Illogical progression

The more I dwell in Stillness, the more I realize how insignificant everything else is. The old familiar pattern of worry & anxiety is basically gone. All the useless crap I cared about before means nothing now.

Have had issues w/this Costa Rica trip f/the start, & it's really starting to bug me. First I was scared to go b/c I'd never been anywhere abroad. Then, I didn't know whether the whole plan would fall apart b/c I basically lost all faith in the project & my ability to finish it. Now, I'm hedging on whether to even go b/c of the politics going on between parties w/in the organization. Notwithstanding their lack of any timely effort in getting me content.

I don't need that fucking stress.

Tomorrow I'm posting what I have, & they can figure out what to do afterwards. The whole affair wreaks of disorganization & bullshit.

I'm ready to bail & probably will.

Otherwise, I'd just as soon stay here, focus on the business until Feb. & fly to FL for a few weeks. No BS or drama there...

We'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, I'm really pushing hard on the book promotion front. This is where my interest really lies. I could care less about the web stuff compared to it. Another interesting development is the unearthing of old pics w/girl #1 & I f/Sept. 07. Ed recently found & emailed them to me. Why, you may ask?

I needed to know they wouldn't affect me & had to face the real fear of re-attachment w/her. Having studied them closely for a few days now, there is no residual threat. She's a model liar - just another conniving pretty face like Jill...so be it.

My whole life paradigm is changing rapidly. Cape Cod has lost all its emotional heaviness. The stay is temporary, & I'll be leaving shortly for good. My 22 yr self-repair exile is almost finished. The Cape now has no residual value anymore except for a few good friends & my family.

Otherwise, it represents a seasonal prison of suffering. People live on the island b/c they love to struggle. Goddamn puritanical New England attitude: hunker down & endure whatever comes, no matter what - even to the ruination of all.

Madness.

Nature & Stillness have kept me @ least halfway sane the whole time. Once you get past all the hardship, Cape Cod's true gifts are purgative healing & transformation. Both have occurred for me, & the cycle is nearly over.

Pain is a gift...if it yields growth.