surprise emotional assaults are always fun. yesterday i was working on a video adaptation of The Road, a sample poem f/the book. after finishing up & posting the clip, i watched it on YouTube:
that was the trigger.
then proceeded to suddenly lose it for a good half an hr or so. between Lizzie, all the baggage i processed over time & just plain heartache, i cried like a baby.
i miss my little sister. i also miss having someone (anyone) around to lean on under such duress. this was never a pre-existing condition. why is that? why have i been subjected to years of a continuous emotional onslaught w/no intimate support system to fall back on whatsoever?
why indeed.
the fear i traditionally held towards relationships is basically gone. i'm so vulnerable now, so exposed, that my naked skin has developed an impenetrable callous. furthermore, the whole Universal timing thing for meeting someone sucks - such BS. i'm sick of waiting, tired of putting myself out there & getting no response.
a piece of straw is needed to break this camel's back.
Cape Cod is one of the toughest places on earth to meet someone in the dead of winter. last night i was @ the coffee shop & met a young woman who was reading in the corner seat across f/me. she was probably in her late 20s, attractive & quiet. we talked for a bit, & i grabbed a copy of the book out of my car to lend her for a read.
she finished it in record time & then gave me her seal of approval.
afterwards, we spoke a bit longer & exchanged basic personal background info, etc. when it came time for her to leave, i asked if she came to the coffee shop much. she said not too often, but once in a while.
felt like i should do something, so offered her my business card saying please let me know if she ever wanted to hang out.
it wasn't really a play or anything, just an honest offer to spend quality time & commiserate. i can't run offense on girls like some other people i know - not how i roll. guess i'm just too subtle for my own good. either way, she said thx & left soon after.
i really wanted to ask her on a date, but didn't feel like it was appropriate under the circumstances. besides, that reeked of cheesiness & desperation to me.
whatever...@ least i did something. there are few chances to meet people on the Cod during wintertime. when you see one, it behooves you to take advantage.
maybe she'll call, maybe not. i was simply glad for an opportunity to talk w/her for a little while. it also made me wonder: when will a relationship actually materialize? how long must i linger in a place which seems to breed loneliness & separation before the tide finally changes?
these questions needed to be asked & still remain unaddressed.
i demand answers - now.
that is all.
