, tho.
So, we must choose a convenient day & time (when it isn't pouring out) to let Lizzie's dust fly into the wind. I don't know how everyone will react during said event, but it's more of a celebration to me than anything else. She's free f/form - no more dense physical boundaries or ego identity to deal with. I've longed for that ever since incarnating here again.
I'm over this multiple lifetimes shit.
Anyway, it'll definitely be hard on Mom & (especially) Dad. His anger towards Lizzie for allowing herself to deteriorate into such a languished state runs deep. That's his burden to bear until forgiveness is eventually reached. He's working on it, tho...every day.
We all are, in some way.
And will be for a while.
4/26/08
Instant karma
Taking stock of my leftover karmic patterns, only two major pieces remain: forgiving Kristin & my unspoken feelings towards girl #1. Both are pretty stubborn, considering the two-plus years of inner work it's taken to finally reach them.
Did a Facebook search last night for some people I haven't seen or spoken w/in a long time. It's been @ least 10 years since I saw any of them (closer to 13 for Kristin). Even tho we've fallen out of touch, most I'd like to contact again in the interest of old camaraderie.
Kristin, however, traditionally falls into another category - those I never want to see again.
In the wake of Lizzie's death, Jill & I actually started talking again...something completely unexpected. Lizzie was a friend of hers, & how I met Jilly in the first place. Anyway, called to tell her the untimely news last week. Jill is currently straight, in a committed relationship & has a baby son. She looks & sounds 100% better than when I last saw her.
Any anger I held towards her is gone now. That relationship was four years & a lifetime ago, emotionally speaking. She's simply making her way thru life, just like the rest of us. Jill is a good person & deserves the benefit of the doubt. We'll talk more, mostly via email b/c she's so busy w/her son.
But I digress. Somehow I found myself typing Kristin's name during that Facebook session last night. Still don't know why, but it happened nevertheless. Low & behold - a childhood pic popped up w/her name in the search results. Seems she's still in Boston (Somerville, I last heard) & has friends in that area.
Suddenly I had this morbid desire to write her, but didn't really want to. It's kinda hard to explain. While I could initiate contact, what difference would it make? She's probably not married (not surprising, considering how much she hates men). Wonder if she has any kids...
Jesus, why should I even fucking care?
We're in two totally different places now. I see no reason to open a dialogue w/her. The conversation would be so veiled & bitter, nothing constructive could come f/it anyways. Simply put, this is not a good idea.
The recent tying up of loose ends was my only motivation to ever consider it in the first place.
Okay, so the anger remains & is slowly dissipating - a work in progress.
Girl #1 is the second issue. Specifically, my unresolved emotions towards her. Now, some believe I shouldn't tell her how I feel @ all. I generally agree w/this sentiment. So, have kept my mouth shut for the last two years. In the meantime, said feelings have festered & effectively blocked me f/meeting anyone else worthwhile - not good.
Please understand: I have no attachment to her & am fully ready to move on. Want unrefutable proof? Here it is: went to the restaurant a few nights ago w/Jared & ate dinner. Yes, she was there. No, I didn't have any kind of energetic or emotional reaction. Said nothing to her, either.
I'm officially over it.
If telling her is the only way to sever our karmic ties, fine - whatever. The whole thing is a bloody nuisance @ this point. Our work together is done. If the Universe says otherwise, then play that out - whatever is necessary. Maybe it doesn't involve telling her. I don't know & frankly don't care anymore.
Cleaning out the emotional catacombs. After clearly stating these intentions, perhaps Life Intelligence will take a hint & follow suit.
That is all.
Did a Facebook search last night for some people I haven't seen or spoken w/in a long time. It's been @ least 10 years since I saw any of them (closer to 13 for Kristin). Even tho we've fallen out of touch, most I'd like to contact again in the interest of old camaraderie.
Kristin, however, traditionally falls into another category - those I never want to see again.
In the wake of Lizzie's death, Jill & I actually started talking again...something completely unexpected. Lizzie was a friend of hers, & how I met Jilly in the first place. Anyway, called to tell her the untimely news last week. Jill is currently straight, in a committed relationship & has a baby son. She looks & sounds 100% better than when I last saw her.
Any anger I held towards her is gone now. That relationship was four years & a lifetime ago, emotionally speaking. She's simply making her way thru life, just like the rest of us. Jill is a good person & deserves the benefit of the doubt. We'll talk more, mostly via email b/c she's so busy w/her son.
