Carved in stone

My body has been storing much stress lately. Started noticing it the other day while hiking - all over. I'm wrapped up tighter than piano wire right now. This is not something which usually happens (@ least not so intensely). Some release was achieved yesterday thru a massage, but more needs to happen - way more. I won't give creedence to any one thing as the primary cause, but instead cite several contributing factors (in random order):

1. Moving

2. Job hunting

3. GIrl #1

4. Lizzie (residual)

5. Kristin

These combined are slowly turning me to stone. I need to facilitate some kind of equalization, but don't know how...

Am working on preserving a calm environment to alleviate everything, & this seems to help. The worse part about being empathic is your capacity to hold vast quantities of your own & other people's emotional shit unwittingly. Half the time, you don't even realize it's there.

Anyway, sitting in a semi-empty apt. here as today is my cleaning day for the old place. Moved almost all my stuff to the Eastham place in the last two days & am now concentrating on scrubbing, sweeping & mopping myself into oblivion. Good stuff.

Oh, forgot to mention - got kicked out of the healing space this week too. My friend's husband took over the office, summarily ordering me to hand over my key & remove all my paraphenalia @ once. That was fun.

So now I have nowhere permanent to practice CT. More good news.

Guess I'm just pretty much @ the saturation point w/most of this crap. Dunno what will happen next. Everything is so goddamn tenuous, it prolly wouldn't faze me in the least.

Place to live, no job, no healing space & little sanity. This is my life situation. As it is, but what the fuck?

That is all.

Cardboard mansion, part III

Finally found a place in Eastham. Cheap, considering the average range ($7-900) for a studio or 1BR. As predicted, this housing search was indeed interesting (& long). Will be transporting things over there bit by bit during the week. True to form, I've put off packing until pretty much the last minute. Did tons of laundry on Saturday & put a bunch of stuff in boxes, as well.

I can't remember the last time when life felt so tenuous. Am currently seeking other work as the current web contract is being put on indefinite hold due to funding issues. While there are more jobs around (summer), the amount of professional work similar to my current position is small. Mostly finding temp/contract stuff in Boston here & there, but nothing concrete yet.

A real element of fear exists about my longterm salience living here.

A lack of job/financial security is something I've always faced, but this time it just seems more real . Nevertheless, I press on - looking vigilantly & hoping for the best. Uncertainty is something I've never handled very well. While not the greatest planner, I could usually maintain @ least some (imaginary) sense of control over my circumstances. These days, feels like there's none.

I have absolutely no clue what will happen, & it scares the shit out of me.

So be it - am defying those limiting beliefs, ego conditioning & all the other BS to do what I want anyway. That involuntary lack of abundance stifled my manifestation for years before. Now there's no other option - I must succeed. It's simply a matter of doing what I want & not worrying about the rest.

Am moving ahead w/CG & establishing some steady freelance work in the web/editorial arena. I can't work for someone else while getting paid jack shit anymore. It's my own business or nothing.

Life Intelligence (finally) mandated this decision.

Time for me to follow thru...

Breaking point

The shit has finally hit the fan. Just got word that funding for our website project will end July 1. As a matter of course, I've started looking on craigslist to replace it w/something else. This couldn't have happened @ a better time - I'm preparing to move, need to cough up $1950 for first/last/security for the new apt., & have barely touched taxes ($1400) or student loans ($35k +).

Time to face one of my greatest fears: living independently w/complete financial insecurity. These limiting beliefs have held me captive for far too long. Never thought I could develop a successful business or make money w/out having to rely on someone else for the bread & butter income.

Pure bullshit, & I know it.

Nothing is stopping me but ego disbelief in my full potential. Fuck the ego. Fuck the imaginary prison it trapped me inside for 32 yrs. Fuck the intense scarcity/lack, loneliness, guilt, anguish & remorse I suffered throughout. That punishment ends now.

I'm just doing - no more thinking. No more complacency. No more settling. No more lies. No more giving away my power to others. No more mediocrity - I'm so fucking over half-assing everything. It's a bloody goddamn joke.

To any naysayers, fuck you & the horse you rode in on too. You can blow me.
I just don't care anymore...I'm done w/this shit.

Done.

That is all.

Las almas se juntaron

No fate exists.

No destiny
to fulfill
or path to follow

Just a love
transcending
time and space

This haunts
my dreams
and waking
thoughts

I cannot escape
such powerful karma

It draws us
together
once more

I never asked
or wanted
to meet her again

Yet here she is

I cannot fathom
the reasons why

Yet here we are

I won't
submit
to the lie

Not anymore.

Let truth
be revealed

Saturation point,
already passed

My silence
is broken.

