Gatekeeper

Recently came to my attention that loneliness is an addiction - just like fear, anger, pain & guilt. Turns out I've been a solitude addict for quite some time, now. There is no 12-step program or big book for this vice. My brief relationship stints were riddled w/such intense dysfunction & drama, they rendered me unable to emotionally stomach any more.

As a result, I pretty much dropped out of the dating scene altogether.

This is no surprise, considering the pattern. I hated being alone, but couldn't expose myself to more heartache. My ego still craved drama, so I created an quixotic scenario based on past lives (girl #1) to satiate it. The greatest ruse ever...

Nevertheless, my former feelings towards her are based in Truth. We were meant to meet, & she was supposed to activate my awareness. I simply misinterpreted the scenario as a soulmate connection. Those emotions were real - viscerally so. We also did have an extensive past life history - essentially meaningless, but true.

Fact is, her lessons are different than mine during this lifetime along w/her path. After two years of massive resistance, I've finally accepted that. Lizzie's death allowed me to ultimately put it to rest. For better or worse, she now officially knows how I felt.

The loneliness cycle is already outmoded for me. Next comes the hard part: letting someone (anyone) else in. Once again, the paradox - too afraid to open up but sick of being alone. Makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

So be it.

Burn the ramparts, lower the drawbridge & open the gate.

Who goes there - friend or foe?

Time to finally decide.

Lazarus

She lived within
my heart's dream,
lost in a haze
of ancient memory

Distant echoes
of past love and loss -
long since forgotten
then remembered again

They never mattered.

Jaded,
I fearfully clung
to familiar patterns
for any semblance
of stability

It never existed.

Blindfolded,
I wandered
barren wastelands
of an empty heart
and restless soul

There was no quarter.

What purpose
does such
self-evisceration
truly serve?

None.

Finally escaping
this emotional prison,
I cast off heavy shackles
of limiting beliefs

A cold light lingers
as my old self-image
disintegrates
into bones and dust

The winds of change,
leaving no trace
of its former existence

Now I am resurrected
as a trembling child
in an unfamiliar place.