But I digress. Somehow I found myself typing Kristin's name during that Facebook session last night. Still don't know why, but it happened nevertheless. Low & behold - a childhood pic popped up w/her name in the search results. Seems she's still in Boston (Somerville, I last heard) & has friends in that area.
Suddenly I had this morbid desire to write her, but didn't really want to. It's kinda hard to explain. While I could initiate contact, what difference would it make? She's probably not married (not surprising, considering how much she hates men). Wonder if she has any kids...
Jesus, why should I even fucking care?
We're in two totally different places now. I see no reason to open a dialogue w/her. The conversation would be so veiled & bitter, nothing constructive could come f/it anyways. Simply put, this is not a good idea.
The recent tying up of loose ends was my only motivation to ever consider it in the first place.
Okay, so the anger remains & is slowly dissipating - a work in progress.
Girl #1 is the second issue. Specifically, my unresolved emotions towards her. Now, some believe I shouldn't tell her how I feel @ all. I generally agree w/this sentiment. So, have kept my mouth shut for the last two years. In the meantime, said feelings have festered & effectively blocked me f/meeting anyone else worthwhile - not good.
Please understand: I have no attachment to her & am fully ready to move on. Want unrefutable proof? Here it is: went to the restaurant a few nights ago w/Jared & ate dinner. Yes, she was there. No, I didn't have any kind of energetic or emotional reaction. Said nothing to her, either.
I'm officially over it.
If telling her is the only way to sever our karmic ties, fine - whatever. The whole thing is a bloody nuisance @ this point. Our work together is done. If the Universe says otherwise, then play that out - whatever is necessary. Maybe it doesn't involve telling her. I don't know & frankly don't care anymore.
Cleaning out the emotional catacombs. After clearly stating these intentions, perhaps Life Intelligence will take a hint & follow suit.
That is all.
4/25/08
Resurrection
Death and Life
Joy and Strife
These conditions,
juxtaposed
like darkness
and light
Opposite ends
of the same spectrum
I have now
experienced both.
Passing thru fire
into the abyss
of my deepest fear
No comfort exists
in traveling alone
thru such pain
and turmoil
Detach
Process
Release
then repeat.
This has been
my life pattern
for two years now
No comfort
or intimate consolation
Empty bed
Empty heart
Empty soul
Waiting to be filled
with unconditional
love and grace
Yearning for
her soft golden face
I lament the dead
and curse the living
in the same breath
My sister is gone
My spirit, forlorn
But even in
the face of death
life is renewed,
reborn
A shining child,
playful and
quick
Precious gift
in exchange
for freedom
from this mortal coil
And its relentless
anguish,
misery and toil
I feel her hand
on my shoulder
all the time,
filling me with peace
The wounded
becomes
the healer.
She is here;
there is no more
separation
I love you Lizzie
Thank you.
Joy and Strife
These conditions,
juxtaposed
like darkness
and light
Opposite ends
of the same spectrum
I have now
experienced both.
Passing thru fire
into the abyss
of my deepest fear
No comfort exists
in traveling alone
thru such pain
and turmoil
Detach
Process
Release
then repeat.
This has been
my life pattern
for two years now
No comfort
or intimate consolation
Empty bed
Empty heart
Empty soul
Waiting to be filled
with unconditional
love and grace
Yearning for
her soft golden face
I lament the dead
and curse the living
in the same breath
My sister is gone
My spirit, forlorn
But even in
the face of death
life is renewed,
reborn
A shining child,
playful and
quick
Precious gift
in exchange
for freedom
from this mortal coil
And its relentless
anguish,
misery and toil
I feel her hand
on my shoulder
all the time,
filling me with peace
The wounded
becomes
the healer.
She is here;
there is no more
separation
I love you Lizzie
Thank you.
4/18/08
The longest day
Today we officially observed Lizzie's death. Talk about somber - my stomach is still a churning pit of emotions, mostly grief & quiet despair. Standing in a church full of mourning people, only a few familiar, I literally felt everyone's pain. To some degree, a part died in each of us when Lizzie passed.
As the priest followed the motions of a fairly standard Episcopal funeral, I realized how grossly egocentric the whole process was. It extolled the virtues of a westernized male deity, praised to no end for allowing Elizabeth entry into his "kingdom" of heaven.
What a bunch of bullshit.
Who fucking cares about a false god's benevolence in granting imaginary asylum to a soul simply set free f/this mortal coil? I hate religion - its selfish dogma completely eclipses the Truth upon which it was founded. Lizzie's physical form has fallen away, but her spirit endures. Nothing can change that. Fact is, we are all god...precious parts of a unified whole.
