Pathfinder, part I

pondering an important decision which is fast approaching: whether to leave Cape Cod for good in February or return after my hiatus in FL. this is something i cannot consider lightly, as it has major repercussions on the future.

departing will no doubt improve my overall mental health, as the Cod eventually drives everyone insane. furthermore, i've lost any motivation to socially engage the local clique army reserves - their constant self-adulation & callous douchebaggery just plain suck.

financially, the move makes sense in terms of short-term money savings. no rent, partial board & free use of the aunt's car is a tempting offer for several months. however, uncertainty is king in the long term. FL isn't exactly the land of opportunity these days. plus, there must be steady income somewhere in the quotient or else i'll become nothing more than a mooch.

basically, i can analyze things until i'm blue in the face, or else make contingency plans for either outcome until crunch time. one fact does remain, though: the longer i wait, the harder it will be to leave.

yep, that comfortable complacency beartrap was instantly sprung upon my return f/SF six yrs ago. i walked right into it too...yet another victim of the Cape's quicksand curse. conversely, no matter where i go, the anger which follows will always chain me to this place. so in order to properly leave, i must make peace w/it on an emotional & spiritual level.

problem is, i have no fucking clue how.

perhaps a solution will present itself within the next few weeks.

until then, the fire sale & uncertainty training continues...

that is all.

Puritanical

darkness falls

dense fog
chokes
streetlights

damp pavement
chills bare feet

deserted homes
empty streets

emotional prison

i gave
heart and soul
to live here

and for what?

innocence stolen

love
squandered
by addiction
and insecurity

trust
betrayed
by conceit
and vanity

island of ego
governed
by fear
and desire

disconnected
divorced
deprecated

no farewell,
bon voyage
or well-wishing
at my departure

no afterimage
or fond memory

i arrived
and will depart
unnoticed

while others
remain focused
on their next
means to an end

fuck this place