Wedding Bells

My friend Chris is getting married today. I am, of course, attending the ceremony. This is not the first time (nor likely the last) I'll go stag to a wedding. Marriage is something I usually don't address here b/c it really doesn't enter the mind very often.

In fact, it's not something I plan on participating in @ all.

The "institution" of holy matrimony is such a joke, maybe I shouldn't comment any further. It's almost not even worth getting cynical & wound up over something I basically don't believe in.

Too late now...

I came close to marriage about 13 yrs ago (dating myself once again) w/a selfish homely girl named Kristin. For whatever reason, she talked me into getting engaged. Did I mention stupidity knows no bounds? For the record, that statement stands. Suffice it to say, I eventually saw the error in my ways & bailed the fuck out in time.

I've seen so many people get married for the wrong reasons, it's ridiculous. Kids out of wedlock, codependent desperation, boredom, lust, vanity, the list goes on. In all that time, there were prolly 2-3 couples who truly meant it &/or were actually compatible w/eachother.

The most common mistake I've observed is doing it too soon. People need to take some time & really get to know their partners before committing for life. That's just fucking basic. Live together first - for a long while...like 5 or 10 yrs. Don't dick around w/this 3 - 6 month bullshit. It just isn't nearly enough time.

Weddings of convenience are another common farce these days. Financial or green card advantages aside, you still have to deal w/the other person every day. Madness, but people continually do this, as well.

The sacred aspect of marriage is gone. There's no sanctity left in it. Divorce has become a routine escape clause for couples who mistakenly decided on a whim. Hell, celebrities do it - why shouldn't we?

I know there are some divorcees who were genuinely in love when taking their vows & meant it - 'till death do us part, etc. These people really wanted to make things work, but extenuating circumstances forced them to make a difficult decision & split up. They deserve full credit for trying.

I sincerely wish Chris & Julie the best of luck.

These days, they'll need it.

Blind faith

Ever get the feeling like you're walking blindfolded in traffic? That's how I feel getting up almost every day since scattering Lizzie's ashes. For some reason, that event set me so far back emotionally, I still haven't been able to catch up. It's not like I didn't try pretending life was normal (when it certainly isn't anymore).

I have this sneaking suspicion something is creeping up on me...which I hate b/c it's almost impossible to identify what. Maybe I've finally cracked under the pressure of such massive internal change. Whatever - it was bound to happen eventually. That, notwithstanding the whole girl #1 scenario, Lizzie dying, potential homelessness, work/money uncertainty, blah blah blah. Everything seems designed to either drive me fucking nuts or instill such Presence that it'll never affect me again.

Have no bloody clue of what I'm doing anymore...am just simply doing it. After running an emotional gauntlet for two straight years, none of this shit really matters now. My sister's death really put things back into crystal clear perspective: life's logistical details mean nothing. What truly matters is your family, friends & time spent w/both.

Fuck money, status, stuff, fake romantic love, etc. It's pretty much a bunch of bullshit & means jack-fucking-squat in the grand scheme.

Upon hitting an emotional wall three weeks ago, my grip on reality was lost for a bit.

After returning to sanity, realized I really could use someone to lean on during trying times. Don't know whether that person even exists or not, tho. Kinda doubt it, @ this point.

All these old karmic ties & patterns are continually being addressed, piece by piece.

Once they're cleared, maybe I'll be able to breathe again.

Fear

Fear
holds me back
from existing
in the present

Fear...
deadly ammo
of the ego

Armor-piercing
bullets
of anxiety and doubt

The essence of fear
is a lack of love

Isolation,
alienation,
and discrimination

All by-products
of fear

Their common themes:
loneliness
separation

To defeat fear,
one must
simply love

Fear,
the root
of all negative emotions,
can be stopped.

Open oneself
to love

Give...
with no expectations
of receiving

Embrace uncertainty
as a gift

Never judge
a person or event
as good or bad

Rather,
accept every moment
as it comes

Give thanks...
for everything

and everyone.

Without fear,
the ego has lost.

Without fear,
the soul is free.

Cardboard mansion, part II

Looking for an apt. on Cape Cod right before the season sucks.

Just found out my backup plan for a place fell thru yesterday. So, back to the drawing board. I looked @ a place in Eastham yesterday - tiny little room in a house right on Route 6. Lady wants like $500/mo for the damn thing. Anyway, it's no way to live. I have a few more leads f/before to follow up on. Today's the day.

I am discouraged recently, simply b/c I can't seem to make any headway. This is, of course, an illusion, but a goddamn good one - life, the greatest of ruses. Ever since Lizzie passed, everything came to a grinding halt. All the momentum I had before just disappeared. Guess it's b/c I just couldn't make sense of what happened. Her death was so random & unexpected, it threw up an instant brick wall.

