Verdict

so, once again the mind has gone & created an issue of living on Cape Cod. another regurgitation of the same old argument: why am i still here, what's my purpose, when am i finally leaving, blah blah blah.

there's an element of truth in it, but also one of mind-manufactured misery.

i have no illusions about this place or my role in it any longer. simply put, i have no real attachments here & can easily disappear w/out repercussions.

what continues to confound is the next step in my process. while i'm clear on departing, don't specifically know where to go or how to make a smooth financial transition f/place to place. these are (not so) minor details which should probably be addressed before any bona fide action is taken.

or else i could just say fuck it & go.

while the second is a much more appealing option in the instant gratification dept., it doesn't bode well for long term stability in a new location. conversely, if i analyze the situation any longer, EMTs will be cleaning my brains off the walls & ceiling. not the slightest bit of irony in this paragraph, right?

the reason i've kept everyone @ arm's length lately is a stubborn refusal to put down roots here. it's not a viable option since i'm pretty much leaving anyways. why invest more into a place you eventually plan to vacate?

or perhaps something will change my mind enough to make me stay - such vile absurdity.

Universal timing is another factor: when does all this external change begin?

it starts when i make a conscious decision to go, & fully commit to it - something i haven't done yet. time to put up or shut up.

enough talk, extrapolation & hesitation. just bloody decide already.

that is all.