This indignance kept me f/singing hymns or speaking congregational responses to the priest's flat, rehearsed lines. The service made no sense whatsoever - nothing more than useless theological drivel.
After said fiasco finally ended, I stumbled over to the parish hall for a meet & greet session w/unfamiliar bad-breath geriatrics en mass. After shaking hands &/or hugging about 175 grieving attendees, my right arm was ready to fall out of the socket. Almost all of them were my parents' friends - I knew maybe 10% of everyone in attendance.
Bloody depressing.
There was one redeeming moment when the priest recited a Hopi prayer I chose as a reading:
Do not stand
at my grave and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints
on snow.
I am the sunlight
on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle
Autumn's rain.
When you awaken
in the morning hush,
I am the swift
uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars
that shine at night.
Do not stand
at my grave and cry:
I am not there,
I did not die.
No other words of wit or wisdom to add here.
I just miss my little sister.
As the priest followed the motions of a fairly standard Episcopal funeral, I realized how grossly egocentric the whole process was. It extolled the virtues of a westernized male deity, praised to no end for allowing Elizabeth entry into his "kingdom" of heaven.
What a bunch of bullshit.
Who fucking cares about a false god's benevolence in granting imaginary asylum to a soul simply set free f/this mortal coil? I hate religion - its selfish dogma completely eclipses the Truth upon which it was founded. Lizzie's physical form has fallen away, but her spirit endures. Nothing can change that. Fact is, we are all god...precious parts of a unified whole.
This indignance kept me f/singing hymns or speaking congregational responses to the priest's flat, rehearsed lines. The service made no sense whatsoever - nothing more than useless theological drivel.
After said fiasco finally ended, I stumbled over to the parish hall for a meet & greet session w/unfamiliar bad-breath geriatrics en mass. After shaking hands &/or hugging about 175 grieving attendees, my right arm was ready to fall out of the socket. Almost all of them were my parents' friends - I knew maybe 10% of everyone in attendance.
Bloody depressing.
There was one redeeming moment when the priest recited a Hopi prayer I chose as a reading:
Do not stand
at my grave and weep.
I am not there,
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints
on snow.
I am the sunlight
on the ripened grain.
I am the gentle
Autumn's rain.
When you awaken
in the morning hush,
I am the swift
uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars
that shine at night.
Do not stand
at my grave and cry:
I am not there,
I did not die.
No other words of wit or wisdom to add here.
I just miss my little sister.
4/13/08
Sanity maintenance
As I mourn Lizzie's death, the ocean has become a willing outlet to help purge such intense emotional pain. Having surfed the previous three days straight, I took a break yesterday b/c my body was exhausted. The grief kept me out there, paddling like a machine just to maintain some semblance of reality.
No words can describe this anguish. Its only equal is the darkness recently negotiated while processing all my childhood demons. Once again, I'm traveling blind w/no map or breadcrumb trail. Luckily, a terrific network of friends has offered unconditional kindness, sympathy & love. I am humbly grateful for their continued support, having also received help f/various energetic guides & allies.
Visited my parents Friday night @ the house for the first time since learning of Lizzie's death. I avoided that the prior two days, simply b/c it's where she died. I was terrified of the residual energy there & doubted my ability to manage it. Turns out I was okay - a big surprise, considering the circumstances.
Lizzie & I had remained distant for a long time before, mainly due to our age gap (11 years) & polar opposite lifestyles. Recently tho, she began rebuilding a rapport w/me thru increased contact via phone, email, etc. I responded in kind, & we continued talking on a semi-regular basis for a few months. It was never the closest relationship, but one still based in love @ the deepest level.
The emotional roller coaster I've ridden over the last several days has left me both exhausted & hollow, but also deeply thankful for such a great support system. I must thank one (former) friend in particular who, despite our differences, re-opened communications during said crisis. I still consider this person a true friend, past events be damned.
I miss my little sister terribly, but know she's now in a better place & free of all the pain. Lizzie took on so many core lessons during this lifetime, it rendered her young body too tired to function under the burden of such heavy karma. She had learned everything necessary & was ready to leave.
Problem is, none of us were ever prepared to let her go so soon.
That is all.
No words can describe this anguish. Its only equal is the darkness recently negotiated while processing all my childhood demons. Once again, I'm traveling blind w/no map or breadcrumb trail. Luckily, a terrific network of friends has offered unconditional kindness, sympathy & love. I am humbly grateful for their continued support, having also received help f/various energetic guides & allies.