Now I'm struggling to scale this obstacle & make some kind of progress, if possible.

I lost three solid weeks w/that whole event. Have so much still to do, am almost overwhelmed by it all. Marketing the CT practice, finding a place, preparing to move, finishing a website for an outstanding barter, working on MB, catching up on my bills, a wedding on the 17th...it's fucking madness. This month is perhaps my busiest in the last few years.

I need a personal assistant or something.

Nevertheless, I press on - maybe thru pure happenstance or otherwise, I'll actually be able to pull the whole thing off.

Wish me luck.

Impasse

I am essentially alone on this journey. There's really been nobody else available for intimate support. No significant other to hug, cry on their shoulder, confide in or be held by thru darkness of night.

My longtime companions are pain, suffering & remorse.

Sometimes, I wonder why. The sheer volume of elemental change experienced over the last two plus years cannot be accurately quantified. No emotional scale exists to record such intensity. It is beyond measurement.

What I'm beginning to understand is the true meaning of wholeness. During my entire codependent relationship period (Kristin, Jill, et al), I was never actually ready to be in one. None of my aforementioned core baggage was even touched, much less fully addressed.

Everything I've endured has made me stronger - though I feel utterly spent. The irony of fundamental personal change is you emerge more whole, but seem completely fractured afterwards. In truth, I'm more complete now than ever before.

And yet still feel broken.

All my recent work was focused on personal karma, a seemingly perpetual purgative process & release cycle. Karmic contracts w/others are next in the cue. The biggest piece is coming soon, & I'm almost ready for it.

When our day of reckoning arrives, nothing will be the same afterwards - nothing.

Let it come.

Detachment, reprise

Here we go again...saw you-know-who in town today. These circumstances are like a bad dream which just keeps replaying itself. The difference is that I saw it coming this time. And won't take the bait, either. I worked way too long & hard to leave her behind before.

Lizzie's death pushed me right to the jagged edge of vulnerability - there was no avoiding it.

One of two things is necessary here:

A. closure
B. a serious distraction

So, what's it gonna be? Won't run that emotional gauntlet again - not fucking worth the pain I endured last time. Too much has already been lost...too many casualties suffered in this inner war.

Time for the Universe to put up or shut up.

Play it out, or lock it down. No more pretending.

I'm dropping the hammer now.

That is all.

Ashes to ashes

Ankle deep, I reached into the plastic bag full of Lizzie's remains. Hesitated, then fanned them out over the water, hoping the north wind wouldn't blow any back @ me. My parents & Linus stood on shore, quietly sobbing in grief. This was our closest facsimile to closure, considering the medical examiner still hasn't declared a cause of death.

For the last two weeks, I've actually been okay. For some reason, it didn't hurt so much. Someone mentioned to me the grief comes in two waves. The first hit me immediately after finding out. I suffered intensely those three days, channeling the grief out thru pure physical exertion. Then there was a period of numbness followed by partial acceptance.

By the funeral, I knew it was truly for the best that she died.

Following this, I settled back into a semi-normal routine, probably a coping mechanism in itself. Then, the 'rents called last night around 11PM saying today was the day. I knew it was coming, but had conveniently forgotten anyway. Driving over there, I realized what was about to transpire: I would be casting human dust f/my curly haired little sister into the sea.

Jesus H. Christ

Upon arriving, we all piled into my Dad's Saab 9000 for the three minute trip to the site. Conditions were perfect - clear sunny skies, light NW breeze, outgoing tide and an empty beach. After choosing a suitable spot on the hard sandy shoreline, we all recited a prayer Mom composed (very well-written), & I read the Hopi prayer out loud. Since nobody was around, I then waded out & began scattering Lizzie's ashes in the water. This took almost five solid minutes, as the bag was both full & heavy.

Afterwards, everyone stumbled back to the car & then parted ways @ the house like 15 minutes later. Sensing subtle panic, I realized my need to surf. So, went to the office, picked up a board & headed straight to Coast Guard. Almost three hours later, I was @ home in the shower & suddenly started weeping uncontrollably. All my leftover base grief/anger gushed out like blood f/a mortal wound. Like the previous ones, this was a guttural, primeval release of emotions...unchecked and elementally intense.

There's no easy method for mourning. Sometimes, all you can do is grit your teeth & start moving thru the pain. Fortunately, everyone develops their own unique coping mechanism(s). Mine is going into Nature. Whatever works best, utilize it. Fuck anyone who doesn't approve - they have neither the reason or right to judge you.

Am now operating step by step again, focusing intently on the present moment & not much else. It's amazing how much losing a loved one can promote either complete madness or awareness.

Guess I'm finally @ the point of becoming insanely aware.