Neutral zone

Cape Cod is a tough place to live.

i've been shuffling around the sandbox for 23 yrs, gradually self-repairing f/mortal wounds received over multiple lifetimes. those, notwithstanding related karmic reparations which would require an entire akashic volume to fully document, have kept me busy for a while.

that process is nearing completion.

k, so what's next?

the pervasive negativity haunting me since childhood is finally revealing itself & its root cause.

turns out i've been afraid to love anyone because i couldn't trust myself. i doubted my base intentions on a physical & sexual level for so long, it halted any interpersonal growth up until recently.

mentally, i'm sharp as a tack. keen observation always leads to laser-accurate self analysis.

the missing component was a solid emotional grasp to follow thru on anything.

i've always been able to detach f/situations effortlessly - a skill acquired during childhood thru unfortunate circumstances. for better or worse, it saved me countless times in the past. conversely, it's also a dangerous weapon.

my heart & mind are seemingly locked in a war of attrition. ironically, there can be no victor in a siege bereft of emotion.

Life Intelligence has led me here for a purpose: to grant myself true emotional freedom. to learn the lesson, i chose a path of quiet suffering f/involuntary transgressions. the ego punishment: an empty, loveless heart.

my emotions are slowly returning.

they will turn the tide in this battle.

that is all.