Visited my parents Friday night @ the house for the first time since learning of Lizzie's death. I avoided that the prior two days, simply b/c it's where she died. I was terrified of the residual energy there & doubted my ability to manage it. Turns out I was okay - a big surprise, considering the circumstances.
Lizzie & I had remained distant for a long time before, mainly due to our age gap (11 years) & polar opposite lifestyles. Recently tho, she began rebuilding a rapport w/me thru increased contact via phone, email, etc. I responded in kind, & we continued talking on a semi-regular basis for a few months. It was never the closest relationship, but one still based in love @ the deepest level.
The emotional roller coaster I've ridden over the last several days has left me both exhausted & hollow, but also deeply thankful for such a great support system. I must thank one (former) friend in particular who, despite our differences, re-opened communications during said crisis. I still consider this person a true friend, past events be damned.
I miss my little sister terribly, but know she's now in a better place & free of all the pain. Lizzie took on so many core lessons during this lifetime, it rendered her young body too tired to function under the burden of such heavy karma. She had learned everything necessary & was ready to leave.
Problem is, none of us were ever prepared to let her go so soon.
That is all.
4/11/08
Lizzie
Elizabeth was born on November 21, 1981 in Tallahassee, FL. She had blond hair, blue eyes & looked almost exactly like me in our baby pictures. She was a gregarious person who made friends in the blink of an eye. There were no flies on her, either...she was sharp as a tack.
Lizzie had a gift for writing. She could pen some of the best goddamn fiction or prose you've ever read. I remember reading a short story she wrote totally off the cuff - it was amazing. She also loved smoking outside w/her friends & commiserating. Dad used to call them the Order of St. Nicotine.
Lizzie was a heroin addict, which really did a number on her body. We all knew her health was failing, but didn't want to admit it.
When I saw her a week & a half ago, she was taking Kaleb (my nephew & her son) to the playground. Took her half an hour to get ready - Liz was always slow. She kept forgetting things - her scarf, purse, phone, etc. I remember watching her drive away to the park. About an hour later, she returned, Kaleb in tow. I always took it for granted that she'd be around, never once imagining this would be the last time I ever saw her alive.
She's gone.
I have no words of wisdom for proper closure here. Took a shower after surfing late this afternoon & completely lost my shit for about 10 minutes. Crying like a baby, I drowned in my own grief over this precious soul whom I can never spend time w/again.
Now I know the meaning of true loss.
I love you Lizzie - always have & always will.
Goodbye...
Lizzie had a gift for writing. She could pen some of the best goddamn fiction or prose you've ever read. I remember reading a short story she wrote totally off the cuff - it was amazing. She also loved smoking outside w/her friends & commiserating. Dad used to call them the Order of St. Nicotine.
Lizzie was a heroin addict, which really did a number on her body. We all knew her health was failing, but didn't want to admit it.
When I saw her a week & a half ago, she was taking Kaleb (my nephew & her son) to the playground. Took her half an hour to get ready - Liz was always slow. She kept forgetting things - her scarf, purse, phone, etc. I remember watching her drive away to the park. About an hour later, she returned, Kaleb in tow. I always took it for granted that she'd be around, never once imagining this would be the last time I ever saw her alive.
She's gone.
I have no words of wisdom for proper closure here. Took a shower after surfing late this afternoon & completely lost my shit for about 10 minutes. Crying like a baby, I drowned in my own grief over this precious soul whom I can never spend time w/again.
Now I know the meaning of true loss.
I love you Lizzie - always have & always will.
Goodbye...
4/10/08
R.I.P. ECW
My sister Lizzie died last night - we still don't know why...
I don't know what else to say.
I don't know what else to say.
4/7/08
Old ghosts & the midas touch
Well, it seems past life stuff has once again come tumbling out the closet to greet me. Was doing a meditation this AM & (randomly) visited an interesting lifetime. Anyway, will save the details for another time. It referred to my power center, the sacral, & why the third chakra has been locked down for so long. Have had so many issues w/abundance & prosperity, it's really one of the core challenges for me in the present incarnation.
Never could master the art of making money & keeping it around before. Recently, people have mentioned that movie The Secret & the Universal Law of Attraction to me. Did a little reading & realized I've already unconsciously (literally) practiced it manifesting material items my ego desired over the years. Basically, the core aspect is as follows: your focus determines your reality. And, your intention determines the success or failure of said manifestation.
Looking @ the scarcity/lack pattern, I've been operating f/a place of deep guilt, regret & shame. This handily reinforced the punishment aspect & my subconscious stifling of any abundance offered. I felt so undeserving of any prosperity, it would automatically be withdrawn on the spot. Kinda like a self-poverty booby trap you continuously detonate upon finding a pot of gold.
