Repose

eliminating the distraction of useless ego pastimes has taught me something useful: quiet. this silence eventually stills the mind, leading to Presence. all patterns in repetition thru routine, mostly on a mental level, eventually wear themselves out. kinda like a spinning top that finally slows down once its inertia diminishes.

the mental marathon is almost over.

there's no use in searching for items online which i don't even need. it serves no purpose for me to constantly check email 10x per hr (or Facebook for that matter). in short, all psychological hyper vigilance serves no purpose except supporting the ego structure's very existence.

i don't care about perfection anymore. the physical plane is a temporal crapshoot w/no guarantees or absolutes. there is, however, one area where i refuse to compromise: relationships. i know what i deserve & won't settle for anything less. period.

lasting impressions also slowly crept back in as a priority over time, until Lizzie's death reminded me of what truly matters: the present moment & those we share it with.

my process has been one of gradual elimination & release. in then end, i'm just a child standing in the woods listening to silence...being still.

that is all.

Neutral zone

Cape Cod is a tough place to live.

i've been shuffling around the sandbox for 23 yrs, gradually self-repairing f/mortal wounds received over multiple lifetimes. those, notwithstanding related karmic reparations which would require an entire akashic volume to fully document, have kept me busy for a while.

that process is nearing completion.

k, so what's next?

the pervasive negativity haunting me since childhood is finally revealing itself & its root cause.

turns out i've been afraid to love anyone because i couldn't trust myself. i doubted my base intentions on a physical & sexual level for so long, it halted any interpersonal growth up until recently.

mentally, i'm sharp as a tack. keen observation always leads to laser-accurate self analysis.

the missing component was a solid emotional grasp to follow thru on anything.

i've always been able to detach f/situations effortlessly - a skill acquired during childhood thru unfortunate circumstances. for better or worse, it saved me countless times in the past. conversely, it's also a dangerous weapon.

my heart & mind are seemingly locked in a war of attrition. ironically, there can be no victor in a siege bereft of emotion.

Life Intelligence has led me here for a purpose: to grant myself true emotional freedom. to learn the lesson, i chose a path of quiet suffering f/involuntary transgressions. the ego punishment: an empty, loveless heart.

my emotions are slowly returning.

they will turn the tide in this battle.

that is all.

Grudge match

sworn enemies
squaring off
center stage

logic
versus
emotion

heart vs mind

every wistful belief
i once held true
is a lie

every ironclad fact
i once knew
is false

there is no fate
just chance

the heart rebels -
escaping
this logical prison
of absolutes

haunting me
with visions
of beauty and bliss

passion is rekindled

burning
like a beacon
in the darkness
of my soul's keep

outside,
bloody coup d'etat
rages on

who will win?

restless heart,
weary mind