surprise emotional assaults are always fun. yesterday i was working on a video adaptation of The Road, a sample poem f/the book. after finishing up & posting the clip, i watched it on YouTube:
that was the trigger.
then proceeded to suddenly lose it for a good half an hr or so. between Lizzie, all the baggage i processed over time & just plain heartache, i cried like a baby.
i miss my little sister. i also miss having someone (anyone) around to lean on under such duress. this was never a pre-existing condition. why is that? why have i been subjected to years of a continuous emotional onslaught w/no intimate support system to fall back on whatsoever?
why indeed.
the fear i traditionally held towards relationships is basically gone. i'm so vulnerable now, so exposed, that my naked skin has developed a protective full-body callous. furthermore, the whole Universal timing thing for meeting someone sucks - it sucks ass. i'm sick of waiting, tired of putting myself out there & getting no response.
a piece of straw is needed to break this camel's back.
Cape Cod is one of the toughest places on earth to meet someone in the dead of winter. last night i was @ the coffee shop & met a young woman who was reading in the corner seat across f/me. she was probably in her late 20s, attractive & quiet. we talked for a bit, & i grabbed a copy of the book out of my car to lend her for a read.
she finished it in record time & then gave me her seal of approval.
afterwards, we spoke a bit longer & exchanged basic personal background info, etc. when it came time for her to leave, i asked if she came to the coffee shop much. she said not too often, but once in a while.
felt like i should do something, so offered her my business card saying please let me know if she ever wanted to hang out.
it wasn't really a play or anything, just an honest offer to spend quality time & commiserate. i can't run offense on girls like some other people i know - not how i roll. guess i'm just too subtle for my own good. either way, she said thx & left soon after.
i really wanted to ask her on a date, but didn't feel like it was approporiate under the circumstances. besides, that reeked of cheesiness & desperation to me.
whatever...@ least i did something. there are few chances to meet people on the Cod during wintertime. when you see one, it behooves you to take advantage.
maybe she'll call, maybe not. i was simply glad for an opportunity to talk w/her for a little while. it also made me wonder: when will a relationship actually materialize? how long must i linger in a place which seems to breed loneliness & separation before the tide finally changes?
these questions needed to be asked & still remain unaddressed.
i demand answers - now.
that is all.