Sucks, but was SOP for a hell of a long time. Not any longer, tho. Turns out I actually do deserve the Universal bounty offered (contrary to the ego's opinion). Won't pretend not to anymore, either. I'm claiming it all now - lock, stock & barrel. So, how do I channel this new perception into reality?
Since the old ghosts have returned, they're obviously an important part of that process. Hopefully I can navigate thru everything w/some semblance of clarity & ignore their emotional charge altogether.
Yeah, right...
Never could master the art of making money & keeping it around before. Recently, people have mentioned that movie The Secret & the Universal Law of Attraction to me. Did a little reading & realized I've already unconsciously (literally) practiced it manifesting material items my ego desired over the years. Basically, the core aspect is as follows: your focus determines your reality. And, your intention determines the success or failure of said manifestation.
Looking @ the scarcity/lack pattern, I've been operating f/a place of deep guilt, regret & shame. This handily reinforced the punishment aspect & my subconscious stifling of any abundance offered. I felt so undeserving of any prosperity, it would automatically be withdrawn on the spot. Kinda like a self-poverty booby trap you continuously detonate upon finding a pot of gold.
Sucks, but was SOP for a hell of a long time. Not any longer, tho. Turns out I actually do deserve the Universal bounty offered (contrary to the ego's opinion). Won't pretend not to anymore, either. I'm claiming it all now - lock, stock & barrel. So, how do I channel this new perception into reality?
Since the old ghosts have returned, they're obviously an important part of that process. Hopefully I can navigate thru everything w/some semblance of clarity & ignore their emotional charge altogether.
Yeah, right...
4/2/08
Cold fire
Third time starting this post - my head is so full of mucous right now, it's preventing me f/formulating simple sentences (spring cold). Anyway, Just paid into one more month here @ the old homestead so I can actually prepare to move.
It occurs to me recently that I've allowed some people to get too close to me too quickly, & vice versa. I recognize this to be more of a detriment than an asset in terms of relationships (friends or otherwise) & their longterm integrity. To summarize, I'd meet someone & then jump in way over my head w/them personally w/out giving proper time for sheer familiarity.
That gradual informality was sacrificed for a need to be immediately involved w/the innermost workings of their lives. The closest friend status satisfied my ego's need for drama & intimacy. There was no mutual respect built up over an enduring friendship or true trust factor - just a desire to be the one person they'd turn to for help. Codependency @ its finest.
Now this is exposed, & I approach these people w/much trepidation (if @ all). I simply learned too much about them too soon. Thus, I assumed an advanced level of forwardness which could easily overstep acceptable boundaries in the relationship dynamic. Basically, I didn't need to be that close, but suddenly was.
As much for the awkwardness which ensued on their part, I felt the same way...like I didn't deserve to know their secrets (or @ least shouldn't have) so prematurely. Nonetheless, I set myself up for an ugly fall almost every time. Such short intense relationships usually never end well, & these were no different. Whether friendships or more, they typically self-destructed @ some point, burning out f/hidden resentment over time.
Some people just shouldn't become fast friends. Pity we can't learn to pace ourselves before it's too late...
That is all.
It occurs to me recently that I've allowed some people to get too close to me too quickly, & vice versa. I recognize this to be more of a detriment than an asset in terms of relationships (friends or otherwise) & their longterm integrity. To summarize, I'd meet someone & then jump in way over my head w/them personally w/out giving proper time for sheer familiarity.
That gradual informality was sacrificed for a need to be immediately involved w/the innermost workings of their lives. The closest friend status satisfied my ego's need for drama & intimacy. There was no mutual respect built up over an enduring friendship or true trust factor - just a desire to be the one person they'd turn to for help. Codependency @ its finest.
Now this is exposed, & I approach these people w/much trepidation (if @ all). I simply learned too much about them too soon. Thus, I assumed an advanced level of forwardness which could easily overstep acceptable boundaries in the relationship dynamic. Basically, I didn't need to be that close, but suddenly was.
As much for the awkwardness which ensued on their part, I felt the same way...like I didn't deserve to know their secrets (or @ least shouldn't have) so prematurely. Nonetheless, I set myself up for an ugly fall almost every time. Such short intense relationships usually never end well, & these were no different. Whether friendships or more, they typically self-destructed @ some point, burning out f/hidden resentment over time.
Some people just shouldn't become fast friends. Pity we can't learn to pace ourselves before it's too late...
That is all.
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