Haven't posted for a while - too busy w/summer life adjustment madness. Fuck, I need about $5 grand & a case of BCS.
More later...
6/28/08
6/14/08
Post Mortem
Some relationships were never meant to be. People meet, facilitate life lessons, & then part ways just as quickly. Such was the case w/girl #1 & I. Our connection, while so elementally core in its energetic effect, only served a purpose to activate/expand my own consciousness - a primary & singular function.
Feeling so grateful for this precious gift, I inadvertently fell in love w/her (which couldn't be avoided).
Then there was the past life history. Our karma was so heavy, I was almost crushed under that weight. My sister's death gave me the courage to finally cast it away - thanks Lizzie...I miss you.
While we all have codependent patterns & emotional addictions, I choose to not engage them any longer. There was a real danger of this in wishing for a relationship w/her. It would have been based in smoke & mirrors, a wistful dream of romantic bliss w/no solid foundation of trust or mutual respect. Our reciprocal effect was transient & has officially ended. The karma is cleared.
What space she occupied inside my heart is now cold, dark & empty.
Closure achieved.
I am truly done.
Feeling so grateful for this precious gift, I inadvertently fell in love w/her (which couldn't be avoided).
Then there was the past life history. Our karma was so heavy, I was almost crushed under that weight. My sister's death gave me the courage to finally cast it away - thanks Lizzie...I miss you.
While we all have codependent patterns & emotional addictions, I choose to not engage them any longer. There was a real danger of this in wishing for a relationship w/her. It would have been based in smoke & mirrors, a wistful dream of romantic bliss w/no solid foundation of trust or mutual respect. Our reciprocal effect was transient & has officially ended. The karma is cleared.
What space she occupied inside my heart is now cold, dark & empty.
Closure achieved.
I am truly done.
6/9/08
Progress
Dropped said letter in the mail today. Now I can walk away w/a clear conscience. I have no regrets about writing or sending it to her. Compared to everything else, this is a drop in the bucket. I've been thru the fucking wringer for 26 months, culminating w/loss of a sibling, job, home & (almost) all sanity.
There isn't much else which can faze me.
Whatever the outcome, it doesn't matter. I'm done w/that outmoded fearful chapter of life. Everyone who's yelled in my ear about telling her (Anj) knows I wouldn't have done it w/out careful consideration - two years already. Even then, still realized I couldn't move on until it was actively addressed.
I'd never forgive myself if I didn't tell her.
Therefore, it is done. All I can do now is remain Present & not sweat the details.
No more fear.
There isn't much else which can faze me.
Whatever the outcome, it doesn't matter. I'm done w/that outmoded fearful chapter of life. Everyone who's yelled in my ear about telling her (Anj) knows I wouldn't have done it w/out careful consideration - two years already. Even then, still realized I couldn't move on until it was actively addressed.
I'd never forgive myself if I didn't tell her.
Therefore, it is done. All I can do now is remain Present & not sweat the details.
No more fear.
6/8/08
Full disclosure
Written & ready to be sent. I'm not afraid anymore - fuck it. Time to finally put this shit to rest.
I don't care about the aftermath, either...just as long as she knows.
That is all.
I don't care about the aftermath, either...just as long as she knows.
That is all.
6/7/08
Island
The pattern holds - until circumstances mount w/so much pressure that it finally breaks. I've been trapped inside my own emotional prison for so long, it's difficult to remember how to open up again. To allow any kind of space for a seed of love & grace to take root. There is no solace in rational, emotionless protection. My internal security measures are being overridden by the heart.
The part originally taken up by girl #1 has yet to be purged out. This karma needs to be addressed so I can move on. Her past effect was far too extensive to allow any further infiltration into my core.
I have no methodology for achieving this. It's simply a matter of intention & trust, two things which have traditionally eluded me. For the sake of argument, I have begun putting ultimate trust in the Universe for many things, living space, work, sanity, etc. This would be the last life facet released f/my imaginary sense of control.
The process must be a clean break - no more & no less. While it appears simple, the devil lies in the details. So much has been left undone...so many feelings left unsaid, so much unaddressed.
This is the antithesis of closure.
That which I need, I cannot have.
Fucking story of my life.
The part originally taken up by girl #1 has yet to be purged out. This karma needs to be addressed so I can move on. Her past effect was far too extensive to allow any further infiltration into my core.
I have no methodology for achieving this. It's simply a matter of intention & trust, two things which have traditionally eluded me. For the sake of argument, I have begun putting ultimate trust in the Universe for many things, living space, work, sanity, etc. This would be the last life facet released f/my imaginary sense of control.
The process must be a clean break - no more & no less. While it appears simple, the devil lies in the details. So much has been left undone...so many feelings left unsaid, so much unaddressed.
This is the antithesis of closure.
That which I need, I cannot have.
Fucking story of my life.
6/4/08
Safety net
Moving into unchartered territory now. Decided not to take the wrenching job & do my own thing, trusting that the Universe will provide steady income. This is a big step - putting all of my focus into Crystal Guidance, eBay & finding freelance/part time professional work. There's no turning back, either.
I'm fully committed.
Fear spurned me to secure the bike mechanic position in the first place. An irrational fear based in past economic punishment. Years of it. I've elementally changed since then. Self-imposed financial hardship isn't a factor anymore. My manifestation is getting stronger. Things are beginning to happen which I could never imagine before.
I'm finally waking up.
After such core transformation, I can't live according to the old paradigms any longer. My external circumstances have now caught up w/this internal shift. Hence all the major life upheaval, forcing me to either adapt or perish.
Whatever lies on the other side better be fucking good.
It has to be.
I'm fully committed.
Fear spurned me to secure the bike mechanic position in the first place. An irrational fear based in past economic punishment. Years of it. I've elementally changed since then. Self-imposed financial hardship isn't a factor anymore. My manifestation is getting stronger. Things are beginning to happen which I could never imagine before.
I'm finally waking up.
After such core transformation, I can't live according to the old paradigms any longer. My external circumstances have now caught up w/this internal shift. Hence all the major life upheaval, forcing me to either adapt or perish.
Whatever lies on the other side better be fucking good.
It has to be.
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