Mission

Starting this one over again. The original became waaay too analytical. That screams ego - both annoying & unnecessary. Here's the gist: I've always had trouble identifying a life purpose. Been searching since about 1992. For some reason, it always eluded me. Tried every hobby-related &/or ego-conjured career path possible.

Nothing ever panned out.

Then I started getting nudges f/awareness. Nothing huge, mind you...just small hints. A book here, a crystal there. It was a very gradual thing. Now, many years later, I'm finally @ the crossroads of my spiritual path & life decision process. Do I continue searching for a job to fulfill all my unspoken dreams of financial freedom & conscious evolution? Or do I fully commit to the healing path I was chosen for, forging my own niche in the process?

This is one hell of a choice.

The answer is clear: if I was meant to find the job, it would've already materialized. The crystal work is indeed my highest calling & physical life purpose. Time to completely accept & integrate that. Just don't quite know how to proceed yet. Some practical guidance would be really good about now. The trick is making a living @ it.

Okay Universe, taking the first step - ball's in your court.

I'm finally ready.

Distant Early Warning

No job, no furniture, no clue of what I'm doing yet. The transition continues...have I had any semblance of stability in the last five months? Not even close. There's nothing but indecision here. My path remains hidden & elusive. Facing base fears has forced me to dwell in suspended animation between the pages of life's chapters according to the book.

Truth is, I'm afraid to make the wrong choice.

As if I even knew what a good or bad decision was in the first goddamn place.

Have never been so blinded by doubt before. No amount of false ego confidence can overcome this sheer lack of direction. When arriving in Marin next week, I will be seeking clarity. Life must provide some subtle hint on how to proceed. I'm sick of such pervasive ambiguity - it serves no residual useful purpose.

Even after 3.5 months, the apt. still looks like an empty hotel room, reflecting said indecisiveness. Everything is (literally) still stored in boxes &/or stacked up against the wall. I need to finally choose & commit to that decision...whatever it is. Should I stay or go? Will work materialize? Can I make rent w/out liquidating some keepsake asset for cash? Can I manage another winter here alone? Will I travel somewhere during February for sanity's sake?

These questions echo loudly within the caverns of my mind - all unanswered.

A virtual gauntlet of uncertainty.

Escape

After Lizzie passed, I disconnected f/reality for a while (5 months) & then returned. During that interim, I was lucky (& grateful) to teach for the shop all summer - it was exactly what I needed. With surf lessons now winding down, I'm wondering how to spend the upcoming fall/winter.

My traditional routine was to work some shitty job & hunker down here for a long, cold 6-month hermitage.

Not an option this time.

So what do I feel like doing? Traveling, surfing, exploring my path, expanding my horizons beyond Cape Cod. Shit, anything but another winter alone in this dark, bleak-ass ghost town of a place. Don't get me wrong - I love my family/friends here & treasure their proximity/camaraderie.

I just need a break f/the whole scene.

For the first time in years, I'm ready to do something completely spontaneous. I want to go somewhere warm, but not hot. Somewhere I can subsist comfortably. Somewhere offering path-related learning opportunities galore. Somewhere with a sense of renewal thru nature. Somewhere not here.

BTW, last winter's FL trip didn't count. Two weeks of playing nursemaid to my ailing aunt in Melbourne was no vacation.

First step? Choose where. Second step? Take steps towards doing it - small, manageable ones. My initial goal is to be gone the whole month of February. Four straight weeks of someplace else in the dead of winter.

That's not too much to ask.

Suggestions on a destination, anyone?

Let me know...